3 Things Your Partner Should Never Say to You
Dr. Judy Ho
Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist | Tenured Professor | TV & Podcast Host | Published Author
The words we choose have a profound impact on our partner’s feelings and well-being and on our overall relationship satisfaction.?
When we communicate with care and thoughtfulness, we strengthen our relationship, and our partners likely feel supported, cherished, and loved.?
Unfortunately, however, when we’ve had a challenging day, are mentally or emotionally taxed, or are in an argument, our significant other is likely going to get the brunt of our frustration and wrath in the moment.?
Still, there are things your partner should never say to you—or that you should never say to them.
I’ve seen firsthand how certain phrases and communication styles can erode trust and intimacy between partners.
Sometimes we say things we don’t mean, and other times, we don’t even realize that we’ve committed a relationship communication blunder that can cause significant harm and diminish relationship trust.?
In this email, I want to focus on three types of communication to avoid in order to keep your relationships healthy and thriving.
1. Comparisons
Using comparisons and insinuating that someone else is better than your partner at something doesn’t work to motivate them to more positive behaviors. Neither does making negative comparisons to a family member. Creating comparisons like these can create tension and resentment. This style of communication creates defensiveness. It communicates to your partner that you think they’re lacking in some way, fueling feelings of competition, undermining their self-esteem, and creating feelings of inadequacy. Don’t weaponize what you know about their family or their insecurities. Recognize that sometimes these comparisons are quite triggering to people, as there can be some unresolved pains and wounds from earlier experiences. The next time you’re tempted to say something like “____ is much more ____ than you are” or “when you do that you’re just like your mother,” consider what behavior you’d like to see from your partner, take ownership for the fact that it is your preference (and possibly not theirs) and ask for it directly. Here’s an example: “I’d really like if you did [insert specific behavior].”
2. Minimizing and Dismissing
It’s understandable that in the heat of the argument you might say something like “you’re overreacting" or “I don’t want to talk to you about this” but both insinuate that your partner’s thoughts and feelings don’t matter. It signals that you don’t have any interest in engaging them. Dismissing their emotions or feelings as invalid can be hurtful. In my experience, I’ve seen phrases like these erode trust between partners. It can make them feel misunderstood, dismissed or even gaslighted. Remember, even if your perception is different, your partner’s view of what happened is their own. Everyone has different interpretations of situations and events. Something may be sensitive for them as well, and it’s important for partners to respect each other’s sensitivities rather than attacking them.
If you find yourself saying phrases like these often, it’s likely that you’ve taken a defensive stance because you had a different reaction and don’t agree with what your partner thinks or feels. Even if that’s the case, you can still validate their feelings and offer support and understanding without implying that you see things the exact same way. Try the following: “Although I don’t see it the exact same way, I can understand why you’d feel the way you do.” In my work with patients, I’ve seen this phrase lead to the partner feeling unimportant or dismissed. Instead, try taking a break from the conversation and agree upon a time that you’ll come back to talk again.
3. Expecting Your Partner to Read Your Mind
Expecting your partner to read your mind can lead to misunderstandings and frustration. Instead, communicate your thoughts and feelings openly and honestly and don’t expect them to know what you’re thinking. If you have a specific need, communicate it directly so your partner knows how to step in and do something that will affirm and support you. Even if it makes you feel anxious to share your feelings with your partner, practice mindfully tuning in to your emotions and using a feeling-oriented statement such as, “I feel hurt when you don’t put down your cell phone and really listen to me.”
Here’s to healthy relationships!
Dr. Judy
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About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage.?An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.