3 weeks. 3:33 pm. Miss you something fierce, Chip.

Missing you something fierce, Chip.

Do you know I still have your urn resting on the pillow next to mine? I can't bring myself to move you.

I held you in my hands last night. I still can't believe all 30 lbs of your beautiful little chocolate body... amber colored eyes... those amazing ears that didn't hit "maturity" until about 4 years ago (?!) and - all of a sudden- started sticking straight up like little radars... your white tipped twinkle toes... that bushy wolf-like tail of yours... that gorgeous, silky coat... all of it fits in that little box I can hold in my hands now.

I held you and told you how very much I missed you. How much we all do. And how not a single moment goes by where I'm not thinking about you. Wondering what you're doing. Who you're with. What you're seeing. What "life" is like now that you're no longer here.

Things have changed in the pack. In our little family. The dynamics have changed, and we've been doing our best to shift and change along with them.

My struggle is... I didn't want anything to change. I loved everything exactly as it was.

I miss coming home to the sound of your voice.

I miss you being the very first to greet me at the door with your happy little grunts and those funny little noises you used to make.

I miss waking up next to you and getting ready to carpe our diem together.

I miss my little chocolate shadow. You were always somewhere around me.

I just..... miss your presence, Chip. Your physical presence. I miss burying my face in your fur. Doing Nosework with you... man, did you love that... and you were so damn good at it. You were in your bliss when you were working, performing, learning.....

I miss how hard you'd try to carry a tune with Levi... it was like Gilbert Gottfreid trying to keep up with Frank Sinatra. You had this funny, drawn out (yet somewhat melodic) bark-howl thing you did. You and Levi would throw your heads back and just let it rip.

You know, I thought Raiyna would be the one who'd struggle the most with your departure. Turns out it's Levi who's struggling the most. He's the one I'm seeing the most change in: lethargy, less tolerance of Franklin and his antics, and all he wants to do is lay out back.

We deeply miss you, Chip.

I think we all miss the way things used to be.

Time is so fleeting.

I miss having you in our pack... the cohesiveness. I miss our "core four". You, the Todd-father, Raiyna, and Levi. It feels so fragmented and disconnected now, though you know I'm doing my best to fill the void for the others.

I just looked at the clock and it's 3:33 as I'm typing this. Repeating numbers have always been a "sign" for me... as are cardinals, hawks, ladybugs, and feathers (which I've been seeing more of). I also just took little Todd out for relief and a pair of Cardinals flew by us at eye level, then perched on a tree branch right in front of us. I hope this was your way of saying, "I'm still here, Mom... I'm with you...."

I'm sure you see me down here. Doing the best I can. Trying to work, write, develop, help and serve... while dealing with this grief and sorrow. Trying to maintain some sense of normalcy with your brothers and sister. Staying true to the routine you knew so well, though I have added another walk to our days in hopes it would help ease the sting for everyone.

I can't stop looking at your pictures. It feels like forever ago now, and it was only 3 weeks. Life with you seemed to fly by at the blink of my eye.

While I realize with every ending is a new beginning, I just didn't want this particular chapter to end...