This is 36.

Have you ever looked up at the people surrounding you on your birthday as they sang the traditional four verse song? I hadn't--until tonight.

Today, I turned 36. There is no milestone about this age or something I'm expecting to happen this year because of my new number. However, while there is nothing written on paper or published online (that I know of) that 36 marks the dawning of a new era, tonight as I found myself surrounded by a handful of the people I love most and am closet to, when I looked up and made eye contact with my Mom halfway through Happy Birthday, something did happen.

In a past episode on the Mel Robbins podcast, she described the moment just before we blow out our birthday candles. Everyone's voices seem to fade and we are lost in this moment between the present and the future, closing our eyes and looking inward to search for a wish for ourselves. The tradition of blowing out our candles is similar to that of celebrating the New Year, she goes on to explain. It is a chance to define a specific moment in time when we will take a new action and set intentions for what we will make happen in the coming days, weeks, and months.

When the song began, I was there, already thinking of what I would wish for myself in the next 365 days. Instead, one verse in I looked up and made eye contact with my Mom. To my surprise she was teary-eyed and getting choked up. The look on her face said more than I think she could've ever tried to say out loud.

So, what happened next?

Nothing. Well, I mean the song ended and I blew out my candles, but I forgot to make a wish! This might've been the first time in as many years as I remember blowing out birthday cake candles that I didn't make a wish. I was stuck on the expression on my Mom's face, and clearly still am as I felt compelled to sit down and write this article after my kid's, and quite frankly my own, bedtime.

I get it now.

Since becoming a parent, I've tried to be much more forgiving when it comes to my own parents. They may be two of the most loving and generous parents you'll find, but even still as adult "children" we may still have high expectations of them as the people who we relied on and looked to for answers for so long. Even more so since having our second child in 2020, I've sought after a sense of mindfulness I didn't have before. It doesn't always work out how I'd like, but thanks in great part to the two humans who raised me, more often than not it does.

I brought up my own experience and mantra since becoming a Mom because of what I saw tonight on my own's mother's face. I get it now. I thought this to myself as I lay snuggled (or squished) between our son and daughter after bedtime stories this evening. They wanted to sleep with me on my birthday since my husband was at work. With each of my arms tugged to the left and right by each child and my hands squeezed by their small fingers, I looked at each of them and it clicked.

When I looked at my Mom what I believe her look meant was a sense of pride and of course, pure love. She saw her oldest child, but still always her baby girl standing there in my own life I've created and she was caught in a moment of joy and awe. I hope she was not only proud of me and who I am still becoming, but of herself.

As women we do not give ourselves even a fraction of the credit we should for what we do every single day. Whether you're a mother or not, I guarantee you're still pretty badass in your own way and that deserves to be celebrated! I give our children the same look she gave me almost daily because of the moments I catch myself celebrating even the smallest of things. My Mom's look was a gift today. It reminded me to live in the present and celebrate what we have before we wish for more.

My Wish.

If you'd be so kind, no you don't have to sing to me, but to listen on for just a minute longer as I make my birthday wish. Yes, the one I forgot to make earlier. As I described earlier, blowing out our candles and making a wish can be a defining moment for ourselves and the year ahead. So as I relight in my head those beautiful rainbow-striped candles by daughter chose for me, I am setting this intention.

This year I wish that I have the courage and strength to do the hard things, without making life harder.

As previously mentioned, I've tried to be mindful and aware in most aspects of my days. Something I've come to see as very true is that accomplishing goals and finding my personal definitions of success and happiness doesn't have to come with a big price. Yes, put in the work. Sometimes sleep waits. However, it doesn't mean I have to sacrifice who I am or what is important to me to get there.

This all said and shared, I plan to write weekly and share stories from what I've learned thus far as a woman doing and being all the things that comes with this title and what is yet to come. I'm going to share things people forget to tell us might happen as we grow up--the real life class. As a certified social media strategist and digital marketing professional, I'm taking the request to FRIEND ME seriously and engage on all levels.

So, if you're still following along, THANK YOU, and I hope to provide you with some future laughs, insights, and useful knowledge as I close my eyes, blow out 36 candles and see what tomorrow has in store.