3 Strategies for Less Stress in Public Speaking

In 2019, I'm blogging about 12 of the best lessons I've learned, many of them the hard way. This is the 11th of the series.

The first time I ever gave a speech in my professional life, it was a disaster. It wasn't even a full-blown speech. All I had to do was introduce and moderate a panel at a conference. But I was so terrified, I inadvertently became the center of attention with my wavering voice and shaking hands. I was all of 22 years old and decided this was a clear sign I wasn't cut out for public speaking. Then, fortunately, I got over myself. Quite literally.

I have since come to truly enjoy public speaking - and thankfully to be better at it too - and the key has been to understand it's not about me. Not about me being nervous. Not about me putting on a show. Not about me being perfect (fat chance of that, anyway). Instead, good public speaking is never a "me." It's an "us." It's about connecting with others over ideas that matter.

I get asked for advice about giving speeches often, so as this series draws closer to its end, I wanted to share three ways to reframe public speaking to reduce the stress and increase your effectiveness. Spoiler alert, though - all of these suggestions come back to this idea of "us." The more you think about that connection, the better you will feel and do.

Frame One: Giving a speech is GIVING a speech

The most important frame for me is to know that a speech isn't a performance. It's not about what I have to say. It's about what I want to give. In preparing, I ask myself some basic questions to remind myself that giving a speech should be about GIVING the speech. How can I generously share of myself - even when it's uncomfortable? What ideas can help the people in the room? What are important stories to tell to forge connection and find a better path forward? This shifts my mental spotlight from myself to the people I'll be with in the room. Suddenly it seems silly to let my ego worry about an imperfect "performance." There's so much more at stake - like caring about the audience and making good use of its time, which is precious.

Frame Two: It's not talking at people; it's connecting with them

I often start my speeches with a story of a mistake I've made or some other evidence that I'm on an imperfect journey just like everyone else. There's something about just going there at the start and being vulnerable that helps me show up authentically and provides my best shot at emotionally connecting with an audience. It also kicks off a personal storyline that I can use as a throughline for the main point I want to make throughout the speech. The best talks I've seen are the ones that very humanly navigate the narrative arc, and that requires vulnerability as well as a well structured storyline. I know some people like to memorize their speeches. That has never worked for me, because remembering exact words distracts me from being open and passionately connecting to the big ideas to convey. But I do intimately know the story I want to tell and how I want to tell it. Which is a good thing, because confidence monitors can fail. One time, my notes pages flickered like a strobe light so I couldn't look at them. It didn't matter, because I knew the big points I wanted to make - and more importantly, how I genuinely could communicate them.

Frame Three: Align the outside and the inside

Try to match the orientation of both mind and body. It's great if I have conviction and connection as the focus of my brain but I also need to physically convey that inner intent. I always do a breathing exercise before I go on stage (four slow counts in, four counts holding, four counts out). I remind myself to keep an open posture (no folded arms), make eye contact with people before me, and to pause when needed (vs. filling the silence). It's about physically manifesting the connection I feel and thus preventing the construction of inadvertent barriers between me and others.

These frames help me, but I still get nervous before I speak - just not debilitatingly so. And after I speak, I always feel exposed, especially if I've really put my heart into emotionally connecting. Funnily enough, the more uncomfortable I feel, the better people seem to like what I've said. Putting myself out there isn't easy, but it's worth it.

I hope these frames help you, too. Because I'm quite certain you have something to give the world, and we'd all benefit from you taking the stage to share.