30 Lessons in 30 Days - Unfriend our "Friends"

"You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with."

― Jim Rohn

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In his bestseller "7 Habits of Highly Effective People", Steven Covey shared a story about a group of friends who were committed to connect 2 villages, who were separated by a dense jungle in between them. They poured their heart and soul into clearing a path between the 2 villages, and it was only a few days later that they realised it might be a wise move do a check on their progress before continuing.

So, one member of their team climbed up the tallest tree to survey their surroundings. "Bad new guys," he shouted down at his friends, "We are moving in the wrong direction!"

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The world we live in

Just like how a project can lose its direction, we can also lose direction in our lives, and spend our efforts pursuing relationships which are not worth our time. While we cannot ignore the contributions of social media in keeping us connected with our loved ones, it brings about a few flaws of its own:

Aiming for perfection

Remember, Facebook and Instagram has content that people want us to see. We open up the app and see all the nice photos of the food that our friends cook. What we did not see are the failed attempts. When everyone are posting only the nice things that they want others to see, it creates a false impression that we are living in a perfect world, and unnecessary pressure for us to live up to that standard, don't you think? Lighten up. It is alright to burn your chicken on your first attempt to cook in 20 years.

Inviting comparison with others

We compare cars, houses, jobs, shoes, money, relationships, and social popularity etc. All it does at the end of the day is to pummel our self-esteem to the ground and create a lot of negative energy.

Fearing judgement

Admit it, we all have this fear sometimes. I used to care a great deal about what I was about to say or do, and that caused a lot of inertia. But over the years, I have realised that people actually don't care that much. They have their hands full with worrying about their own lives! Yes this means that we are not as important as we think we are, and perhaps that is the right thing to do. I see news of "influencers" going to restaurants to demand a free meal, and I wonder how did humans reach this stage of self-entitlement?

Take control of our relationships

If you are experiencing some of the symptoms listed above, you are not alone. I realised it just takes a few easy steps to regain control of your life!

Eliminate negative people from your life.

Although I do not fully agree with Jim Roth, I think there is some truth in his statement. We are definitely influenced by the people around us, although I think 5 is a pretty small number for an "inner circle" in our current day and age.

Contrary to popular belief, we do not need social approval from the whole world for what we do. As long as we are living in alignment with our values, haters gonna hate. Negative people who go around the world looking for injustice and needles are going to find it everywhere they go. On the other hand, those who practice gratitude will find reasons to rejoice no matter what circumstances they find themselves in.

If we accept that things and situations will have their upsides and downsides, then it will be easier to focus on construction actions to enhance our current situation. Don't like the daily dose of updates that your social media platform is feeding you? Take a minute to "unfriend" those that affects you negatively. You'll find the (social media) world becoming a better place.

Compare ourselves to ourselves.

Are we a better person today as compared to yesterday? Did we gain some new knowledge from reading a book? Did we attend an online course that was useful? If so, give ourselves a pat on the shoulder!

Who are those people in our network whom we can learn from? The more we mix with them, the better we become in the following days. We would we like to be in the future? Enhance our relationships with them. Build networks that nourishes us, so that we continue becoming better versions of ourselves.

Invest time in relationships that matters.

Initiating a relationship in the digital age that we live in, is as easy as clicking accept from a stranger's request. It is not wrong to have this practice, and I have discovered friends and networks that nourished my knowledge, and inspired me, especially in Linkedin.

What I am suggesting, is for us to spend time on what I term as our "Relationship Backlog" (just like how we call uncompleted required Product Backlog in SCRUM). Why? Because relationships are Works In Progress. We must keep putting in effort to maintain them, as their status never changes to Complete. Even the closest relationships can be diluted with time, if we do not invest our efforts to maintain it. I like to classify my "Relationship Backlog" into 6 categories:

1. Family - Our spouse, children and immediate family members
2. Inner Circle - Who will you call for help during a crisis? Who do you know you can depend on if you need help? Try to keep the number of friends in this group low, below 15.
3. Close Circle - This group consists of your mentor, important colleagues, business partners, crucial clients, and members of your mastermind group. The acid test? Even though you might not meet that regularly, you can just pick up right where you left off (No more than 30 person)
4. Normal Friends - Engage in hobbies/sports together, provide support sometimes.
5. Acquaintances - I call this a handshake zone. This is where you place friends where you remember some fuzzy details of where you were connected. Maybe you met at a social gathering, but have never actually done business before. You are able to put a face to the name, and rattle off some details off the back of your head.
6. Hi Bye Friends - Hmmmmm this guy looks familiar... I seem to have met him before somewhere... but I am not sure.... Oh he's waving at me... I'll wave back... hmmmm he's not walking over... .ok then I'll slowly walk away as well...

If you think about it, with the exception of family members who are related by blood, relationships usually progresses from Category 6 to Category 1, including your spouse. But once someone reaches the top 2 categories, they tend to stay there for a long time. This also means, if we fail to maintain the relationship of those belonging to Category 1 and 2 (for example, seeking a divorce from our spouse), we are essentially throwing away years of "relationship investment".

In the unfortunate event that we experience such "losses", how many years do we have left to find ourselves a new spouse, or even a new best friend? I have enjoyed the fruits of taking a deliberate approach towards relationships, and I hope the following tips can help you as well:

"Investment" strategy for the 6 categories

1. Family - Always be available. They are the most important people in our lives. if they don't deserve the time, then who?
2. Inner Circle - Always be in touch. Well, they are the ones you call when you are in desperate need for help, isn't it? Check in regularly with those in this group. Offer help and support when needed.
3. Close Circle - Cater time for a quick chat, coffee or just text exchanges at least once a month. Even a cactus needs water sometimes.
4. Normal Friends - No need for a deliberate attempt to keep in touch. Stay in touch via social media, or when opportunity calls for it (school reunion gathering, basketball match, friend's wedding etc). Regular evaluation for potential upgrade to Category 3.
5. Acquaintances - Regular evaluation for potential upgrade to Category 4. Perhaps we can introduce them into some of our social gathering groups for normal friends. I have found out that over the years, by cross introducing friends, I was able to organise larger gatherings and thus maintain relationships with my friends with lesser effort.
6. Hi Bye Friends - It is easy to treat friends in this group as expendable. But remember, assumptions are the termites of relationships. Someone who belong here could have potential to move up the echelon. I'll suggest to try communicating to check the vibes. If there are no chemistry, there is always a discreet way to disconnect yourself via "unfriending" them. Removing friends from this category could free up some time for friends in other categories.

There is more to life than 'liking','un-liking', and commenting around the Internet. Let's invest our time in relationships that matters. Now, as I look down at my own "Relationship Backlog", I must admit I have been guilty of not following my own advice. Friends whom I have made a promise to catch up, you should be hearing from me real soon....

Weixi Tan helps clients to implement impactful change initiatives by addressing the human side of change through the use of psychometrics such as Workplace Big 5 and Strength Deployment Inventory. He also facilitates sessions using award winning online simulations that highlights important principles of change management. All interventions can be conducted in a virtual instructor led environment. He can be contacted at [email protected].