#35 Can You Be Friends with Your Employees and Still Be Respected as a Leader?

I’m friends with many people who used to report directly to me. I’ve invited them to my kids' birthday parties, some have become my coaching clients, and I know their families just as they know mine. Our relationships have evolved well beyond the office walls.

Recently, at a dinner party at my house, one of my former reportee’s 6-year-old daughter discovered that her dad used to work for me.

In the middle of the meal, she blurted out in shock, “This house belongs to your boss?!”

We all burst into laughter.

But it got us reflecting on the age-old question:

Can you be friends with the people you manage and still maintain respect as a leader?

When I think back to my days managing global teams at Google, I remember trying to strike a balance between being approachable and maintaining authority. I’ve always valued authentic connections and didn’t want to sacrifice that in the name of being “the boss.” Yet, I also knew that there were times when tough decisions had to be made, deadlines had to be enforced, and unpopular feedback had to be given.

And this is where it gets tricky.

The Fine Line Between Friend and Boss

Friendship in the workplace can be both a blessing and a minefield. It can foster trust, open communication, and collaboration, but it can also lead to blurred boundaries, favoritism, and awkward power dynamics.

One of my coachees, a founder of a growing startup, recently confided in me, “I can’t work with my best friend, even though he’s incredibly talented. I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells, not wanting to hurt his feelings or seem too harsh.”

It’s a common dilemma.

Can you lead effectively when you’re worried about how your feedback might affect your friendship?

And can your friend truly be honest with you when you're both sitting at the same table?

Can You Be Fun, Cool, and Still Be Respected?

Traditionally, leadership has often been associated with a serious, stern demeanor. Many people picture an intimidating authority figure, like the fictional Miranda Priestly, whose icy presence instills a mix of fear and respect.

But is this an effective leadership style?

Must we adopt a cold, unapproachable persona to be taken seriously?

The truth is more complex. Being respected doesn't mean sacrificing your authenticity or approachability. It's possible to lead with warmth and still maintain authority. The key lies in finding the right balance - being relatable while also setting appropriate boundaries. By doing so, you can create an environment where you're both liked and respected, fostering a positive and productive workplace culture.

Executive Presence: A Key to Balancing Both Worlds

So, how do you balance being likable with maintaining authority? This is where executive presence comes into play. Executive presence is not about wearing a power suit or speaking in a deep, authoritative voice. It’s conveying confidence, calmness, and clarity in your interactions with people.

You can laugh with your team, share personal stories, and even have a casual chat, but when it comes time to make decisions, communicate expectations, or provide feedback, you do so with confidence and assertiveness. You show that you are not afraid to take charge when needed. My goal has always been the kind of leader people want to follow because they trust your judgment and believe in your capability.

The goal is to become a leader people willingly follow, not out of fear, but because they trust your judgment and believe in your capabilities. The way I think about it is, if someone doesn't respect me because I'm personable or "cool," it may indicate a mismatch between our values or leadership / work culture philosophy anyway. True leadership inspires genuine followership through trust and competence, not intimidation.

The Balance Triangle: A Framework for Navigating Friendships in Leadership

Let’s explore this dynamic through the Balance Triangle. Picture a triangle with three points:

1. Approachability: Being relatable, fun, and genuinely caring about your team’s well-being.
2. Accountability: Setting clear expectations, providing constructive feedback, and holding everyone to the same standards.
3. Boundaries: Knowing when to step back, when to assert authority, and when to be a friend.

To be a successful leader and maintain friendships at work, you need to keep all three points in balance. Lean too heavily on approachability, and you risk becoming a pushover. Focus too much on accountability, and you might come across as unapproachable. Neglect boundaries, and suddenly the lines between personal and professional become so blurred that it starts affecting performance and decision-making.

How Far is Too Far?

Recently, one of my coachees—let's call her Amanda—shared a challenging experience she faced as a leader. Amanda had developed a strong rapport with a team member named Lisa. They often enjoyed casual coffee chats where Lisa would share personal stories about her family. Amanda genuinely liked Lisa and valued their friendly relationship.

However, this dynamic was put to the test when a conflict arose between Lisa and another team member. Amanda found herself in a difficult position, torn between her instinct to be a supportive friend and her responsibility as an impartial leader.

Amanda realized she needed to create some professional distance—not emotionally, but in how she approached the situation. She explained to Lisa that while she cared about her personally, in this context, she had to make decisions that prioritized the team and the organization's best interests.

Through this experience, Amanda learned that while friendships can coexist with leadership, they require clear boundaries and open communication.

She found herself constantly asking: "What is my primary role in this moment? Friend or leader?" Sometimes, she could be both, but often, she had to choose one over the other.

This situation taught Amanda the importance of maintaining a balance between being approachable and upholding her leadership responsibilities. It reinforced that effective leadership often involves making tough choices that may temporarily strain personal relationships for the greater good of the team.

Can You Be Liked and Respected at the Same Time?

The short answer is yes, but it’s not always easy. You don’t have to be a tyrant to be respected, nor do you have to be everyone’s best friend to be liked. Respect often comes from consistency—showing that you are fair, you care, and you will do what is right, even when it’s hard.

Interestingly, this dynamic works both ways. I am also friends with some of my own managers. I remember a time when one of my managers talked to me about her struggles with fertility, a deeply personal topic. That openness didn't make me respect her any less—in fact, it strengthened our bond and my respect for her as a leader. She was showing me her human side, which made her more relatable and trustworthy.

Here are a few guidelines that have helped me maintain that balance:

1. Be Clear About Expectations: Make sure everyone knows what’s expected of them, including your friends. Don’t shy away from tough conversations just because it feels uncomfortable. Respect grows from transparency.
2. Stay Fair and Impartial: This is probably the most important one for me. Treat everyone equally, regardless of your personal feelings. This doesn’t mean being cold or detached; it just means being fair. Your team will respect you more for it.
3. Know When to Step Back: Sometimes, it’s necessary to take a step back from friendships, especially when making decisions that impact the team. You can still be supportive and approachable without compromising your role as a leader.
4. Communicate Openly: If you are friends with someone who reports to you, be honest about the dynamic. Acknowledge the challenges it might present and set boundaries early on.

Final Thoughts: Finding Your Leadership Style

Leadership isn’t one-size-fits-all. You can be the cool, fun leader with shaggy hair who genuinely cares about their team, and still be respected. The key is to be authentic, consistent, and clear about where the lines are drawn.

Friendships at work are possible, but they require a level of self-awareness and boundary-setting that ensures you’re still effective in your role. Ultimately, it’s about knowing who you are as a leader and finding that balance between approachability, accountability, and boundaries.

If you’re navigating this dynamic and want to explore it further, let’s connect.

My Momentum Leadership Mastery Program launching on October 14th dives deep into these real-life challenges and helps you build a leadership style that’s true to you.

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Hi! I'm Merve. ?? I help corporate leaders and business owners build high trust, high performance teams, grow their business impact, and advance their careers.

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