30 Conflict Rules & Principles for Resolution, Guidance, and Greater Self-Discipline

We authored these a couple of years ago when we were addressing some conflict. They were updated slightly after review and advisement by founding pastors, priests, psychologists, and others. This article has been re-written for other forms of conflict, and so it is re-named with a new title. The older version of this article will still be available. 

1. Only say things from the current conflict. If someone uses an example from a past conflict, understood to be resolved, avoid creating confusion or further conflict by asking what the purpose is for them bringing it up. Even as a pattern within several conflicts from an individual seems to emerge, it does not equate that the pattern is present or helpful to bring up within the current conflict resolution, especially when it involves parties unrelated to the current conflict resolution.

2. Focus on self-control, not controlling others. If someone feels they will react to something said in anger, ask to take a break. Do not blame anyone for personal reactions; accept ownership of actions and reactions. Others cannot be responsible for how we react, only how and if they respond.

3. Do not focus on what others could have done; instead, focus on what we can control or could have done to prevent a conflict. When addressing how disputes could have been avoided, focus on using the word "I" in referring to faults, not "you." Certainly do not say that "I" should not have allowed "you" to "________," as that is again blaming the other party and pushing the responsibility onto them, which is not self-control.

4. Character takes time, and we often revisit the same situations with people. Just as is the Bible, it is okay to use past examples to explain how we previously resolved it. Any previously resolved dispute is safe to bring up, but it is also good to ask the other person if they are bringing it up because they still have strong feelings about it that need addressing.

5. Anytime there is anger, there is also fear, pride, or shame. Recognize this, seek out the truth internally of what it is, and then be honest with the other party. Apologize first. 

6. If anyone is upset about something, speak up right away, not days later, without telling anyone. We do not want to build up our anger with a "list of accounts," especially when other parties are not aware there was anything wrong.

7. Always take the time to resolve things before bed.

8. Pray for all involved in a conflict. Both during the conflict and while separated. 

9. Repeat what the others say, so all know what they heard is true. Often when strong emotions are involved, we hear or understand things different than they are said or read.

10. Always acknowledge that people do not control or know how others feel about what is said, only what they say and how they say it. They can internally be using a "strategy" to "win" a conflict, and in such a case, they likely know full well how avoiding the truth could make you feel. However, they are also possibly misremembering based on fear or simply not having coffee that day. It is best to remain focused on getting to the truth by speaking substantively and truthfully on the issues and focus on resolutions. People who act or lie to others for personal gain are not likely seeking resolution but are focused on seeking justification for their harmful actions for personal gain. Do not expect genuine dialogue or active pursuit of resolution by these types of parties in a dispute. They are far more likely to seek to make their "opponents" angered more in attempts to justify whatever they are committing, or have already committed, against them.

11. Remember that people can only work through things with their current knowledge and abilities. It is okay to say, "I do not know how to express something," and allow another party to ask questions to help clarify and repeat what you said to understand.

12. No "gotcha" moments. If someone admits they did something wrong, grace applies.

13. Take all parties at their word, and if a party is assuming more or different than what is said, ask them to repeat it back until it is clear and no one adds to or changes what was said.

14. Reassure all parties that if they get worked up that everyone can take a break. Do not demand someone do anything, accept when someone says "no," and do not "make fun" of anyone who needs a break. Someone may, knowingly or unknowingly, bring up new issues that others were not aware of, or they might be intentionally lying about it. It is best to be in an environment that focuses on revealing the truth in love and not focusing on belittling anyone's current perspective or perception. In an environment working towards a resolution, none will be assumed correct by being correct in the past or in having relevant experience. We must measure each occasion independently to avoid confusion and creating further conflict. Despite a party having some relevant experience in brokering resolutions, that should not give credit to their determination of the truth, especially when both parties of a conflict might lose some value. As such, justice is blind.

15. Always follow through, as possible. Peace in the house is what makes a happy home. Peace in the soul helps everyone sleep and have the energy to do the things that people tend to start conflict for not getting done. A clear conscience breeds wise decisions, and love (woman) and respect (man) builds steady hands and confidence. Completed tasks and fulfilling one's word will instill security, trust, love, and faith all around.

16. Discipline and penance are okay. Adults do prayer, and kids do spanking, grounding, or time-outs. No threats; always follow through with punishments. No threats mean no warning that punishment will come if children do not behave. Remain kind, so none are confused about love for them, but do not warn them or count, spank them and then ask if they are ready to behave now. Follow through on punishments. If punishments are stated but not able to have follow-through, it will not work because a word given must become fulfilled for others to gain trust and reliance on consistent boundaries. The intermittent discipline of one's word creates distrust and ultimately creates continued testing of boundaries due to the boundaries not being firm. Hence, spanking or time-outs are the easiest. Give mercy in mistakes as children choose to harm, with fair warning that if they keep doing so, it is to their detriment in the long-term. It is far better that children learn what punishment is from someone who loves them through spanking than by a judge and prison system.

17. God is about principles that are always true. When we get angry, it can be for fear, shame, unforgiveness of past wrongs we slept on before resolving, pride, wanting something we are not receiving "right away," or otherwise. We can respect the truth of the principles without assuming what the reason may be for the person. We can appreciate that someone knows there is a reason for people's reaction to a particular subject, and the response is usually limited to that subject and how they feel about it. We can make wise decisions as a family when we see something in people while also respecting what we can and cannot know.

18. Judge not, lest ye be judged. One of our fears can be that someone in the family is bringing something up, where they may not be keeping to these rules. The result can cause us to believe they are assuming something about someone we are speaking about or not present. In truth, we may be right, or we may be thinking they are doing that. Search the heart and ask if a reaction is truly from within the other person. Often, when we respond, we can judge the person for the actual thing we are committing to them.

19. We believe and find peace when our beliefs are the truth. When we believe something false, we will always struggle and give others double binds. Example: If we believe that all families fight and that is normal, then it is hard to justify being mad that people argue. When people think it is customary to fight, they may say to someone that it is normal for them to fight and seek to blame someone else for the fight or fighting back, creating a "double bind" for a responding party. Seemingly a scenario is created where no matter what happens, one party believes they are "always right." If someone does not agree with them, that person is perceived as "always wrong," giving no option for either party to gain resolution or peace. So we examine our beliefs and be okay with people saying they are in a "double bind." Both parties can step away and ask themselves at that point if there was a double bind or not.

20. Each party should do their best to take each other at their word. In any discussions about a decision or conflict, be sure that we are not speaking about others in a "shame or blame" way. We seek to tell the truth, control only ourselves, and admit what we could do better or differently next time. There is no shame for us because we trust we are growing with God as a family.

21. Whoever asks for a break for their anger or fear tells the other party when to resume. There must be a time limit provided so this is not used as an excuse or to create a claim of being too busy later. The whole point of not arguing when angry and resolving things is to save time and energy both when we are present and not. Anytime we agree to step away, both parties will reflect on the rules they may have broken and then admit which ones they failed at when they return to the conversation.

22. FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real. We need to ask ourselves when we are acting in fear, what the evidence is for the fear, and what evidence we know of the other party may counter that fear, which is likely more accurate. When we fear something, we look for evidence that might justify our fear, even if it comes long after the initial fear or actions taken due to that fear. (e.g., a wife fearing their husband will not get a job causes extra work for a husband needing to lead through her fears, creating exhaustion that ultimately affects the result of an interview that could solve the issue).

23. Our fears or faith becomes real, whether it is now or not. If one party fears there cannot be a resolution, they may get mad and say they are leaving, even if the second party believes we can resolve things. One might refuse to go to therapy because they have convinced themselves in fear that they cannot be happy with their spouse, rather than by faith go to treatment and expose and heal the issues. By refusing to go, we create the outcome that we feared would happen by default, whether it would have happened or not.

24. Money, physical attraction, trips, and anything else "of the earth," so to speak, is not as crucial to our family as our eternal souls or peace in our home. It is not for either of us to say that we cannot be happy if one does not submit fully to the other. It is for us to reflect on what is essential in life to us personally. The family can only be as joyful and peaceful as one of its parts that leads us towards peace. If we do not work towards peace within ourselves, we cannot create peace within others. Whatever we give to others, whether anger, frustration, grace, love, truth, respect, hate, time, talent, treasures, or otherwise, it will be given back to us shaken up and toppling over.

25. Men feel love through admiration and respect. Women feel love through time, care, attention, and affection. These are principles that we know are true. We will not always know how to give someone advice as we are not "in their shoes" and cannot know everything about their situation. Most often, the advice we give others is the advice we need. These are principles found in the Bible, and all work through practical application.

26. If anyone sleeps before resolving any issues, anger can come out randomly on small things that do not matter much. 

27. If there is something we have resolved many times, but someone is remains angered by it, ask why. Usually, as anger or resentment remains, someone either did not forgive, and they just lied to not deal with it, or they did not say everything and are still harboring resentment for the past issue. Tell them they are safe to talk about it.

28. Do not excuse poor behaviors by placing responsibility for them on uncontrollable things. Focus only on things that can be controlled or modified. If someone says it is their personality, and people must accept them for who they are, it opens the door for other parties to use the same excuse. When this happens, there is no resolution but avoidance of accountability due to claiming people cannot alter character issues because they are "a part of them." When someone blames their environment or an inanimate object for a problem of character or behavior, they are stating that they did not have self-control because their environment or the object was the cause of the issue, which is an avoidance of accountability. Someone can have circumstances that help to point out to everyone where they could have helped when an individual was already overwhelmed, such as a group or team not realizing they had all added to a single team member's workload. They all had no idea of how overloaded the individual might have been. However, in this instance, there is also a lack of communication from the overloaded individual. Speaking up about these things can bring resolutions in the form of better corporate or family policies. 

29. Any excuse someone initially provides, others will also use. Be the leader at all times. If someone desires compliments, encouragement, support, gratitude, they must also exercise this with others. If someone needs more of that, let others know. Do not demand it or attempt to solicit them by complaining, but by giving them to others freely. When someone recognizes a difference within people's attitude in deeds and words, they often attempt to take on the traits they admire of others, naturally and without any need to say it out loud or demand better character or behaviors. Whatever we give, we will get back to us more so.

30. Several things can be happening to a person that can cause conflict. We can be projecting fear onto someone from something going on in a past or current unresolved conflict. Someone could be on a time crunch. In disputes, what is true is that someone or both parties are fearful, prideful, ashamed, or otherwise cross. Even if someone knows the party well, they still may not understand why they act out, so ask instead of making an assumption. The further away we are from people, the less we know about the inner workings of what they are facing currently or what else is affecting them. It is best to be open to listening, reserving judgment, and being okay with what others do and do not know and can and cannot know. We do not want to ask another party why they do not accept what we believe is going on with them, as we may find that our fear is projecting onto them something that is not true, rather than allowing ourselves to listen and accept what is true. We see through a darkened glass on earth, and not all will become clear until we are in heaven. Slowly removing our own biases allows us and others to see reality as it is versus a projected false reality.