3 ways to build a healthier relationship with your emotions!

How are those resolutions of yours going?

Failed any of them yet?

Well, if like me you’ve already managed to fall short on some of the things you’ve set out to do this year.

Then you are in good company. With it believed that around 80% of people will have failed to stick to the goals they set themselves by the time they've reached February.

Now, hopefully, those things you’ve set yourself didn’t mean that much to you so you let go of them without any fuss.

But what about those things that carried some larger significance, the things that were going to really change your life?

How does it make you feel knowing that they haven’t gone as planned?

Angry, frustrated, despondent?

Or have you, like what many of us do, ignored how you feel, tried to brush it under the carpet, and convinced yourself that you are ok?

Well, you are hardly to blame.

When it comes to acknowledging our feelings and emotions. Society hasn’t exactly been our greatest supporter.

Women over the years have been convinced that doing so means they are too emotional.

Whilst men have been convinced that sharing emotions makes them weak.

Add to that trends such as Positive Vibes only and wacky ideas such as your thoughts manifest things.

Then it’s hardly surprising that many of us have reservations about acknowledging, sitting with, and sharing our more unpleasant feelings and emotions.

Now, of course, pretending that you are ok may have you convincing others that you have your shit in order.

And of course, if you are on the battlefield getting bullets fired at your arse then pausing for a moment to check in with your emotions will probably lead to that being the last thing you feel.

But ignoring and suppressing your emotions over time does come at a cost.

With research suggesting that doing so is associated with higher rates of heart disease, autoimmune disorders, IBS, ulcers and gastrointestinal disorders. Not to mention the negative effects this can have on your relationships and your overall mental health.

So here's 3 things you can do, to improve your relationship with your emotions, whilst better protecting your overall wellbeing.

It’s ok to NOT feel ok.

Ugh, I hear you say.

Yes, I also nearly threw up in my mouth. But there is a lot of truth to this saying, so hear me out.

Some emotions and the stories we tell ourselves about our emotions can cause us to feel terrible. So it’s no wonder that many of us will do anything to avoid experiencing them.

But when you fail at something that matters to you, whether it's getting dumped by a partner, or passed up for that career opportunity you were desperately after.

Trying to bury the emotions you are experiencing and pretending you are OK…Is just plain weird.

Us humans are meant to care about stuff. So when the stuff we care about doesn’t work out, why would you lie to yourself about how it feels?

The truth about emotions in their purest form is that they are neither good nor bad.

They are unconscious responses to the things we experience on a day-to-day basis. That generally pass quite quickly when we allow ourselves to experience them without judgment.

So rather than bottling them up and pretending you are ok.

See if you can start to allow yourself to not feel ok. I promise you it won’t last forever.

Name it to tame it.

Emotions are much more than just being happy or sad. There are a wide range of emotions that one can experience and learning how to spot and articulate the emotions you are feeling. Has been shown to help you regulate how you feel and improve your emotional intelligence. Both of which can better guide you through your challenging experiences and find out what you need in those moments.

And a great exercise to help with that is - Name it to tame it.

All you have to do, at a frequency that works for you. (I recommend at least a couple of times a day personally). Is to stop, and identify as accurately as you can what it is you are experiencing.

Having a picture of an emotions wheel or feelings wheel as a screensaver to help with this such as the one I found on google below, is a great way to help build this habit and make this process easier for you.

Better out than in.

It turns out that this phrase isn’t exclusive to holding farts in or not.

Now, this isn’t me advocating that in a fit of rage, you let out your emotions by going on a killing spree around your local Aldi. We all need to learn to take responsibility for how we express our emotions, especially when we take them out on those we care about.

What I am endorsing though is that you find a healthy outlet to enable you to safely express your emotions and maybe even offer some temporary distraction for those that feel far too overwhelming.

Ideally, this would be in the company of someone you trust and feel psychologically safe with. These people do exist regardless of what terrible experiences we have had.

After my Mum was murdered, whenever I expressed how I was feeling I would often be met with ‘Get over it son, be grateful for what you do have’, so I know how scary opening up to others can be. But it’s really important that you don’t allow those previous unhelpful experiences to cause you to give up on finding that person or people.

In the interim though, great ways to share your emotions can be using tools such as writing, and journaling what you are feeling. Or maybe like me, you can record little voice notes and delete them straight after.?(I accidentally came across that and it worked a treat)

Ultimately it’s about having a play around, committing to a practice, and finding what works for you.

But more importantly, if this stuff doesn’t work.

Don’t beat yourself up.

Reach out to those who can support you and get you the help you need.

I promise you, regardless of what you may think about yourself, you are worth it!