31. Old age and happiness

The last few years of my mother’s life were difficult for those around her. She was physically weak and appeared to make little sense of the world around her. Of course, this is not uncommon, and according to the statistics both rates and absolute numbers of dementia are increasing. I gave the eulogy at her funeral and said that I preferred to keep the memory of my mother as she was when I was growing up, someone who was full of care, support and encouragement and to forget the last years; to me, she weren’t really my mother. What value can we get from old age?

Today, we face some challenges that are different from those of our forefathers. Many of these are of our own making. What seems like progress in one sense creates problems in another. Lifespans have always been limited by many things including diet, exercise, genetics, good fortune and so on but now, thanks to advances in medicine and related activities, we can keep bodies going for much longer. In some cases, such as long-standing coma patients, we may be faced with the terrible question: how long do we want this life to last? Our technological advances have changed the context of age-old questions. And, as ever, the science is easy (at least relatively) and the ethics are difficult.

Because the question of happiness in old age is now dogged by modern controversies, I have chosen an ancient as our guide for this post. Cicero wrote a famous tract, On old age and many of his reflections retain their resonance today.

Cicero advises us to look as positively as we can in our later days, and suggested that we consider: the work we can do; the uses of our remaining bodily powers; how we should address pleasures of the senses; and, our reputation both at the end of our life and in our legacies.

1. Keep working. Whatever that means to you. Work, of course, is more formally organised for most of us these days, and, business owners aside, retirement is often a sudden, enforced stop. You will have less physical strength than when you were younger but you are more likely to have learned lessons about character and judgement. Some of these can still be used directly although, again, in the modern corporate world you are less likely to be called upon to use them in the work context. Your main challenge may be to find a good use for them outside of that world. You will not take as many risks as when you were young but your judgement of what is a sensible risk to take is more likely to be sound; if you start a business, you’re not likely to create the next Amazon but you’re less likely to go bust, too. Cicero was concerned with the decline in respect given to old people but argued that with good character these problems would not arise, not be serious or they would be overcome. I believe that the attitudes of societies to their elderly vary and that we’re now in an era when the old, especially in the West, and despite (or maybe because of) their greater wealth than the young, particularly in property, have relatively low levels of respect from the young. That is a shame because, although you may not be an expert in AI or social media marketing, you will have a lot to offer to young people in your family and beyond. Further, although you have plenty to offer to younger people, you are never too old to learn yourself. If curiosity killed the cat, it was probably a young cat. Now that you are older, curiosity can keep you alive longer. Whatever you do, it must be meaningful to you.
2. Make the most of the strength that remains OK, so you don’t have the strength or the stamina to do some of the the things you used to do. Or perhaps as vigorously. And you might need more recovery time between your efforts. Overdoing it is more troublesome now that you’re old, but doing it is essential. You need to find a way to allocate the resources you have to your best advantage. Cicero felt that age was something to be fought against. He recommended moderation in most things: good habits, exercise and food and drink sufficient to strengthen but not overburden. Not too long ago, many people were ruined by their occupations and old age was a fight against physical decrepitude and illness. For example, pneumoconiosis for miners and silicosis for potters, common and debilitating breathing complaints, have largely been eradicated in the West. But the problems don’t go away, they just change. Today, many older people feel the effects of chronic stress during their working lives well into their retirements. If you have no scars from the days when you were at full-strength, you probably didn’t take enough risks. Having ways to cope as cheerfully as possible with those that persist is invaluable.
3. Be sociable I have my doubts about a lot of the research on happiness but some findings are so consistent that there seems to be something in them. For example, people are generally at their happiest during childhood and after retirement. But the joys of the old diminish as people near the end. Of course, health plays a large part in this decline but isolation is also vitally important. I know several old people who feel sad and isolated because they are the last of their groups. I think Cicero undervalued sensual pleasures. He even said that with them, a good life is impossible. But this was really an introduction to his paean to the joys of friendship, company and conversation. If you are unfortunate enough to be miserly and irascible in your old age you may not see the sharing of such joys with others as credible. That’s a great shame because other people may be the source of the greatest joys of old age. As we grow, we can help others. But as we get older, we need more help ourselves. This reversal can feel demeaning and frustrating but learning to receive as well as give, to follow as well as lead are lessons that are best learned early.
4. Find joy in nature When the busy-ness of life is no longer as pressing, when you have time again to notice the birdsong and the sunset, connecting with nature is easier. Many of the concerns that seemed so important during your working life may seem trivial now. You may be able to release the grip of a fixed and narrow focus and gain happinesses from watching natural processes begin, grow and mature. It may be easier to see benefit in terms of the whole human race and even the whole of life on earth. Cicero saw this in terms of farming or gardening, of imposing order on our worlds and appreciating the abundance of nature. Today, some people see farming as the start of humanity’s fall from grace, the beginning of our exploitation and despoliation of nature. We cannot go back but we can enjoy nature in and for itself and wonder at its abundance.
5. Reflect on the good things but build a legacy Contentments change and achievements are constrained by the diminution of some of your powers but happinesses in the present remain. However, it is natural to look back (there’s more and more to look back on) and to look to the future, however indeterminate it may seem. Cicero was even-handed, if committed to a belief in the hereafter: “When a man is old, there can be no doubt that death is near. Yet if, during his long life, he has failed to grasp that death is of no account he is unfortunate indeed. There are two alternatives: either death completely destroys human souls, in which case it is negligible; or, it removes the soul to some place of eternal life, in which its coming is greatly to be desired. There can be no third possibility. If, then, after death, I shall either lack unhappiness or even be positively happy, I have nothing to fear whatever.” I hope that any regrets you have are small. Reflecting on your past triumphs and disasters is almost inevitable and the further the distance from these critical events, the easier it is to put them into perspective. In any case, most older people looking back regret the things they didn’t do, the risks they didn’t take, rather than the mistakes they made. And for many of these things it is too late. The moment has gone, and perhaps the resources too. Gratitude for the things you have or have had is itself a gift; entitlement a curse. For most people, their legacy is also important. You can look at it in several ways: genetic (if you have children, this takes care of itself); what remains of your works and artefacts (whether in work or leisure); and, in the memories of those that know you. Your works may leave a legacy in themselves e.g. planting a tree; or in the lessons that people may take from them, whether in accordance with your intentions or not e.g. literature; or, both. In the modern world, there is a class of memory that has different qualities: fame. I would not wish to be remembered as Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin or Pol Pot but they will be remembered long after I am forgotten. We all need to take responsibility for our lives and our legacies.
6. Death without a sting. Or, Do not go gentle into that good night? Cicero felt that a life lived well would enable you to go to a higher place. And if that higher place did not exist, don’t worry, it will be a pain-free void after your death. All that remains is legacy. “... when the end comes all that has gone before vanishes. Only one thing remains, the credit you have gained by your good and right actions.” He also emphasised how natural death was, how important it is for renewal: “All things in keeping with nature are good. Nothing is so completely in keeping with nature than that the old should die.” Dylan Thomas’s famous poem asks us to rage against the dying of the light. But his was the view of the younger observer, frustrated that the life of a loved one was about to be extinguished. They both saw old age as a fight but for different ends. Your fight for a good life is more valuable than a life at any cost. Particularly now that medical science can prolong the life of the body so effectively.

In old age, some pains and pleasures disappear; others are dulled. But pleasures and pains remain. Cicero saw old age, in part, as a harvesting of your previous actions:

“Old age must have its foundations well laid in early life… an old age in need of self-justification is unenviable.”

If you complain about old age, the faults are more likely to be in your character than in the age. You should study and practice decent enlightened living and pass on guidance to younger people. Be sociable, be curious, and keep on learning. Don’t be miserable, morose or irascible. Each age has its challenges and its joys. The value you gain in later life have the same general sources as in every other stage: contentment, achievement and fulfilment/flourishing. That they are different at every age and that you must find your way as you age is part of the challenge and the fun.