3 Ways for Busy Physicians to Connect with Their Kids

This weekend, my husband suffered a concussion and broke (not fractured) his scapula.  

We went to the ER and received excellent care.

In terms of our docs bedside manor, I’d give him a 1/10.

He looked like a skeleton.

But then I realized what he might be dealing with.  

He might have known someone who’s died from COVID-19.

He might have felt exhausted, donning and doffing PPE all day.

He might have been concerned about his family’s safety.

Given those possibilities, I realized I’d give his bedside manor an 8/10. 

I’ve been working with physicians who have children at home, and they’re feeling guilty about not spending enough time with them.  

It can be hard to connect with your kids in the midst of the complexity and chaos that is going on.

Do a puzzle? Tried that.

Go for a walk? Did that.

If you’re trying to think up new ways to connect with your kids in a meaningful way...

Here’s an idea: Ask them.

How do you do that?

In this article I’ll show you how to use open-ended questions with your kids, so you can connect with them in a way that works for both of you (especially your schedule). Specifically, I’ll show you how to:

• Avoid Yes/No questions
• Invite them into a moment
• Ask them to plan your time together (yes, really)
• Offer a family date night (ours was a food fight)

Here’s how...

I’ve found that the longer people are effective leaders in their organizations, the more they appreciate that what works in the workplace can also work in personal life. That is, good leadership can translate into good parenting. Oh, and vice-versa. Especially when it comes to communication.

Those of us who have been both leaders and parents for a while have figured out that one sure way to allow a colleague or a child to opt out of a conversation is to give them a closed-ended question—one they can answer with a simple “yes” or “no.” One word answer, conversation over.

Using open-ended questions is a good example of a communication tool that translates across the personal and professional parts of our lives. Brief, open-ended questions don’t allow shortcuts, but they do allow people to explore details and think awhile. The result is often the beginning of a journey to things we didn’t expect. Purposefully asking open-ended questions and keeping them brief also keeps you—the questioner—from interjecting your own thoughts and biases before starting to engage the listener. Kids like this. Ask them.

Open-ended questions do not stand alone as a tool - the delivery is critical. 

First, you need to be present or this will not work. Put down your phone. Make eye contact. Be curious. It might sound silly but try physically facing your heart to their heart. Remember that the purpose of this conversation is not to fix anything about your children, or to force anything, just to connect.

The next part is inviting them to be present. You might lead in by saying that we should put down our phones and talk for a minute. Role model the concept of being available. Interrupt whatever is going on to create a vibe of doing something together.

That’s the Being part. Then comes the Doing part, which involves asking those open-ended questions. Here’s three ways to do that.

Keep your questions to seven words or less and begin them with the words. “what” or “how.” 

This is not about asking compound questions or explaining what you’re about to ask before you ask it. These are some examples:

• “What five words best describe you today?” Sit back and see what they come up with. We ask that question on our evening family call and by the time we go around the family it takes a half hour. It’s thought provoking, and sometimes it’s funny to hear the combinations we come up with.
• “What is something you can teach me?” This could either be a conversation starter or it could lead to doing something, or it could just end up being funny.
• “What is the best thing that has ever happened to you?” Give your kids space to not know the answer or to make one up. Again, it’s a way to connect.
• “If you could give me one piece of advice, what would you say?” It could be any advice—about health, about being a better parent, having dessert for breakfast, whatever.

This is how it works: 

The open-ended question here is, “What should we do for 30 minutes?” 

Tell them you’ll do anything they want for 30 minutes.

Ask them to use their imagination. It can be inside or outside, but keep it simple. 

Two options for this one:

Option 1: Tell them they have 30 minutes to make a plan, and then you’ll follow the plan.  This also gives you downtime, while having your child feel like they are still fully engaged with you. If they interrupt, the 30 minutes starts over again. You can leave the room, go work out, meditate, or connect for 30 minutes with your significant other.

Option 2: Tell them to make a plan while you’re at work. On a recent coaching call, a physician told me that he had tried this with his daughter, “When I walk in the door tonight I will do anything you want for 30 minutes.” The result was that his wife said his children had spent half the day gathering supplies, and when he walked in the door, they wanted them all to build a fort. So they did. Later that night at dinner his wife told him, “I’m so glad you’re doing this because they’re spending time during the day trying to think of the craziest thing they can make you do.” And they were loving it, with the added benefit of giving their busy Mom much needed time to do things she needed to get done in her own work and life during that day.

25 years ago, while I was slowly carving a career path with my coaching skills, I practiced asking my boys brief, open-ended questions. 

One night I asked my son, “What would be a good family date night?” He didn’t miss a beat, saying, “I think we should have a food fight for dinner in the backyard.” I followed on by asking him how it would work. “We walk to the store and find the spaghetti, we come home and cook it, and then we go to the back yard and throw it at each other,” he said. “Whoever catches it eats it. Then the rest of it just gets mowed up the next time you make me mow the lawn.”

To start this tradition off you might get your children together with a special meal and say something like, “For the next six months I would like to have one date with each of you once a month.” Then set some parameters, such as the invitation is for four hours, with a budget of $40. Build it out to say that the only limitations are your imagination (except for health precautions like wearing masks and social distancing).

The open-ended question is “What would your ideal family date night be?” -- and then do it once a month. It doesn’t have to be a meal—it could be about animals, or it could be a science experiment. Put it on the calendar and continually engage the child leading up to the date night, asking for their thoughts and ideas. Remember the Being and Doing parts :)

While this date night option is less frequent than our first two methods, you can see there are many opportunities for engagement in advance and even afterward. Take pictures at the event, and perhaps they can start building a collage of their favorite pictures from their date nights. Make sure you build the muscle for your child to be the creative one. 

Ensure you stay in your own swim lane, rather than getting in on the details of the planning. Just keep asking questions.

• “What have we never done together?”
• “What would be a little crazy?”

I’ve talked with physicians who were pleasantly surprised with some of the ideas their kids came up with for date nights. One medical director I talked with went out on a date night with her elementary school daughter, which consisted of shopping and getting ice cream, and her daughter kept saying over and over, “This is the best day of my whole life.” This was a physician who had been feeling very disconnected from her kids before.

Back in July I was talking with a physician—a single mom who has daughters and her mother living with her at home.

She wanted to try open-ended questions at home before trying them in the workplace.

At the time, the girls told her that her grandma was having trouble remembering how to dress herself. Her first thought was to teach grandma to get dressed. She told me that instead of just fixing it, she used open-ended questions with her daughters along the lines of “How would you help grandma get dressed?” and just backed away and let them have at it.

She said she wishes she had videotaped it.

First, they did it all wrong, and her mom, who had not laughed in a year, was laughing out loud at their shenanigans. In the end, they finally got her dressed correctly, and they all had fun. She said what mattered in the end is that she asked a few questions with an open heart, she believed in them, she lovingly listened to them, and then she just got out of the way.

She delighted in empowering her children.

Parents can underestimate how rejuvenating and engaging it can be to tap into and encourage the creativity of their children in these ways. It’s true in both leadership and families that we can get into certain habits, such as telling people what to do or trying to fix things and simply get things done.

If we can learn to hit our pause button and realize the power of a good question, we might be surprised how imaginative, creative and resourceful others are, and how rejuvenating and refreshing it is to get back to center in being a great parent and a great leader.