3 years no cannabis, and why I've decided to smoke weed again.

I spent so much of my life getting high. What started as an experiment in 8th grade, led to a deep relationship with cannabis, and an identity that formed around smoking this plant.

But today, I'm so high.

Hahaha -

got you! ??

Definitely not high (yet). Still cannabis free, and I just hit a big milestone:

3 years without weed.

Wow!

Yup. January 31st, 2022... right here in Orlando actually (where I was still living at the time) is the last day I smoked pot.

What started as a one month break led to a 3 month challenge (thanks be to my friend who'd also cut around the same time)... which, due to this special gent, inspired me to embark on the greatest challenge of all:

one year no cannabis.

He was determined, and he challenged me to go with him.

Ironically, I was the one who made it all the way, not him. Haha! But this is why you need ambitious friends. I wouldn't have taken the dare without him, and my understanding is he still had profound results from the breaks he did take.

But I won :)

Anyways-

I know this article, topic, way of open-mindedness may not be for everyone. I've always been a free spirit. People may not understand us (potheads) and that's really okay.

The thing for me was, I started smoking at 14 years old and just never quite stopped.

I never gave life a fair shot without cannabis. And in 2022 I started awakening heavily (29 y/o, Saturn return... my astrology folks will understand). This was a heavy time in my personal ascension and so it makes sense, timeline-wise, that I was just sick and tired of my own childish BS.

I was on the cusp of 30, and just so over the hold this plant had on me.

I was sick of not facing my pain, my discomfort, my traumas... and I just knew there was something magical for me on the other side of this "restraint" - which is certainly what it felt like at the time.

But quitting got easier.

I knew about the capacity for my dreams to go wild after stopping, as I'd taken breaks in my life before. All stoners know about the ridiculously intense dreams that often occur after a detox. But I'd never imagine the experiences I'd soon embark on whilst asleep from months 4-8 of my withdrawal from cannabis. (and remember, this is basically a 15-year detox, as I'd smoked almost everyday for the past 1.5 decades).

Month 4 of no cannabis is when I began:

sleep talking

sleep walking

lucid dreaming

astral projecting!

you name it.

Thank God I had a BF at the time whom I shared a bed with, because idk what sort of crazy I could have gotten myself into had he not been there to monitor. Sometimes I actually do miss those days, as those dream experiences offered a much greater high than I could achieve at the point in my life through cannabis, anyways.

But they did eventually subside, and my sleep returned to normal.

By the second half of the year, I was in the clear and barely thinking about smoking at all anymore. AND!!! - was truly starting to see the benefits of my consciousness fully coming online. I felt more in touch with myself. More in tune with my "yes's" and my "no's".

Some of the self-discovery was so intense it almost baffled me. Like the world was just more "in color" and I was way more psychic, able to read people, and stay fully present in my day to day life.

By the time I hit the year mark, I felt completely transformed. And while I gave myself permission to fully indulge once again after completing this challenge... I just realized at that point I liked NOT smoking too much!

and so I kept going.

6 months after that (18+ months clean of weed), I also quit drinking. Another well intended break that I only just recently broke during my adventures in Europe.

My GOODNESS how I missed wine!

So,

I lasted 1.5 years no alcohol.

I lasted 3+ years now... no weed!

I am immensely proud of myself for choosing sobriety. The reality was that I needed to be as clear and grounded as possible during this past phase of my life because, 1.) Yes... I'm in my 30's now and a part of me felt I just had to "grow up" - sure sure,

but it's deeper than that.

It's really about:

2.) long overdue traumas that I didn't have the capacity to process before.

I truly think prior to developing this strength I actually NEEDED drugs, or what some would consider, "medications" to function in life. It wouldn't be until my late 20's where I finally got the call from my higher self, God, etc... that I was strong enough to let go of any agent that could be numbing me in any way possible...

and simply begin to feel all my sh*t.

Easier said than done-

but I did it!

And now?

I made the personal call that,

that season is over.

A lot of this self-reflection around my relationships to substances, and particularly psychedelics, came to light recently when a potential romantic interest of mine entered my field and challenged me greatly.

We met in August and spent the better half of a month together, but nothing physical happened. He was a devoted Christian and very committed to the faith, so he refused to engage in anything sexual outside of marriage.

Looking back, probably a blessing.

still - we had a wild connection.

One I couldn't ignore.

Could I be his wife?

I actually thought about it.

But he had one non-negotiable that caused me to look at myself even deeper.

"NO DRUGS!"

It baffled me because - I didn't consider myself a drug user at all anymore. I'd been +1 year no booze at that point, and 2.5 years no weed. Yet my current lifestyle as it was, still not up to his standards. Sure - I still had my stash of psychedelics, but even that, seldom dipped into anymore. Just wanted on-hand my mushroom microdose from time to time... as it does help me with presence.

But his traditional morals and (excuse me, but...) very very OLD SCHOOL way of thinking got to my head, and for a time influenced me quite a bit. He was insanely dominant (and hot, lol) and so it just kind of shook the ground beneath me.

Gotta love masculine, determined, and strongly convicted men.

But the encounter began to rattle me, and... my own convictions.

I couldn't find middle ground with him to the benefits of plant medicines, even though I truly believe they've altered my life for the better, and played a pivotal role in my own healing journey. But, because I loved this man very much, and was just so enamored by his very presence... I also began to feel, okay well...

I guess, sure...

I could be done.

I didn't see their purpose anymore... and I'd already been for the most part incredibly sober the past couple years after waving goodbye to the two most prevalent substances:

alcohol & weed.

This is what led to the production of my 30 minute memoir on my LinkedIn newsletter. A long account of my journey with these plants that many of you may have read, back in fall of 2024 - "An Open Letter to Psychedelics - why I walked away and what I learned from my time in 'The Occult'"

I'm not gonna remove the Newsletter as it's truly how I did feel at the time (that I'd be completely done forever!). But yeah...

that has now changed.

Still, much else in the article stands and is valuable if you want to learn more about psychedelics. It's also still true and relevant that, my relationship to plant medicines will never be one of such dire NEED ever again.

I have healed from so much.

But will I indulge in plant medicines, even high-dose psychedelic ceremonial experiences... ever again in my whole life?

Probably. And it is with mild embarrassment I admit to you all that me writing that article was (in hindsight) my way of declaring full abstinence in an attempt to try and make myself FIT into the role of this "ideal woman" this gent so boldly demanded I needed to become,

in order for me to have him.

Lol - there's so much more there. I could go on and on about the experience I shared with this guy. It's probably an entire book, but that's for another time.

The point is -

through the engagement with this man and his strict, rigid way of being...

it actually forced me back into myself.

Let me explain-

It's like I got SO USED TO BEING SOBER over the years now, that I didn't really even consider when/if I'd smoke&drink again. Not that I ever wrote it off entirely - I just got used to my little routine of (for the most part) a very sober life with yes, the occasional mild plant medicine dose... or trip to the Kava bar.

But because his rules got me thinking more and more about how I could soon find myself in a life agreement to NEVER EVER AGAIN do a drug...?

Ironically, in the end-

I guess I "broke."

This zero drug tolerance, almost like that of Latter-Day-Saints, among other "demands" from this man... got me to call off the engagement entirely and take full ownership of my true self.

Who I actually am.

& why I don't need to change!

I began to question and locate what it is that I personally require from a man to feel "free". And as it turns out, (shocker), it's not that of a submissive, sober, Christian housewife who's happy to let my husband call all the shots and, for us both, make all of the rules.

(I also recognize and totally respect that for some women, this kind of a setup with a man IS their freedom! and that's okay.)

But I'm different. & this whole encounter caused me to, on a deeper level, fully accept and embody my own essence.

LOL so funny now looking back on it - "never do a psychedelic again" ???

Come on Shay, your soul is laughing at this.

I actually AM... and will likely in years to come, grow more to be...

A medicine woman.

w/ or w/o the plants, I am a shaman. And not to toot my own horn, but I think many people both virtually, and in my real life, have benefitted from my sage wisdom and psychedelic insights throughout the years.

Through this self-investigation I realized I'm actually NOT out of control when it comes to plant medicines, and other substances.

Nor have I ever been.

I just. had. a heavy. dependency... on a plant called

Marijuana.

And I had since a child had grown to need it, like a best friend...

like a parent.

But I've grown up a lot. I know my way around "drugs" - I've had both healthy, and unhealthy relationships with them. And for sure Cannabis was at the top of the list. Something I abused. Something I perhaps HAD TO ABUSE dating back to my childhood per the baggage I was carrying. A younger, intuitive Shay knew she'd surely be prone to get hooked on something...

so I let it be weed.

I learned how to use weed as a reward system and it gave me something to "hang onto", which I desperately needed at that time in my life.

It kept me from getting hooked on pills, or heroin...

and thank goodness for that.

But by my late 20's, it was clear-

I just didn't need it. And as I also stated in the memoir about Psychedelics: all drugs serve a purpose. They're useful, until they use you!

3 years ago, I realized...

I had gotten to that point with Cannabis.

& today I realize...

I'm not there anymore.

I healed so much these past couple years being sober. I got in touch with my higher self like never before. I reached new levels of consciousness that had me in awe, many days. I am eternally, eternally grateful to myself for having made this hard choice to stay sober day after day, year after year... since February 1st, 2022.

AND! -

that season is over.

It's okay.

I can have it.

I trust myself to know when and where is appropriate to indulge - and despite comments from other friends of mine, also sober / recovered addicts who have made interesting points like, "You're sober now, so you have an obligation to your following..."

Whoa whoa whoa, hold up now!!

Nahhhh...

I never said it was forever. In fact,

I never claimed to be anything but THIS with my following:

honest.

That was honestly where I was then (exploring sobriety, my healing, my faith...)

and this is honestly where I am now:

permitted.

If I want to have a drink, I'm going to have a drink. And one day, perhaps soon... or perhaps it may still be awhile yet...

I look forward to, once again,

smoking weed.

No judgement, no shame.

Just a part of the journey.

& also?

I trust I'll never again have the same relationship I once did with Cannabis. I think, if I may say so myself, that 3 years is one hell of a reset. I also have an open mind to realize that, potentially, when I do smoke again...

there's a chance I won't even like it at all.

& that's great!

The moral is: enough time being sober has made me redefine my relationships to substances entirely. And thank goodness for that, because I truly know I don't need them. I will be unlikely to ever come at usage from a place of "need" / persistent escapism ever again. Or God-forbid if I do, I know I can catch it.

I've learned to be in discomfort.

I've learned the value of feeling my pain.

I've learned how to be present... and I ain't going back.

It's rather a conscious choice to indulge out of celebration, pleasure, and you know what...?

Just because I'm my own adult, and I because I make the rules.

I understand and respect that for truly defined "addicts", this cannot be the case. And this isn't an article to state that ANYONE can dip in and out like I'm doing.

Everyone has a right to make their own choices, and for now...

this is mine.

So, there you have it.

An honest update from a 32 year old rebel.

These past couple years I have matured a lot. But through this last potential romantic relationship (among other factors), I rediscovered a lot about myself and my needs, and for that I'm so grateful.

I recognize that to some, I may still seem immature. That an engagement offer from a hardworking, sober, Christian man may seem like a no-brainer for some women...

it wasn't for me.

I truly feel this man came into my life as a test to my old self who likely would have thrown away her authenticity for the promise of love.

But he wasn't my husband.

He was my healer.

A beautiful soul who forced me to question and take inventory of so many areas of my life and consider who I really am, and what I truly want.

Could I ever get married, have a family?

Maybe - and I'm not writing that off.

I'm just not going to settle.

It's about finding someone who can accept me FOR ME - to resolve that wound once and for all that so often said, "In order to get love, I have to sacrifice who I truly am."

(Also in my defense, and so that you're aware, it wasn't just this "no drug" non-negotiable that made it so I couldn't be with this man. Just the only relevant piece to this article, and an ironically heavy influence as to my decision to re-experiment / re-indulge, as I am now).

Sobriety is great, I just can't commit to it forever.

That's not my style.

& I'm certainly not Mormon. (LDS, no offense!)

I'm an unorthodox, introspective, deep and outside-the-box spiritual woman. ?? This whole experience gave me a new lease on my life, and I decided I'm good with it. Never before have I truly realized my privilege, my blessings, and had so much gratitude for my personal freedom.

I love that (despite my age) I, in many ways...

do still feel like 14.

I love that I can run 8+ miles and barely break a sweat. That I wake up to a peaceful, childless house and retain the freedom to do so.

I love that I can stay up as late as I want, go meet with whomever I please.

I love that my only responsibility is to my staff, my clients, and my cat.

I love how just yesterday I frolic'd around the neighborhood graveyard by myself in utter presence and bliss, before jumping a gated fence on my way home.

I love how I scrapped my knee in the process, bled all the way back, and just laughed at myself as I got home and cleaned up my own wounds.

I even peed in the woods and got some on my sock & my shoe.

Whoops!!

Laundry.

(lol).

But, you know what I love the most?

I love that I finally arrived at the place where I realize no one can judge me...

but me. ??

& yes,

perhaps in some sense...

I will always remain "a child."

It's funny how so much has changed since the age of 14. How I've traveled all over the world, built multiple businesses, met such interesting people, grown and been pushed to expand... so, so very much. From the name change, the cross country moves, the evolving political beliefs and more, you could argue this woman here now...

is entirely different.

Yet somehow through all that, the decades of spiritual growth and evolution- I still find that my soul, my spirit, and my roots...

have stayed just the same.

& perhaps again... one day soon,

I'll puff a joint in the woods.

Just like old times.

Just like...

when I was 14.

#Shayshine ??

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