3 Things I learned form the all time classic "How to Win Friends & Influence People"

As probably many of us I made some new years resolutions for 2021. One of them was to improve my stakeholder management and my relations with people. And what better way to start as to read one of the classics on human relations Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People". Here are 3 things I have learned from the book you can implement today to improve your relations.

1. Appreciation and Praise

"You'll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar" is an old proverb. What B.F. Skinner learned with rats, Dale Carnegie learned for people: they can be trained much better with reward than with punishment. The book puts emphasis on this and in my opinion righteously. Honest and sincere appreciation for things someone is doing good will transform your relationships. People like being praised for what they are doing good. But we usually only punish what we don't want to see instead of rewarding what we want to see in people. Praise, attention and appreciation is a very powerful motivator, use them to your advantage. A friend of mine told me that the title "How to Win Friends & Influence People" sounds "a bit Machiavellian". But the point of the book is not to "get what you want" from people it is about building lasting relationships that bring a win-win to both parties. The book is very clear about developing an eager desire to master human relations and to become genuinely interested in people.

So if someone is really doing a fantastic job or if there is something really admirable about someone: tell them! And make no mistake about flattery. People will recognize if your dishonest and that will do the opposite of what you want.

2. Listening

Listening is a lost art in this day and age. We think we have all the answers and everyone else is wrong. I am no exception to that. Sadly. One point the book brings across with utmost emphasis is the need to honestly consider the others perspective. We should start to steelman our opponents arguments instead of strawmaning them. We should listen with the intend to understand not with the intend to answer, to oppose, to demolish, not in order to be right but in order to learn. Here "How to Win Friends & Influence People" falls in line with two other great books I can warmly recommend. "Frist try to understand, then to be understood" is one of the "7 Habits of highly effective people" from Stephen R. Covey. The other is one of the "12 Rules for Life" from Jordan B. Peterson: "Listen as if the other knows something you don't". All three authors brilliantly but the fact that people should listen in order to learn. Only if you learn about other people and their interests, goals and desires you will really start to get headway in your relations. "Your wrong!" should be eliminated completely from our vocabulary. I will from now on use "Well look, I thought otherwise. But I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I'm wrong, I want to be put right. Let's examine the facts." Which brings me to the next point.

3. Be diplomatic

I am fond of saying things like they are. I am bold in my statements and rather proud of my self confidence. But one thing I really can learn from the book is to be diplomatic about criticism. People, myself very much included, hate to be criticized and you will arouse resistance and even hatred if you criticize too boldly. Remember that your goal is to have a functioning relationship with people. Let people save their face and lead them through your thought process in order to let them arrive at your conclusion. Very often people know perfectly right they f***ed up. They know, you know and they know you know. There is no need to say it. Let them correct their mistake and make it seem easy to correct. You can even mention your past mistakes, in order to make them feel better and to remind you that you are not perfect either. As a disagreeable person like me you might be tempted to tell them, yell at them and to let of your anger and your steam. But think about the long therm. What can a person do if you tell them "You are stupid! You have been stupid all along and you will always be stupid!"? Yell back, hit you or shut up in resentment. Probably none of those will do your relationship any good.

Some diplomatic criticism

All in all I enjoyed the book very much and it was very much worth reading. I think every book is worth reading as long as you learn at least one thing from it. I took home three learnings therefore the book was great. Don't get me wrong I don't think everything in the book is right. Somethings are even dangerous for people inclined to be agreeable. The principle "The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it" can lead to people not voicing their opinion. I think relationships without arguments are not real relationships. You will need to negotiate on multiple occasions for your interests and there is nothing wrong with standing your ground. I would rather say: "Argue towards peace" and "pick your battles". Sometimes a argument is unavoidable, but your goal should be peace. So the goal of the argument should be to make the future relationship better for all parties. On top of that: some things are not worth arguing about. There the core of that rule has really a point.

With that said, tell me if you've read the book or if you plan to read it? Other book suggestions are welcome too!