3. Two Powerful Applications
The previous two posts covered communication guidelines and communication causes, two simple ways to dissolve bullying! The introduction gave the definition of bullying relative to the four thought processes.
Let’s use the previous three posts to demonstrate two powerful applications.
Notice, when we apply the communication guidelines and communication causes to the sentences people use, we can tell which thought process they are in!
Dysregulation: Bad or Worst causes
Regulation: Good or Not Bad causes in opposition to the communication guidelines
Self-Regulation: Good or Not Bad causes according to the communication guidelines
I believe it’s easy to see how Bad or Worst causes, regardless of whether it is in a sentence or not, is bullying. While “Are you an idiot?” is a question, it is making a judgment (Bad cause). This could lead to a destructive interaction.
Likewise, we can see how using Good or Not Bad causes according to the communication guidelines are the opposite of bullying because they give up control. “How was your day?” and “I had a good day” actually strengthens relationships.?
The issue is the regulation response. Remember, regulation is when the person is distracted and following automatic behavior. Self-regulation is when the person is focused (one thought) and in control of their behavior. The goal of bullying is to get the person to go from self-regulation to regulation so they can be triggered into dysregulation.
For example, “You have freckles” is regulation. It is a Good cause because it is a statement of fact, however, it is done in opposition to the communication guidelines (Statement on another).
People may think it’s okay to state this, however, notice that it causes the person this is stated towards to now have more than one thought (Is it wrong to have freckles? Why did he say that?, etc.) and THAT brings the person to regulation, which sets them up to be bullied to dysregulation. So, it turns out that this is bullying behavior! We said 94% of people are in regulation and now we know why! It’s because we talk to each other in regulation and think there’s nothing wrong with it! Talk about hypocrisy!
Ideally, the person would have said, “I see you have freckles”. THAT would keep the other person at one thought, but 94% of people aren’t humble enough to make a statement on themselves.
We ended the previous post explaining how knowing the communication causes helps a child to defend their own thought process against bullying behavior. When someone says, “Are you an idiot?”, rather than go from regulation to dysregulation, the child categorizes the cause as Worst. THAT ability to categorize requires the child to be at self-regulation! The child can’t be triggered if they remain in self-regulation! Let’s look at the other powerful application.
The communication causes are the ultimate conflict resolution method. A husband and wife are in the kitchen arguing over the garbage when their teenager walks in. Normally, the teenager either walks out or yells at their parents to stop arguing. This means each spouse now has a negative emotion in their brain associated with the word “garbage” and they will avoid using that word with each other from now on.
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If they have 4 fights a year, then after 10 years, they will have 40 topics they have to avoid discussing. It isn’t long before one of the spouses meets someone who they think is their soul mate because they can talk about everything with them and the couple is divorced.
Instead, the teenager says, “How did this start? Who was in the kitchen first?” Once they learn it was their mom, they tell their dad to walk into the room and start the interaction over with the teenager guiding them.
The dad walks into the kitchen and says, “Didn’t you say you were going to take out the garbage?” The teenager says, “Okay, a Not Bad cause. Mom, your turn.”
The mom says, “Yes, I did.” The teenager says, “A Good cause. Dad?”
The dad says, “You…” and the teenager stops him and says, “Dad, say whatever you want to say as long as it is a question for mom or a statement on yourself.”
The dad takes a moment to think. We don’t know if the dad was going to state something at dysregulation or regulation, but the teenager has guided them towards saying something at self-regulation and the dad is taking a moment to physiologically change his neural network to self-regulation!
The dad says, “Why didn’t you take care of the garbage?” The mom responds, “I was on the phone with your aunt. Your uncle died.”
Now the mom and dad are crying and hugging AND the memory of this interaction is replacing the memory of the fight they had.
I have used the same technique when meeting with married couples. One of the spouses makes several bullying statements while they share with me in front of the other spouse. I record the statements and then ask them to restate each either as a question on their spouse or a statement on themselves. By the time they reach the end of the list, the couples are holding hands.
Do you REALLY want to dissolve bullying or do you want to appear like you are against bullying?
The proof is how you communicate to others.
Next week, we will begin looking at the mind and brain in order to lay a foundation for the more powerful anti-bullying techniques!
Next Chapter: How Your Mind and Brain REALLY Work
Illuminated lives & amplified voices since 1983. International authority on health, social work, AI Ethics, healing. Spiritual advisor, monk, author, artist. Dog whisperer, grandpa. On stage with Bobby McFerrin x 2.
2 年I was in a meeting with a divorced couple in the child welfare office where I worked. Topic: the various issues their child had. He had quite a reputation. Powerful and rich, he used attorneys whenever things didn't work out the way he wanted. He bullied his ex. He bullied my colleague. Dysregulation constantly. He used my colleague's beauty in a bullying manner - "how does a cute girl like you manage in a tough job like this?". I observed for a while. Then, fully knowing that the next meeting might be with his (high-priced) lawyer, I hit my hand to the table. "You don't talk this way to my colleague! You don't talk this way to your ex! You got that?". Pointing my finger straight to his face. I do believe that my eyes were quite fiery. We took a break, and ended the meeting after setting up a new one. Next day, my boss called me into his office. "Regarding this XXXXXX ..." "Yeah? His lawyer called?" was my response. "Nah. He wants you to be the case worker in charge."
Crazy Old, Dragon Flying Octopus - a Nobody, building a STEAM-Ship to the Stars: "All Aboard!'
2 年Flowcess? John Lenhart, "when we apply the communication guidelines and communication causes to the sentences people use, we can tell which thought process they are in". Powerful tools indeed to examine and gain understanding of how the words we use reveal our emotions and thought processes (conscious and unconscious)