3 Ways to Win the Battle with Expectations

Umpteen years ago, right about this time of year, I was brimming with possibilities and enthusiasm. I was a December graduate, and I couldn’t wait to get my life started. It was as if January unfolded just. for. me. (I know, so young and na?ve.)

Only a few years ago, graduation was tough for a lot of college students. The pandemic wreaked havoc on our expectations. No ceremonies, no parties, no mortar boards thrown in the air, no companies with arms open wide and mentors on site.

My daughter’s big day landed in that COVID vortex, so my parents decided that if they couldn’t go to her ceremony, they’d create a little bit of magic at home. Here’s a picture of the happy trio.

Sometimes we get hung up on expectations. We think that resolutions can happen only on January 1, that graduations have to happen in front of an audience to feel real, or that big decisions are final, never to be changed. Why do we do that to ourselves?

Expectations are one of the few things in life that can be great or gut-wrenching. On the negative end, they can cause unnecessary pressure or stress. Expectations can lead to disappointment if they aren’t met. And worse, expectations can limit your flexibility and creativity.

Without flexibility, you’re less likely to allow yourself to shift (I love this word. It was my mantra last year. This year, it’s finish.) Expectations can also lead to unhealthy comparisons with others. Social media is a big “comparison culprit” when you find yourself looking at profiles that have been perfectly curated and feeling FOMO.

On the bright side, expectations can be a great motivator. They help you with goal setting; provide guardrails for relationships, behavior, and performance; and can be a source of pride and accomplishment.

So which is it? How do you make room for positive expectations and kick the negative ones to the curb? Here are three steps that work for me:

1. Put yourself at the tip of the arrow. In other words, be the one to set expectations for yourself. When you try to live up to others’ expectations that don’t always line up with your values, you’re at odds with ever meeting those standards. Note: This step is especially important when making career decisions. It’s critical to find work that aligns with your values. Otherwise, the company’s expectations won’t always intersect with your goals.
2. “Double-click” on flexibility. Life is messy. Expectations are healthy, but sometimes life changes the rules in the middle of the game, which makes it necessary to shift. When you allow yourself the ability to modify your expectations based on experience, you’re putting iteration to work. Bestselling author Dan Pink interviewed Designing Your Life coauthors Evans and Burnett about this idea. They say, “Don’t try to plan your life; prototype it.” That means that having a conversation about a goal or experimenting with it first allows you to adapt your expectations to meet reality.
3. Check in with yourself regularly. Have you heard the phrase that was inspired by author Peter Drucker? “What gets measured improves.” If you’re serious about certain expectations you have for yourself, schedule time to reflect and consider your progress. Also be sure to ask how many of your expectations are driven by you versus others. How can you get aligned? If you can’t, is that an expectation you should release yourself from or discuss with the other party to achieve alignment?

I hope this helps you find the sweet spot between positive and negative expectations. For me, it all comes down to choices, and expectations are really choices you’re making about the future.

Let yourself be happy with making resolutions whenever you’re inspired, enjoy the accomplishments in life no matter what form they take, and know that most big decisions in life can be prototyped rather than planned as you pursue your purpose.

Be positively altered,

Dr. Cindy

P.S. It’s not too late to get your copy of my new book in audio format! The narrator is yours truly, and even my children make a special appearance.

P.P.S. Already loved the book? I’d be grateful for your review at Amazon! Or Goodreads!