#30 The Good, Bad & Ugly of Apologising At Work

THAT MOMENT WHEN YOU HEAR

• “I’m sorry if you feel that way.”
• “I’m sorry but that was not how I saw it.”
• “I’m sorry if you think I did something wrong”
• “I’m sorry but there are two sides to this story.”
• "I’m sorry but you started it.”
• “I’m sorry that you don’t think it’s funny.”
• “I’m sorry - you happy now?”
• “I’m sorry…I was just….”

…you’re in the Good, Bad & Ugly of Apologising At Work

THINK // 3 insights from the field

?? THE GOOD THING about apologies is that when done well, it offers both giver and receiver a therapeutic sense of closure.

We will all hurt or harm someone at some point - intentionally or unintentionally, in big ways or small ways.

When a person, group or institution has done us harm and caused us hurt, a desire for mental, emotional and practical closure opens up for us.

• I want them to say sorry (mental closure - repair through words)
• I want them to just show some guilt at what they did! (emotional closure - repair through emotional connection)
• I want them to just fix the mess they made. (practical closure - repair through restorative action)

If closure is not offered this way, we suffer from a case of “unfinished business” with the offender/s.

We will fume, ruminate, hold grudges, hate. We struggle to let go. We cannot and will not “just get over it”.

This is the Ziegarnik Effect: the propensity of human beings to remember what’s uncompleted better than what’s completed.?

It is named after psychologist Bluma Zeigarnik’s observations of how waiters only seemed to remember the orders that they were in the process of serving. Once they completed their task, the orders were wiped clean from their memory. As long as the task remained unfinished, the sense of “something needs to be done” stuck in the mind like an existential Post-It.

The Zeigarnik Effect warns us that if we do not fully process negative events with each other:

• the offended will remember and rehearse negative thoughts about the offender in an endless repeated loop.
• Trust erodes and the relationship goes into a tailspin of negativity.
• The offended will see the offender with an increasingly critical eye and begin to unwittingly vilify everything about the offender.

The offender may also be stuck in their own parallel process of a negative endless repeated loop.

• Offenders who are somewhat aware of their guilt and shame may be stuck in an endless repeated loop of self-blame and self-hate. They look at themselves with increasing distrust and negativity.
• Offenders who are NOT aware of their guilt and shame may be stuck in an endless repeated loop of self-destruction. They keep doing whatever offensive things they do without being stopped and the damage they take to their thoughts, their relationships, their character, their soul is not to be underestimated.

Closure is a sense of relief that an unpleasant situation, time, or experience can finally come to an end.

When you experience Closure, both the offender and offended can be truly set free to Begin again: new activities, new phase of relationships, new character growth etc. Everyone can “move on”

This is why apologising is one of the most crucial relational skills we all need to master. It is a powerful skill to support closure between people.

(Forgiveness is another crucial relational skill we need to master that supports closure. But I’ll focus on apology in this edition first.)

We can never “take back” the hurt or harm we’ve done to someone. What’s done is done.

But if you are the offender, what you can do for your present and future well-being is to learn to offer a well-rounded apology.

3 hallmarks of a well-rounded Good Apology.

1. take responsibility for the hurt/harm caused. You name in specific words the specific norm violated, the specific damage you caused as a consequence.
2. repair the relationship - emotionally & psychologically. You allow the thought of what you’ve done to connect with your emotional being and connect their emotional being. People need to see, sense and feel that your apology is not just a bunch of words but something you embody. An emotionally disconnected or distanced apologiser is not apologising. People deeply dislike and distrust someone who is acting apologetic.
3. restore through actions - you practically and tangibly give back what you stole, pay back what you’ve ruined, do what was left undone etc.

Apologising is hard but it is one of the most humbling, ennobling and truly Good things you’ll learn to do.

?? THE BAD THING is not many of us get schooled in the necessity or skill of apology, so we do it poorly.

We don’t know how to give apologies well.

• We over-apologise: Saying sorry for almost anything and everything, even minor stuff that aren’t hurtful or harmful.
• We under-apologise: We don’t attend to the elements of a full apology. Usually this is taught to kids as “Just apologise to X! Say sorry!” as a clumsy way for everyone to get over the moment. Nothing is truly repaired with an under-apology. Just look at the grudging sullen way “I’m sorry” is given and received in playground fights between kids. Things are swept under the rug - and repeated again and again.
• We non-apologise: This is so problematic and damaging it deserves a longer list below.

In Ray Williams’ articl e “Non-Apologies are Spreading Like a Virus , he defines non-apologies this way:

Non-apologies are frequently an avoidance of personal responsibility is often a form of gaslighting. The non-apology often puts the blame on the victims or critics of the perpetrator, because the message is “If anyone is stupid or too insensitive to be offended by what I did, then I guess I apologize, but only because their unreasonableness forces me to do so to make the problem go away.” This illustrates a lack of empathy, insincerity and a refusal to accept personal responsibility for their own acts. Language is also manipulated in a non-apology to give the appearance of an apology.

6 Classic Bad Apologies (that are Non-Apologies really) Offered Between People

1.“I’m sorry…I feel so bad…Can you forgive me…” : This is a classic self-centred, emotionally manipulative apology. The attention is on the offender’s experience and the offender’s need for compassion from the offended. It usually shows up as an oversharing of the terrible things going on for them, coupled with a very rushed request for forgiveness. What is notably missing is any taking of specific responsibility for what happened or connecting with how the offended party feels about it.

• I hope you won’t hold this against me. You’re my best friend.
• I know you can forgive me. You’ve always been kind. I’ve always been there for you. I hope you can be here for me.
• I’ve lost so much sleep over what I did. I’m so upset.
• I’ve had so much going on. I lashed out. I was stressed.

2. “I’m sorry…I was JUST . . .” : This is a self-justifying non-apology where a case is made that what happened was really a good thing or done from good intentions.

• I’m sorry…I was just having fun. Don’t be so serious.
• I’m sorry…I was just offering my perspective.
• I’m sorry…I was just being helpful.
• I’m sorry…I was just being a devil’s advocate.

3. “I am sorry YOU THINK/FEEL…” : This is classic blame-shifting apology where the offended is positioned as the problem by the offender. I am really apologising to myself for having to deal with this unreasonable person who IMAGINES they are hurt or think they’ve been harmed.

• I’m sorry you feel upset, angry, sad etc.
• I’m sorry you think I was being disrespectful.

4. “I am sorry IF (this actually happened, but it may not have happened)” : This is a conditional apology because the offender implies a stronger case has to be made that the event ACTUALLY happened. If it didn’t happen, I have nothing to apologise for and the apology I just gave is erased.

• I’m sorry if anyone was offended
• I’m sorry if I did anything wrong
• I’m sorry if you took it that way

5. “I am sorry BUT…” : This is an excuse-making & major blame-shifting apology where no responsibility is taken at all. DARVO (Deny-Accuse-Reverse Victim & Offender) may even be used here as a strategy to get out of the situation.

• I am sorry but nobody told me there was a problem…
• I am sorry, but everyone else didn’t have an issue with it
• I am sorry but if you did not start doing that, I would not…
• I am sorry but there’s some truth in what I said…
• I am sorry but nobody is perfect here. We all contributed to this mess…so I’m not the only one to blame here…
• I am sorry but you didn’t know better either…!
• I’m sorry but there are two sides to this….It takes two to tango…you played a part in this too

6. “I regret…I’ve hurt people I love…I’m suffering” : This show-boat, sidestepping public apology is another form of self-centred apology except it’s careful to even erase the word ‘I am sorry’. - especially if it is a public apology. No responsibility is accepted nor desire to relate to the offended is extended. No repentance is felt and the offender even takes pains to do plenty of reframing to remind everyone they are actually a wonderful human being and they are so much more than the bad thing that just happened to them (that they actually caused)

• I regret that things happened.
• I regret that I’ve hurt my family who is the most important people to me in the world right now. I want to take time off to heal myself and my family. We are hurting too.
• All this doesn’t reflect who I really am or want to be.
• We are all imperfect. And I am imperfect too.

For Harriet Lerner, author of “Why Won’t You Apologise?”, there are:

6 Tips to Elevate Your Apologies

1. No ifs or buts.
2. Don't overdo the apology: over-apologising makes people feel uncomfortable at the exaggeration.
3. Keep your attention on the hurt party, not on how you think/feel about their reactions: don’t overshadow the hurt party with your own pain or remorse.
4. Stay focused on the current conflict: don’t bring up all the rifts that came before.
5. Focus on building a better understanding or connection even if things are hard to hear: Remember that an apology isn't meant to be the way to squirm out of a tough conversation. It's a powerful way to grow closer to someone.
6. Listen only to try to wrap your brain around the essence of what that hurt party needs you to get. And even if it's only 5%, that you apologize for that 5% first. Our automatic set point is to listen defensively for distortions, exaggerations and inaccuracies. We listen for what we don't agree with so we can defend ourselves and correct the facts.

?? THE UGLY THING is in the case of serious hurt or harm caused by public figures or public institutions, you will also see non-apologies being weaponised as a public relations strategy.

This causes a significant sense of institutional betrayal and lack of closure amongst anyone in the public who trusted them.

Sometimes institutions try to dodge apologising by

• using words that paint the offence as something innocent vs. intentional: “Mistakes”, “oversight”, “lapse”, “error”
• passive, emotionless, impersonal voice vs. active voice with human names and emotions:“Mistakes were made”, “Errors were discovered in the system”, “Lapses were uncovered”
• shift of blame to someone/something else: “This was before the current leadership”, “The wrong did not occur on our property”, “The wrongdoer was just a volunteer.”
• emphasis that circumstances was unforeseeable or understandable: “It was outside of our control”, ““(Leader) was under stress, medicated, impaired…”, “Had we known then what we know now we would have made a different decision.”

If you want to test the authenticity of an institutional apology, try the S.C.O.R.E framework seen in Wade Mullen’s excellent essay “What I’ve Observed When Institutions Try to Apologize and How They Can Do Better” :

An Apology S.C.O.R.E. Card

• Surrender. Does the apology show signs of giving up the desire to defend oneself or are they still protecting themselves through blame, excuses, justification, and self-promotion?
• Confession. Does the apology confess to specific wrongs done - both known and unknown wrongs? When confronted or exposed, a truly surrendered offender is more likely to voice a number of confessions that match or exceed the number of truths presented in the exposure.
• Ownership. Does the apology acknowledge their active participation in the wrong-doing or inviting due consequences and due penalty for wrongs done?
• Recognition. Out of ownership flows recognition. Does the apology go beyond confessing to specific wrongs to also recognising specific harms caused across the spectrum?
• Empathy. Does the apology reflect the emotional gravity of the wrong that was done?

FEEL // 2 links to help you feel less alone

WATCH clinical psychologist Dr Harriet Lerner share about why some people may never get the apology they deserve. She offers a 6 sentence guide to reaching the one who hurt you, and to making your own healing apology. Dr Lerner is the author of Why Won't You Apologize: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts.

READ Wade Mullen’s essay on the problem with many institutional apologies and his SCORE framework of distinguishing a sincere apology from an insincere one.

DO // 1 strategy to try this week

Dissect an apology you've given that was not satisfying to the other party:

1. Did you take responsibility for the specific hurt/harm caused? Did you name the specific harms/hurts done and the consequences of that.
2. Did you focus on repairing the relationship? Did you emotionally engage with the person by listening to what they experienced without needing to correct them?
3. Did you restore through actions? How did you offer to practically and tangibly give back, pay back or do something reparative that was acceptable to the offended party?

If you want strategising, training, coaching, facilitation help to sort out what's working/not working in your organisational culture, you can:

• Email us at [email protected]
• Fill in this enquiry form on our website here.

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