3 Things You Should Never Do in a Mentorship

Mentors are a valuable and timeless asset to anyone looking to grow. Whether you are seeking to obtain career insights, educational goals, or access to other people, mentors can help make your life easier by sharing their successes, mistakes, and failures.

Most people who engage in mentoring do it for the benefit of others. Someone poured knowledge into them and they are “pouring” it forward. In many ways, mentoring is not a glorified role where the person receives the recognition they deserve. Nevertheless, mentors will tell you that they get fulfillment from sharing their failures and successes so someone else can avoid the same mistakes. This is the hallmark of a great teacher and why career mentoring is a very valuable tool for learning.

If you've never had a mentor, you should have FOMO (fear of missing out) because you definitely are! Mentors share their game codes to help you get to the next level. And who does not want to power up on their current path?

My Big Blunder

I remember seeking out my first mentor and made one of the biggest mistakes ever! She was an executive in broadcast operations (I was a supervisor at TBS at the time). I emailed her, received an invite to meet, and showed up not knowing what I wanted — the audacity! She looked at me sternly and said, “well if you don’t know what you want, what can I do?”. I felt so ashamed that I took time out of her day to say, “I dunno”…smh. From that day forward I vowed I would never be in that situation again. She was nice and told me I could come back once I figured it out.

Since that big blunder early in my career, over the years I’ve had many amazing mentors (and still do!). Now I leverage career mentorship to pour into others and pay it forward: I have mentored colleagues, students, friends, and strangers who later became friends. I’ve led mentoring programs, held a lead role for mentoring in a nonprofit organization, and won mentoring awards. So, it’s safe to say I have seen and heard some interesting things when it comes to mentoring. I gave you my brief resume in mentoring to say this: Over the years I’ve learned that there are three things you should never do in a mentoring relationship.

3 Things You Should Never Do in a Mentoring Relationship

1. Not valuing the mentor’s time. Failing to show up or not being prepared for the meeting are all signals that either: a) you have not prioritized yourself to do the work required, b) you don’t appreciate your mentor’s time, c) you are not ready for a mentor in the first place, or d) all of thee above.

2. Not following through on what you said you would do. Mentors expect that you will put the information they give you to use. If you are not applying the lessons and failing to move beyond the issues that you brought to the mentorship, you are wasting your mentor’s time.

3. Not respecting the confidentiality of the relationship. Mentors share their experiences, opinions, and secrets to help you succeed and thrive in your career. There should be a bond of mutual trust and respect that makes for a healthy relationship. When you share personal details that were meant for your ears only, you misuse the trust and send a message that you are not ready for the gems you are being given.

You are probably saying to yourself that you would never do these things, and maybe not. But what other things could be stumbling blocks in your mentorship process? Aha! I have something that you can use to brainstorm and plan.

Mentee Contract for Success

Whether you’ve had a mentor or not, the best approach to any successful mentoring relationship is to first create a contract with yourself. Pondering what could be potential blockers for you to get the most value from the experience is a wise choice.

PRO TIP: One major thing you need to do from the start is take ownership for your career.

Check out “The Beginner’s Guide: Taking Ownership of Your Career” for more insights.

The areas below are foundational for both the mentee and mentor for a successful relationship, however you may add more items based on your situation.

• PREPARATION: What is the main reason why one does not achieve their goals? Yep, you guessed it, not being prepared.

Make it clear that you will come ready to discuss your concerns, goals, plans, and accomplishments. Remember the question, “What do you want?” This is always the first question any mentor will ask.

• COMMITMENT: Can you devote the time and energy to the work required? If you agree to complete a task, ensure that you get it done before you meet again.

Mentors love when their mentees make progress. By prioritizing the assignment, you demonstrate your commitment to your goal and the success of the relationship.

• CONFIDENTIALITY: How are you at protecting secrets? There are mentors who will share personal experiences for the sake of your learning.

If your mentor does not explicitly tell you something is confidential, ask what is appropriate to share. This simple question will let them know you value the information and care about their privacy.

• RESPONSIBILITY: Ready for a reality check? When you enter into a mentorship, you learn that things get real quickly. Taking responsibility for the decisions and outcomes in one’s career is a mindset shift that everyone must own.

What areas do you need to address to take ownership of your career? Is this something the mentor can help you define? Even with the feedback your mentor provides, you decide what you will act on and what you won’t. This is YOUR career, period.

• EVALUATION: Ever heard of the saying “What does not get measured, does not get done”? The purpose for any mentorship is to make progress.

How will you know you are making progress? When do you end the formal mentoring phase? What are your indicators for success? These questions are imperative to answer so that you have an approach to assess progress for your goals, the actions you take, and when the mentorship has come to an end.

The duration of a mentorship varies depending on individual needs and goals. It’s appropriate to conclude the formal phase when you’ve achieved your initial objectives, feel confident in your ability to move forward independently, and have a plan for continued growth. However, maintaining an informal connection and seeking occasional advice from your mentor can still be beneficial.

Imagine what you can accomplish with a mentor or mentors (yes you can have more than one). Last month, my team piloted a micro-mentoring program for employees because we all need time to stop and learn ways we can level up in our careers.

Learning Resources:

Read this article to create your own strategy for standing out in a crowded applicant pool: How To Show You Have the Skills Hiring Managers Want (LinkedIn)

Check out this Deep Dive Podcast where I used Google's NotebookLM to provide more context for this article: 3 Things You Should Never Do in a Mentoring Relationship (SoundCloud)

If you like my content, please help me build my subscribers by sharing this article with your colleagues and friends. Until next time, whatever you do, keep learning!

~Stacey

Stacey Young Rivers, Ph.D. is a talent development leader with expertise in developing strategies to close skills gaps, build talent pipelines, and create internal career mobility models. Dr. Rivers is also a mom, author, and researcher.