The 300.00 Bar Tab

A 300.00 bar tab. A fucking 300.00 bar tab she said. She was livid. She and her live in boyfriend have been having relationship issues for the past 9 months. Little communication and little intimacy led her to my door. She wanted to know what could she do? And at that point, I had to break down what her options were. But here is the thing that I cannot stress enough. When you are looking to improve your relationship, unless both parties are involved, all I can really do is help you work on yourself. In some cases that can be beneficial. But when only one person uses healthy relationship skills, they will eventually outwork their significant other. And that's when resentment sets in. 

The 300.00 bar tab that fianlly led her to my door, was the last straw. For the past 9 months they discussed things they could do to help get thier relationship back on track. Brilliant first step. They were talking, so they weren't too far gone. They discussed things like date night, stop sharing thier problems with friends and no name calling when they fought. All good stuff. Things that I would have probably told them to do. They even went as far as discussing having a baby together. {Thank God they didn't. Get you relationship house in order before considering a lifelong commitment.} The one thing that they left off the table was talking to a professional. And now she standing alone with me in my office.

She mentioned that they should consider working with a counselor. He said no, becuase of the stigma. She then said how about a coach? No one would know it's about thier relationship. In fact, with so many people using coaches now a days, she thought that no one would ever bring it up. But he declined. He said what they really needed was a trip away to the islands to reset. She agreed. {I don't blame her. I mean, who is going to turn down a trip to the beach, right?} But they came back and within a week, they were worse off than before they left. Why? Because they didn't learn any new skills, and now were 1800.00 deeper in the hole. 

A fucking 300.00 bar tab would have helped us, Vance. She said that over and over again. You see I met her right before they left for their trip, and told them I could offer up services for a month for less than 300.00. She was ready to work. He was ready for the beach. She went thinking that this could possibly help, but turns out that it didn't. So when they returned, and then thier problems returned, she mentioned seeing a professional again. He stated that since they did not fight on thier trip, that they needed to go out more......thinking being in a more relaxed environment would help. So, after a night of dinner, dancing and drinks, the same problems were there in the morning. Another 300.00 put on a credit card, and another conversation about what do they do next?

"It should be about saving your relationship."

Here's the rub. He doesn't want help. Yes, he was willing to have a open conversation about the future of their relationships. But, with self help measures breeding no results, they moved into the next phase of thier relationship. Distraction. Now with distraction failing them, the last step before a break-up is professional help. It's been 4 months since she first mentioned it. She has been coming to see me. He still refused. Now his rebuttal is the cost. The truth is he spent 1800.00 on a 5 day trip with no tangible result. He spent 300.00 on a night out with zero improvement. And now it is about saving money? All I could say to her was, it should be about saving your relationship. 

What is the value and what is the commitment of her relationship? The truth is only they can answer that. But in her words, a 300.00 bar tab would have gotten them a month of professional help, but he declined and opted for a night out. {A night out in which she described as forced conversation with little eye contact.} Priorities, or lack of and a 300.00 bar tab were too much for this relationship to withstand.