3 Ways to feel better within yourself when you're feeling down

To say we’re in uncertain times is an understatement.

How long will we be living at work (I mean…working from home)? How long will kids be home schooled? How long will I have a job for??How long can I handle life like this?

No one knows what’s ahead with COVID. In fact, Melburnians mark their 200th day in lockdown today.

We’ve only got hope and I’m not feeling that that hopeful right now someone said yesterday.

Are you feeling worn out, worn down and as a consequence, letting things get to you more than they should?

Uncertainty makes us self-protect; we’re not designed to have a thought and not react to it in some way – it’s instinctual.

On average we have 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day. Of those thousands of thoughts, 80% are negative and 95% are the same repetitive thoughts as the day before1. Our thinking habits keep us safe, that is, to be prepared for the worst, just in case.

Uncertainty puts us in a heightened state of alert where our thoughts and feelings can seem even more negative or pronounced than normal.

Liz was feeling angry and excluded. I woke up at 3am and couldn’t stop ruminating about it all, she told me this morning. Her direct reports had made a weighty decision without her knowledge. She assumed her boss had given the green light without involving Liz.?Chatting with Liz, I could see she’d pieced together her version of what had happened like it was ‘the truth’. She had lots of reasons to support her view.?What she wasn’t seeing were her assumptions, biases about her boss, and other perspectives that would’ve challenged her version of the truth.

The downside of uncertainty is spending too much time in our head which can lead to over-thinking, over-analysing, and worrying.

We all have an inbuilt negativity bias. We tend to focus on what’s wrong or make assumptions about what could go wrong.

Acknowledging this bias is important. We all have stuff we’re dealing with.?Being self-aware enough to listen to and recognise the patterns in our internal dialogue is important. Why? Being kind to others is much easier when we learn to be kind to ourselves.

Here are 3 ways to be kinder to yourself through your internal dialogue, so you can keep on going through tough times:

1. Acknowledge yourself

Your positive contribution is greater than you realise.

Take a moment at the end of your day to acknowledge yourself for something, however hard that might be for you. Think about the things you’ve given attention and effort to. It might be as simple as giving someone the space to talk in a meeting, connecting with others through humour, or prioritising calling someone over sending an email.

2. Be aware of your self-talk

You are not your thoughts.

Under stress, we get stuck in our heads and become sensitive and self-critical. Being aware of your self-talk gives you the opportunity to 1) notice having a self-thought (which is just a string of words) 2) accept you’ve had the thought 3) decide if your thought is constructive and if not, quieten your voice down and shift your focus, that is, ask yourself: what could I focus on right now that would serve me better? ??

Your thoughts don’t define you. How your internalise your self-judgement will if you allow it.

Remember you’re doing your best within the tricky circumstances you’re navigating – you can’t expect any more of yourself than that. You are not perfect and you are good enough.

3. Acknowledge your feelings

It’s okay to feel however you’re feeling

Believing you have to be positive all the time is rubbish. We all have sh*t days. ?Accepting your feelings without judgement gives you a choice; to keep on feeling as you do or change how you feel. If you change your thinking, you’ll change how you feel. Your mindset is a daily choice. Be conscious of what you give your emotional energy too.

Being optimistic means knowing things will get better, eventually.

Bringing it all together

It’s takes communities, families, friends, and teams to help each other get through tricky times. Listen to yourself and acknowledge what you need. ?Reaching out to others to talk vulnerably about how things are for you isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of strength. ?Being self-aware means being mindful of your inner dialogue in a way that serves you. Most of what we worry about won’t pan out (about 85% of the time according to research).

Your emotional wellbeing drives what you can give to others. How are you going to be kinder to yourself in a way that makes it easier for you to keep on going? I’d love to know.

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Toni Courtney is a leadership influence expert who works with leaders and teams to build core leadership capability. Email her at [email protected] to see how she can assist.