#33: How to Say No Without Saying No
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Use the Oak Tree Model.
Saying that little word to someone is hard, ‘No’. They’ll hate me…I’ll feel terrible…and the world will collapse into an apocalyptic mass of fire & brimstone!
We want to be seen as helpful to others, kind, and saying 'No' will create conflict, and then our imagination spirals (Zombies incoming...!).
In my 20 years of training of negotiation and conflict skills, I have learnt that no-one likes conflict. Some say they do. They don’t. Unless they are just very odd. Conflict is hard on the soul, so wherever possible we avoid conflict.
Which One of the 5 Conflict Behaviours Do You Default to?
The Thomas-Kilmann model shows us that there are 5 behaviours in conflict, and we default to one based on our nature and nurture: collaborating, competing, avoiding, accommodating, and compromising.
One behaviour is not better than the other. The challenge is knowing which one you are and adapting to another behaviour when the situation requires it.
For example, going head to head with your bank (competitive), might make you feel better but you'll always lose. Or, always sidestepping a tricky conversation with your partner (avoiding) usually means that things fester & get worse.
Saying No: The Tree Model
I 'pinched with pride' this tree model and I have been using it for over 20 years. The California University talks about the Say No Tree Model on their website. It has helped me to help thousands of learners when they negotiate and also in time management. The challenge of time management is not to find more of it, but to choose what you do with it and the biggest challenge of all is to say no to those tasks that do not achieve your objectives. Easy to say, hard to do. I get that. The tree will help.
Imagine a big old Oak tree. Majestic and triumphant in its size. This is you with your roots grounded in your values. Obvious values like, thou shalt not kill, etc. Then, on top of those obvious values are being-a-human values that are important to you. For example, you promised your partner you’d get home earlier one night a week, so you need to say no to extra work. The roots are your values. The trunk is simply ‘No’. You don’t have to say the word, just know that you will need to refuse what is being asked of you because it conflicts with your values.
The Branches…
Now we come to the branches of the tree. These represent options and they are many. Next time, instead of saying no to the thing you don’t want to do, offer options.
For example, ‘Here are some ways I could do what you want me to do; I could ask Rob to do my xyz today, or maybe I could do what you want on Monday next week, or stop doing the abc project instead & get on with this now.’
The important part is that you are not saying no to the person, which causes the conflict because it can be a catalyst for them to choose fight or flight. For example, a boss fights and says ‘JFDI’, or a colleague flights and speaks badly of you to others. You are saying yes with options. In other words, we are re-framing our mindset from:
Saying No.
to
Say Yes, Wisely.
By offering options of how what they want can be achieved, whilst staying true to who you are.
Further Understanding
Read the Thomas-Kilmann article: https://www.makingbusinessmatter.co.uk/thomas-kilmann-conflict-model/
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Darren, CEO of MBM