30 Things I Learned in 30 Years

I turned thirty this year, and I’m having a lot of feelings.

Not the blind rage feelings you have when you realize it's Sunday, and you already had your heart set on a Chick-fil-A breakfast.

More wistful kinds of feelings.

The ones you might have as you stare out the window on a rainy day, sighing, thinking about how cool you look.

Taylor Swift wrote an article just like this when she turned thirty. So I’m paying homage to my favorite songwriter as well as doing this for myself.?

I don’t know how many more years I’ll have, so I may as well reflect on the ones already logged.

From a wife, mother, Christian, and bona fide average person, here's what I've learned about life in the last thirty years.

The Self-Stuff

1

I like the way I look, but it took a long time. I didn’t outright hate my appearance, but everything had conditions. I thought my eyes were nice, but my nose was bad. My smile is good, but my skin is terrible. The list went on. Someone told me that I was “Holocaust skinny,” and yet… all I could think about was losing three more pounds.

Sometime in my twenties, the insecurity was dead and gone for good. I stopped examining myself in the mirror so much and refocused my energy on living life. I learned that it is enough to simply be alive with an able body, getting to experience life's adventures.

The more I explored, the better I felt. I’ve learned that the painful insecurity of youth dies if you stop feeding it. I’m happy to be who I am in the package I came in. No conditions.

P.S. Salicylic acid + Benzoyl peroxide + thoroughly removing your makeup will cure most mild and moderate forms of acne. Wish I knew this one in high school.

2

Be terrible at something. I confess I’m competitive. I always have a sneaking urge to be the best at things, whether trivial or grand. Over time, I’ve learned to settle down. We relate to people more when they’ve made mistakes and failed. Once people relate to you, doors start opening. Opportunities don’t necessarily come from perfection and being the best, they come when people trust and like you.

I indeed fit into a standard shaped box.

3

I’m not that special. I used to dream my life was a Sundance film, and I was an indie darling on the rise. Quite literally, I thought this was the case when I set out to be an actress at 19. It was only in my own delusion that I was original and cutting edge. You could NOT put me into a box.

I now realize my life is a Target commercial. Predictable, traditional, and sunny for the most part. I indeed fit into a standard shaped box. And is that so bad? When I learned to stop trying so hard, everything got easier. I did what I really wanted, vanilla or not, and stopped caring how others would type-cast me.

4

Vet the advice you receive. A younger me believed that advice from people with authority will always be good advice. The me I am now realizes that bad advice is everywhere and in abundance. Even from people you admire or people in leadership. Be open to hear it, but cautious to act.

Photo caption: My 30th birthday dinner with friends in Miami, Fl.

5

Fears are not forever. We used to have an understanding in my marriage that when there’s a customer service related issue, my husband has to be the one to dial the 1-800 number and resolve the problem. I was terrified of calling strangers. Just hearing someone’s tone of voice would cause my hyper-sensitive self to well up wondering how I’ve made them so mad when all I said was hello.

Now years later, I cold call strangers for a living and enjoy it. You evolve. You grow thicker skin. You learn new skills. You won’t be petrified of the same thing forever.

6

You’re pretty without makeup. If he thinks you’re ugly when you don’t wear makeup, he’s not the man for you.

7

Love the fact that you have work. Not love your work, but love that you get to work. If you’ve ever been fired or unemployed before, you know how quickly you lose interest in your free time. A few days off is great, but weeks? Months? I’ve learned that work and discipline is a vital part of the human condition.

8

Reflect on your shortcomings. I have problems. We all do. That’s why a personality test can help you analyze those sour moments you replay in your head before you try to fall asleep. It has helped me heal old wounds. If it doesn’t work for you, disregard. If it does, it’s a lot cheaper than a therapist.

9

Embrace your inner dork. I believe there is an inner dork in all of us whether you choose to admit it or not. We relate to your inner nerd. Let it shine once in a while.

Photo caption: Speaking of dork, it's important to lead by example.

The Hard Stuff

10

Stop chasing the next job title, because the chase never ends. You can get exactly what you want and still feel unsettled. I don’t discount ambition. Ambition is good. But I know that if I’m going to chase something, I won’t put stock into the idea that it will solve my feelings of unrest.

11

Remove pressure socially. I’ve learned to stop putting expectations on family and friends about getting together. Instead of “When are we doing this again?” I’ll say “I loved seeing you, and I had a great time!” And I mean it. I want them to know I care about them without burdening them by asking for more. Or being forceful. The people you love won’t always be around, and when they’re gone for good, it kills you to think how you could've been kinder. Speaking from experience.

12

Give them space. While I’m the star of my own life story, I’m the antagonist in someone else’s. Common advice would urge us to apologize to the person we hurt. I'd argue the other person wants space. An apology might be appropriate, but a proactive outreach from you-to-them might intensify what’s already an open wound. Back down, be less present, and in time, distance can heal things. I've found an apology lands better later on.

13

Your success will make people crazy. First time success is ushered in with an intimate and enthusiastic group of supporters. But if you keep finding new ways to better yourself, some of your supporters change their tone. They start shaming you and making up excuses for why you’re doing well. Sometimes it comes from what you thought was your inner circle. I've learned if they genuinely care about you, they won’t demean you for sport. You don't have to keep the friendship just because "you've known them forever."

14

You’ll make new friends. If you’ve ever lost a friend, you know how much it hurts. It’s just like a breakup. Thankfully, I’ve learned that the hurt lessens in time. You will meet new people who understand where you’re coming from. You just have to keep looking.

And even better, sometimes things come full circle and you get a second chance to reconnect with a lost friend. It’s happened to me, and it’s been one of life’s gifts.

15

Have children, if you can. It’s hard to describe the beauty of raising up a tiny human until it happens to you. So innocent, curious, outrageously goofy, and dependent on the love and protection of Mom and Dad.

It’s comforting to know that as people you love pass on, new life is just arriving. Family can grow and blossom into a bigger family tree even when a branch snaps off.

Photo caption: My first-born after a bath.

16

Look forward to something. I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about the past. Reliving memories, analyzing how it could’ve been different, and letting nostalgia wash over me.

I’ve learned that making new memories is just as important, maybe more so than reliving old ones. Physically putting things on a calendar and having dates to look forward to have changed this mental block for me. Always have something around the corner that you're excited about. It keeps you looking forward.

17

Trust but verify. The people I have loved and adored don't necessarily love and adore me. Take it slow. Send out some feelers. Instead of jumping, maybe dip a toe.

18

Don't forget reality. I tend to live in the abstract. I drift off without my own consent at the most inconvenient times. It’s not like I’m thinking up anything important. I just get kind of, well, dreamy.

I’ve learned to re-ground myself when my thoughts get a little too scary. One method is to pay attention to my senses. If the sun is shining, and it feels nice on my skin, I think about that. And it takes me away from the thoughts in my head.

19

You can be politically active without being politically belligerent. I personally don’t support the political activism that entrenches our everyday lives without interruption and without invitation. As it grows in intensity, I’ve learned you don’t have to take the bait. Hold to your values, vote when it’s time, and live your life knowing there’s so much out there to enjoy.

The Practical Stuff

20

Appreciate deadlines. When time is scarce, you move with great intensity and purpose. Too much time, and I find myself wasting away the hours scrolling the internet or watching movies. I’ve learned that a deadline is an aid, not a threat.

21

Eat first, argue later. It’s amazing how many squabbles have gone to die after I’ve eaten. When things escalate out of nowhere, I’ve learned to check in on the basics - do I need a nap, meal, or shower? Have I stretched my legs recently? A quick reset has killed off a number of pointless arguments when I realized I wasn’t mad about an issue, just generally a little cranky.

Photo caption: A pre-k girl with an adult woman's appetite.

22

Throw away your old diaries. Diaries are where you go to vent about people you hate. Or maybe love. Either way, you were probably hurt or confused when you chose to write down your thoughts. And you said things you didn’t mean. If the past isn’t making you smile, and you’ve already learned your lessons from it, why torture yourself? If I’ve revisited an old diary on a rainy day, and it made my heart ache, I’ve given myself permission to throw it away.

23

Chip away at things slowly. If it feels like your project is too giant to ever finish, or too big to get started in the first place, there’s nothing wrong with doing a little bit over a long period of time. Like this blog, that maybe took me the better part of six months...have I mentioned that I’m a mother yet? You might not accomplish things in huge sprints like you used to before you became a parent, but that doesn't mean you can’t accomplish things gradually.

24

Return it. Did anyone else fear judgement from the cashier if you returned something you no longer wanted? If the shirt didn’t fit, or the product was defective, I always thought the cashier was going to think I was stupid for buying it in the first place. Losing the $16 was better than having to look a store clerk in the eye and declare to them “I changed my mind.”

Then I got a job in retail and realized people make returns ALL THE TIME. And never with any remorse. If you’re not in love with it and you didn’t use it/wear it, go get your money back already. The cashiers DO NOT CARE. Unless you left concealer marks on a white t-shirt. We 100% care in that case.

Photo caption: Proving I really did work in retail. During the pandemic. At the mall, whilst pregnant. You could say... I'll never forget it.

25

Downsize. I’ve learned that I can grow resentful of the things I own. So now before I get to that feeling, I get rid of stuff. Items like notebooks, furniture, papers, clothes, and cheap jewelry have to prove their value in order to stay. If it’s been sitting on a shelf for longer than a year, it’s gone. Over time, it’s taught me to not impulsively buy things I don’t need in the first place. It’s so refreshing to look around your home knowing everything is something you treasure.

26

Make your own social media rules. I think social media is an incredibly helpful resource that can connect you to community and old friends. Social media can also make you feel like a lonely, unaccomplished, infertile, frumpy, unkempt, experience-less loser. So there’s a balance. I was without social media for almost all of my twenties, and on the contrary, I was a content creator for a year and gained a few thousand followers. You could say I’ve?experienced opposing sides of the debate.

I've learned it's highly customizable. You can get fewer notifications in general or delete the app while on vacation. I personally don't check social media on the weekends because I'm susceptible to thinking I don't do fun things in comparison to everyone else. It works for me. We aren’t slaves to every little chirp. Your profile, your rules.

27

Don’t complain about the traffic. It doesn’t make anyone smile, laugh, or otherwise improve the atmosphere of the car ride. It doesn’t change the minds of other drivers. Give the time you would’ve spent complaining back to yourself.

They were black and hot pink, which was all the rage for cutting edge pre-teens who turned up the radio to Avril Lavigne.

28

Conventional is okay. As a former non-conformist, I’ve come a long way in upholding traditions. To hearken back to my individualist habits, I have a 6th grade memory of wearing rain boots indoors, even on sunny days. They were black and hot pink, which was all the rage for cutting edge pre-teens who turned up the radio to Avril Lavigne. I thought these boots told everybody everything they needed to know about me.

Flash forward to now, I’ve grown to appreciate a sense of community around blending in a little more. Things like dress code for formal events, giving gifts off the registry, and decorating the house for Christmas. Just little things that can make a positive contribution to your social circle. My friends and family have appreciated the gesture.

29

Take notes. I’ve realized relying on my memory is a terrible system. I got tired of feeling like time was robbing me of important memories, facts, and information. I take diligent notes now on just about everything. As I get older, I’ve only regretted not recording enough, never recording too much. Note-taking has been really handy when a relative starts telling stories about growing up for instance. If they’re expected to pass soon, you’ll appreciate that you put their stories to paper.

Photo caption: A summer night on the trampoline in northern Wisconsin.

30

You’re the perfect age. I spent my teenage years wishing I was older and more sophisticated. I dreamed I would be someone who travelled to places like Italy and France, while carrying a designer purse and breaking the hearts of suitors from coast to coast.

Now I'm thirty, and wish I didn’t have crow's feet when I smiled. You hope that you're still fertile and wonder why you didn't care before. You miss when you could fully recover from a sprained ankle by just “walking it off.” Or how you had enough energy to drive through the night to get to spring break faster.

But the age you are right now comes with special benefits. Youth provides you a feeling of invincibility, beauty, and an openness to try new things and meet new people. Getting older means you have experience and skills, you waste less time, make more money, and carry yourself with confidence.

Every age is its own kind of thrill ride. Since you can’t change your age, you may as well sit back and be grateful for where you are.

"I'm just happy to be here" is my new outlook on life.