3 Tips to Stop Tolerating and Start Taking Action

The need for adaptability and action shows up every day, even in the most routine parts of daily life.

For me, it started with my front door not closing properly. Just a bit of chafing where the door met the frame. A little more force needed to close it. But no big deal, right?

A few months later, the door requires lifting to close properly. The top hinge was pulling away from the frame, so I tiptoed through hoping to delay deterioration. I pass on my door-closing tricks to my son to avoid disturbing our neighbor below. I start to catastrophize needing to purchase a new door. “What’s the best kind of door? Who can install it for me?” And so on.

I share this somewhat embarrassing story of inaction and delusion to share a tangible example of what happens when you don’t adapt to changing circumstances and needs. It shines a light on a phenomenon I call, “The Toleration Cycle.” I know I am NOT the only person on the planet to fall into this spiral of settling for less than what you want, deserve or need.

There’s awkwardly laughing or cringing in silence at inappropriate comments instead of speaking up to advocate for inclusivity at work because you don’t like conflict.

There’s avoiding talking to your teenager about not filling up the car after they use it to avoid opening up a can of hormone-laden worms.

There’s putting up with co-workers who are persistently late for scheduled meetings or agreed-upon deadlines, leaving you frustrated and resentful.

What I have found is that there is a typical cycle of how toleration spirals out of control, escalating from a minor irritation into a huge burden. Here’s the sequence, consider how it applies to your own experience with toleration.

Phase 1 – Notice: I noticed my front door wasn’t closing properly.

Phase 2 – Feel: I felt annoyed and slightly concerned. I told myself the wood was swelling because of the weather. It wasn’t broken so I didn’t really need to fix it. This phase is all about just getting through it as you deny, comply, and sigh.

Phase 3 – Rationalize: In this phase, my inner dialogue and focus got busy with making up a lot of stories. “I’m too busy to fix this now.” “I don’t have the time to find a handyman.” “Wait, are there door dudes out there I need to locate?” The end result is a decision to deal with this…later.

Phase 4 – Accommodate: Instead of finding a solution, I focused on finding a work around. If I lift the door in this particular way, it works better. If I use slightly less force, I can close it. In a work setting, the focus shifts to doing the workaround, instead of being able to do the work.

Phase 5 – Perform: Continuously tolerating these issues drains your focus, energy, and creativity. I wasted brain power and willpower into anticipating how I was going to need to open and close the broken door instead of directing it to what really mattered – like my piece of mind, my writing, my clients, my sense of enjoyment in my own home. Only after fixing it did I realize the weight it had lifted, feeling happy and liberated from the excuses and accommodations I had allowed to build up.

Persisting through this cycle leaves you feeling wrung-out. I broke free from this self-made trap when I noticed the increasing gap in the door hinge, realizing change wouldn't happen unless I acted. Here are 3 tips that helped me break free from toleration, and that I hope will be useful to you as well!

Tip 1 – Value Your Time and Attention

After caring for and losing both parents, and a few friends to illness, in recent years, I realize life is finite. It’s time to raise the bar on what gets my time and attention. Putting up with issues, people, or situations that drain your life force isn’t doing you, nor anyone else, any favours.

Tip 2 – Vote for Yourself

I enjoyed James Clear’s “Atomic Habits,” especially the concept that effective habit change is to develop identity-based habits, rather than outcome-based goals. As Clear says, “Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become.“ These votes build up through repeatedly making that choice. Muttering about my door daily didn’t fit with my identity as a leader and change agent.

Tip 3 – Know What You Can Control and What You Can’t

Keep it small and bite-sized. I didn’t need to fix the door myself, I just had to use Google and make a few calls. You can't guarantee the late colleague will show up on time, but if you don’t make the request nothing will be different. You only have control of you, and by taking one clear action you can disentangle yourself from the Toleration Cycle in short order. Start with what you can start with, and go from there.

What are you tolerating these days? What’s an action you can take to shift out of the Toleration Cycle?

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