3000 FUNERALS, FEAR REGRET AND FORGIVENESS.

Latest figures show that 201,508 deaths have occurred during the pandemic that has COVID 19 on the death certificate. I talk so much about Mental health in the workplace and as a society we are more aware than ever about Mental Health but Grief in the workplace is something that is rarely discussed and can have huge impacts on employees and leadership teams.

One of my Keynote talks is called 3000 Funerals, Fear regret and Forgiveness and although it is a tough subject, It helps those who hear it to be more comfortable around Grief as well as inspire them to live their best life.

Below is a snapshot of the start of my talk. Every single person in the UK has been impacted by COVID and will know someone who has lost a loved one or friend to an illness throughout the last 2 years. Any questions please do not hesitate to get in touch.

'I Want to start by sharing with you all a piece from an incredible book I recently read

called I hope I screw this up.

‘When we live in that fearful part of ourselves, all sorts of stuff that isn’t really that big of a deal completely starts to feel like its life and death. Those are the things we’ve created, stories around in our mind that have linked us back to that fight or flight response in our instinctual nervous system. Our minds are constantly putting us in survival mode all day so they can protect us from what they think is death.

Our mind’s think that starting something new is death. They think being judged by other people is death. They think losing a friend is death. If you are wrong about something – that’s death. If you’re not number 1 – that’s death. If your made fun of or do not make enough money you’ll die. So, we are constantly doing things unconsciously to avoid dying. We judge people before they can judge us.

We hold on to relationships and friendships that do not fill us anymore. We hoard as much money as possible. We avoid following our passions and stay small.

We fear death. It is still a taboo subject and the very thought of talking about death can soul destroying and puts people into a cold sweat.

The words spoken just now taken from the book use death as an example of how we avoid living the life we deserve because of the conditioning that has been drilled into us from a young age.

You see, in order to live a full life, we need to accept that death is part of it. It is inevitable that at some point we will no longer have a physical presence on this planet.

I am looking forward to sharing with all of you my unique story which have shaped my thoughts around grief and loss – I will share with you some tips and strategies to cope with a death of a loved one (There is no one size fits all by the way – Grief is a very personal emotional and is unique as the person going though it but I am confident by the end of this talk you will understand grief and loss a bit more so you can support your work colleagues, friends and family members should they need it. I also hope to change people’s perception around death so they are comfortable talking about it, that you don’t seek to change conversation or get nervous about approaching someone who is grieving.

I have been close to death on several occasions and more recently I have been diagnosed with a rare form of Motor Neuron disease, Severe Spinal canal stenosis ultimately leading to paralysis if not operated on, Paralysed diaphragm and 30% vital lung capacity. My consultants have confirmed on more than 1 occasion that should I undergo surgery under General anaesthetic then in the words of my Spinal Consultant “If I was to go down the surgical route, then I may as well book into Dignitas, as At least you will have a nice holiday to Switzerland beforehand”

Basically saying – There is a 100% certainly of death on the operating table. I have also received several death threats in my earlier years and stared death straight between the eyes more times than I care to remember. I have had those near death experiences and considering myself blessed that I have done so as it allows me a unique perspective on what is truly important – these experiences in themselves give me credibility to talk about grief and loss but I wish to take you back to when I was just 5 years old.

I grew up in a very rough council estate in Salford called Ordsall. It was slap bang in the middle of what is now Salford Quays (Formerly the Docks) and Manchester City centre. I went to a Catholic primary school and one day I was called out of the classroom by the local priest and taken across to the church. It was then I was told I would become an Altar boy and in fact I was too serve my first funeral that very week. Now this was not normal but it very quickly became my world.

Most days I would taken from the classroom to head across to the church, get changed into the Cossack and perform my duties. Altar boys in the Roman Catholic church were first regarded as belonging to the clergy but this later changed to being a member of the congregation and represented the congregation at the Altar. Altar boys had some very important responsibilities which required them to be responsible and disciplined and knowledgeable of the full order of the service. So as young boy growing up in a very scary and tough council estate, I embraced my role as it gave me a purpose and kept me away from some of the negative things that were happening around me.

Going back to my 1st funeral – I remember it vividly. I was only small and the coffin that was on a stand towered over me. In front of me were over 100 mourners – I will never forget the sound of the cries – Looking back it was quite harrowing – quite overwhelming for someone so young but I will always remember the level of respect the funeral directors would command. They were the real heroes for me.

I remember speaking to Mr Simpson – A funeral director from Salford after about a year of serving and he told me that he loved his job and saw it as a privilege and an honour to be so involved in the final moments of a persons life on this earth. To give them dignity and ensure they have a good send off but also to be in a position to help and support those left behind was truly humbling.

This stuck with me and from that moment on I puffed my chest out truly humbled that I have been chosen to share the final moments with family members and be a source of compassion and strength for them at what was a painful time.

At 8 years old I had served around 400 funerals and was quite used to death and grieving. I took my role seriously and I just admit that it was also quite nice after each service the head of the family would come to me as they were walking through the door and press some coins in to my hand. I feasted on many Ice cream cones and witches hats from Burgon’s Ice cream van on the back of this.

I was becoming more confident constantly surrounded by these adults and would often ask them if they are OK? I don’t know whether it was the fact I looked like the Milky bar kid and was quite cute, or it was the sincerity in my voice but I would find adults opening up to me. They had obviously built up a lot of emotion since the persons passing and I gave them a platform to just let it all out. It was strange – I never felt overwhelmed when this happened – I felt I was doing something genuinely special and knew I was helping them.

Over the years I have spoken to 1000’s of mourners and grieving adults. I was also learning some very important life skills such as Listening without judgement, Confidence around adults and different types of people, Discipline and personal responsibility.

When adults would sit next too me and pour their heart out as a young person I could not offer advice but what I could do was listen. This is a great skill to have –Active listening has helped me support so many people over the years who have been at their lowest ebb. It is also important to remember that when supporting someone going though the grieving process NOT too offer words of advice and definitely avoid these old clichés::

? You're never given more than you can handle

? This too will pass

? You'll get over it

? It's for the best

? It's God's will

? You need to stay busy

? Time heals all things

? You must be strong for others

Trust me when I say this – Although you may feel this is coming

from a good place and you are a genuine caring person – these

words will not be taken in the spirit they were offered.

The one common thing that was talked about during these moments were of REGRET! I would regularly hear words such as: “I WISH I” or “I wish they”

I wish I would have spoken to them more before they passed

I wish I wouldn’t have had that argument

I wish I would have said ‘I LOVE YOU’ More

I wish they would have done what they wanted to do when they were alive

You get the gist…. Regret can really turn the grieving process into something very heavy and can extend the process a lot longer.

I do so much work with Individuals and companies to ensure people do not have regret in their life – There is a famous quote which reads:

FALSE! When things change – then I will be happy

TRUE! When I am Happy then things will change.

Be content now! Be grateful for what you have in your life NOW. We have got so much to be thankful for but we get lost After quite a few of these conversations I approached the priest and asked him the question “How do I live a life free of regret?” this wasn’t a normal question for one so young to ask but it was my world and felt like a legitimate question to ask.

I remember this impacting on my quality of sleep as I would sit up and go back through the many conversations and I could feel a resolve build up inside of me adamant I didn’t want to end up like the mourners I had spoke to but I didn’t know how and this bugged me.

The priest sat me down and he said ‘Dave, to live a life of no regret, you need to make peace with your decisions, both good and Bad’ and that was it – no lecture – no going round the houses – just direct and clear cut advice.

I walked out of that church feeling protected – I felt different and knew I had just been given some advice that too me was life changing. I stand here now without hesitation telling you all I have absolutely no regrets.

You see, most people make decisions with a sound mind – they could always make that phone call or make peace with someone they fell out with but chose not to. We simply cannot regret something that was done with a sound mind as it was the right decision at the time based on the information, we had in front of us.

Also, we cannot change the past –All we have is the present moment – by making peace with the decisions and choices we made allows us to move on. We can take the positives and the learning curves from those experiences and use them to create peace and contentment in our lives. If we play by these rules now, we can eradicate regret from the grieving process.

Supporting a grieving colleague can feel daunting. As mentioned previously there is an awkwardness around death and people don’t know what to say to someone who is grieving so they either say nothing or say some of the clichés I touched upon earlier but it doesn’t have to be awkward or daunting.

Over the next 45 minutes I will talk you through what you can do as Managers and colleagues to support your employee at a time when they will most likely need that extra support.'

I would love to share the rest of this keynote with your company - I promise you that you will come away with a new found appreciation of life, a system in place to banish those regrets and lots of strategies to help those colleagues who may need extra support.