32. The Don’t Care Philosophy (Repost)

Part 1

The first turning point in my life was in 2015 when I decided to stop caring. I’ve thought a lot about what to call the philosophy I adopted since “The Don’t Care Philosophy” doesn’t exactly draw attentive ears, but there’s just no better way to describe the freedom I found besides I simply stopped caring.

It’s completely counterintuitive to what we hear a lot of. The media will tell you ten thousand and one things you need to care more about and make compelling arguments for every one.?It sounds great but it’s wrong. You don’t need to care more, you need to care less. Bear with me.

In 2015 I was coming off the worst hockey season of my career. No, I wasn’t playing in the NHL or anything noteworthy, but it was the most important thing in my life. My mood and my entire sense of well being hinged on my performance playing hockey. I don’t know what it was that inspired me to do this, but prior to the 2015-2016 season, I decided to stop caring. I mean completely let go of any emotional investment into the sport whatsoever. Lo and behold, I started to actually have fun. I didn’t care if we won or lost, I didn’t care if I scored, if I was on the 1st line or 4th line, I just played. If you asked my teammates from the time, they would’ve had no idea. Not caring doesn’t mean not working hard or not executing at your greatest capabilities, it just means you can still smile when things inevitably don’t go your way.

From 2015 to 2017 I earned more meaningful relationships than I had in my entire life until that point, including the relationship with my now wife. I became a person that someone could actually be attracted to. From 2013 to the end of 2015, I was at the same university as my now wife, but I had no idea. She’s told me that she knew who I was much before I knew she existed (we were even in the same department), but I know I wasn’t worth pursuing, nor did I think anyone would want me based on my poor performance on the ice. I cared too much.

Like I said, I can’t put my finger on exactly what inspired me, other than perhaps a little disgust with myself, but I turned it around and gave in to my disease of care. During my senior year, I got called into the coaches office and he let me know I would be a healthy scratch for one of the next week’s games, which had never happened to me before. He pleaded with me that I had actually been playing much better this season than he’d ever seen me, but based on a number of factors it’s what he had to do. I remember just smiling, thinking to myself he thinks I’m gonna be pissed, but I don’t actually care, not anymore. He assured me I’d be right back in the line up next game and sure enough I was, and by the end of the season I was actually centering the top line and playing first unit power play and penalty kill.?

You seem confused (I assume). How does not caring lead to better performance? Because like I said, not caring does not mean not working hard and executing to the best of your ability. I worked harder in the gym that season than I ever did and I set varsity records for certain lifts at my school. My hockey stats and my GPA were both dramatically better after I stopped caring about results. I attracted my wife into my life after I stopped caring and I got offered literally the only job I was interested in at the time right out of university. I’m convinced none of that could have happened if I didn’t flip that switch and let go.

There are very few things we can control in our lives. Really, we can only control ourselves. Everything else just happens, and things are going to happen. But life isn’t about what happens, it’s about what we do, which we can control. Getting wrapped up in what happens only leads to a much higher rate of frustration. Focusing on what we can control (ourselves) and not caring about the outcome leads to freedom and fulfillment. Just ask founder of Quest Nutrition and Impact Theory, Tom Bilyeu. He’s gone on record saying he was only able to attract his wife after he stopped caring about being rejected. He was completely hopeless with women. He couldn’t even get a date until someone advised him to stop caring about the outcome and start focusing on himself. The rest is history.

If you think I’m not a thoughtful, considerate person hoping to leave a positive mark on the world because of my “Don’t Care Philosophy”, you’re missing the point. I do my best to contribute to a better future, forge a few more smiles, provide quality service and take care of as much and as many as I possibly can, but I know the world is going to march on whether I’m successful in those endeavours or not. All we can do is keep moving forward. Some things will knock us down for a while, tragedies happen, but we can’t afford to care about every bump in the road. Sometimes you don’t make the sales target, land the second date or get the house you wanted. Not everyone will like you or respect you. Who cares?

I’ve got a lot of push back on this idea of not caring. Maybe I’m not explaining it well, but I hope it makes you think about what you might be able to unburden yourself with.

Part 2

To summarize Part 1, “The Don’t Care Philosophy is lived by not caring about anything you can’t control, and the only thing you can control is yourself. Therefore, the only thing you should care about is yourself. How’s that for a gripping statement for this intelligent audience?

It’s a hard idea for many to wrap their heads around. The idea that you should only care about yourself is one they won’t make a movie about. However, what if caring only about what you can control included more than just yourself? Furthermore, what if caring primarily for yourself led to the betterment of everyone around you? Let’s talk about that.

Everybody wishes they had more control over the things that happen but nobody wants to take responsibility for their own actions. This is the problem that must be overcome in order to gain control of your life. We live with the consequences of our actions to date every time we get up in the morning. We are only ever where we’re at because of what we’ve already done, but the finger is always pointed outward instead of at ourselves. You’re late for work, your kids are screaming, you lost the sale, got sunburnt and your credit card is at its limit. This is all your fault, it has to be. You ought to care about your kids, your livelihood, your health and your finances, but if you claim you can control none of it, you’re liable to live a dreadful life. We must take ownership.

If you need a book to convince you, check out Jocko Willink’s “Extreme Ownership” and you’ll get the idea. We can’t go about our business thinking ourselves as only a victim of what happens. These days people like to complain about how expensive everything is. The famous teacher Jim Rohn offers a different way to look at it: things aren’t too expensive, you just can’t afford them. Change your way of thinking and change your life by pondering the steps you can take to put yourself in a more favourable position. Think backwards at your last 5 decisions and see if any tweaks could have led to a better outcome. This is called “The 5 Why’s”.?

What happens is your fault. In a mere 5 why’s, nearly every circumstance you find yourself in can be traced back to yourself. You control more than you think, so I would suggest placing a high regard on what you do and how you do it. When you take great care in who you become, you get the privilege of controlling more and more of your life. This way, it’s much harder for anything to knock you down.

At the same time that you’re reaping the rewards of caring for yourself, so will be the people around you. The greatest version of you is the one who will have the greatest influence on others. It’s a concept made popular by Matthew McConaughey in his book “Green Lights” that he likes to call egotistical utilitarianism. Being egotistical is not generally thought of to be a positive trait, but if you don’t take care of yourself, how can you take care of others? What McConaughey suggests is that by first taking care of yourself, you have the greatest opportunity to positively influence the greatest number of people. If all you ever do is care for other people, your ceiling to influence is low. Caring only for others is often admired, and rightfully so, but when it comes at the expense of your own potential, you could just as easily argue that you could serve the world better by first serving yourself.

It might be because I’m a Leafs fan that I adamantly promote “The Don’t Care Philosophy”. I mean I’d have no hope of being happy if I cared about the NHL playoffs during my 30 year history of being a fan, but there’s more to it than that. This is about having a deep look at yourself in the mirror at the end of the day and knowing whether or not you controlled what you could that day. If you did, there’s no reason not to rest easy. If not, take full responsibility and try again tomorrow.

The people around you will thank you for becoming happier, healthier and wealthier.

— Cody