3 Ways Leaders Can Manage Their Egos

“3-4% of the injuries were probably unavoidable. No one’s fault. Just a fluke of circumstance. But the remaining 96-97% I can directly trace a straight line back to my own ego.”

I was having a conversation with Ryder Spadafore. He was telling me about his experience with injuries. Ryder is the head instructor of the Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu gym I train at. He’s trained fighters now competing in the UFC.

I’m not one of those fighters. But I can identify with injuries and ego.

I’ve been training for about five years. Nearly all of my injuries occurred within with first year and a half. Almost all of those I can trace back to ego as well.

I wanted to win. I didn’t want to be beaten. So, I pushed too hard and often in ways that got me hurt.

And I got hurt. A lot. In the beginning.

Ego. The Scourge of Leaders

When I first started coaching leaders, I thought I would spend most of my time working on strategy or organizational growth.

Instead, most conversations end up tying back to the self-image of the leader. I rarely use that language when I’m talking to the leader. But that is what we are talking about.

And much of that conversation is impacted by the leader’s ego and emotions that emerge from issues they face.

Emotions can be all over the map. But whatever the problematic emotion is, it is nearly always tied back to fear or pride.

Fear and Pride. Two Sides of The Same Ego Coin

Fear may show up sounding like:

• What if others knew…that I don’t know how to do this, don’t feel confident, don’t understand?
• What if I can’t do this?
• What if I try to trust others and they wreck it?
• What if I end up looking stupid?

Pride may show up sounding like:

• No one else can do what I do as well as I do.
• I must win or achieve.
• I want to be seen as a winner, a success, a smart person, a competent person.
• I want to be associated with this group or that type of person.

Fear and Pride Are Distortions of Truth

The truth is most leaders, rightly, want to feel significant and secure. These are legitimate desires.

The distortion comes when we start to demand that our workplaces or leadership roles constantly feed or support our sense of significance or security. This is rarely conscious.

Instead, leaders find that there is something about the role that does bolster our sense of significance or security. Some of that is real. Some of it is perceived. Either way – when leaders feel that their significance or security is threatened – fear may be the result.

The fear doesn’t look like nail-biting in a closet. It may emerge as anger or inaction or a disproportionate reaction.

Similarly, with pride. Pride is about comparisons. It is about believing that value or worth is tied to where one scores on a scale compared to others. It’s the nature of business and organizations to have hierarchies, organizational charts, pay scales, business rankings, and so on.

Much of this is fine and even necessary. But we can layer meaning and symbolism about personal worth onto those scales.

What To Do

In Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, we talk a lot about ego. It’s a combat sport. You win by forcing someone to submit or choking them out.

Losing never feels good. The problem is, the path to learning requires losing a lot. This means you have to deal with ego early on. People who don’t get hurt or quit.

Then, once you get good, you have to deal with ego again. Or you will hurt people.

Here’s what to do:

1. Get honest: Learn to recognize when your ego is getting in the way. Learn to recognize when you find yourself fighting more for feeling important or safe than caring for others or providing value.

Everyone’s situation is different. My clients often find it helpful to identify one or two contexts where their fear or pride tends to emerge.

Let’s say it is a particular meeting. At the end of the meeting ask yourself: How was my ego impacted during this meeting? What did I want to do? What did I actually do? Is there anything I did well at? Is there anything I would do differently?

2. Get help: Fear and pride, the way I describe it here, are perceptual distortions. We don’t see reality accurately. Just accepting that what we might be wrong about something is a challenge for many leaders. Getting help from someone who can challenge our assumptions or perceptions is important.

If you are dealing with pride, receiving help directly confronts your ego. It is an act of humility.

If you are dealing with fear, receiving help will help strengthen your confidence. It is an act of courage, for many leaders, to ask for help.

Be careful not to get “safe” or unchallenging help. Some people only talk to friends or peers who won’t challenge them. That is no help at all.

Help should care about you – but should care more about your growth. It might be a mentor or an honest friend. It might be a coach or a counselor. It might be a group of professional peers.

3. Be a learner: If you deal with fear, learn a skill. It can be relevant to your role or what scares you. But I’ve found that growth in any area often translates into confidence and growth in another.

If you deal with pride, with a tendency to rate people on “scales”- learn something that is personally challenging. It can be helpful to put yourself in an environment where you aren’t the smartest person in the room.

Take good care,

Christian

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