3 Strategies To Build Your Relationships

In every relationship, both personal and professional, there comes a time when honesty and frankness is needed to enable the relationship to grow further or to save it from deteriorating any further.

In the realm of human relationships and interaction, it's the trying times not the happy times that enable us to grow and thrive. Ultimately, we must all come to the realization that nothing is learned by being comfortable, by taking it easy, or looking for a 'way out', although everything within us would seek to make ease and comfort our goal in life. Here lies our great dilemma; what we need we don't want, and what we want is not what we need when it comes to personal development.

Only when relationships are tested do we have the opportunity to understand, accept and forgive. Whether the perceived offence or failure happened in the boardroom or the bedroom, the principles remain the same. We need to stop and honestly ask ourselves if we want to build or tear down. Our words must be chosen carefully because of their power to build or tear down. We all feel the desire to have our say or speak our mind, and we need to consider the cost because words cannot be unsaid.

There is a strategy we can all use when we've hit a wall in any relationship. It requires both parties to agree to the rules and to be honest, unemotional and flexible. I've used this simple strategy in my marriage for over 25 years. I've also used it working with teams I've led. It has helped me defuse many ticking bombs and develop a greater appreciation for one another. 

It's called 'Start, Stop & Continue'. It's a way for us to tell the other person/s one thing we'd like them to start doing or saying, one thing we'd like them to stop doing or saying, and one thing we'd like them to continue doing. One thing and only one, then it's the other person's turn. It's an exercise in respect and restraint. Each person is to actively listen to the other, even taking notes, and then repeating back what the other person has said until the speaker feels that they've been understood.

Admittedly, I've led the discussion with clients many times and it is so much better and easier to have a coach, counsellor or mediator when doing this. Assuming you and the other person can be trusted to 'keep the lid on', and follow the rules so as to build and not tear down the relationship you've built, allow 20 minutes each initially, get notebooks out, and follow the steps. Remember this can be done between husband and wife, business partners, teams and pretty much where humans are rubbing shoulders and need to get along! 

START

What do each of you want the other person to start doing? You can only pick one thing remember? You must be specific and not hurtful. Always use 'I language' and avoid casting blame. So it sounds like, "I'd like you to start {blank} because I feel {blank} when you don't". One person speaks and the other listens and writes, keeping quiet. After hearing what it is that you've been asked to start, you repeat back the request. If the speaker has been clear and specific, the listener should get it straight away. If not, the speaker can try again and clarify until the listener has understood. It's important that each party remain patient, unemotional, supportive, seeking first to understand. 

It's so much better when you ask another person to start doing something positive. That's why we start with 'start'! The listener may not like what they hear, and may resist, but you must follow the rules you've agreed to and take the request on board respectfully. You will each have your turn. Most times, what my wife has asked me to start doing has been a real encouragement, and others report the same. 

STOP 

What do each of you want the other person to stop doing? Again, one thing only. You will each get your 20 mins to voice your own start, stop and continue. It's important to be clear and concise, avoiding passing judgement, it must be a sincere request. "I'd like you to stop doing {blank} or saying {blank}". You don't have to give a reason if you feel it's too hurtful or 'close to home'. Most people qualify this by adding, "…because I feel {blank} when you do or say {blank}". Own your feelings, you're not saying it's their fault, you are taking responsibility for your own responses, and you're asking the other person to help. As a listener, because you're here to build and not to tear down, you'll take it on board. 

At this point I'd like to point out that you may or may not have a timeframe in mind for the completing of each request. We are not asking the other person to start or stop something next week. When I do this in my relationship coaching sessions, we're honestly looking at working on it this year or in the next six months. The timeframes are up to you, but be realistic to the fact that behaviours take time to develop. So avoid being demanding when doing 'start, stop & continue'. This exercise can only be successful if it's done in a spirit of acceptance, support, willingness and understanding, I can’t stress this enough. You are both asking yourselves 'how can I build this thing?', 'how can we get over this hump in the relationship'. 

CONTINUE 

What do each of you want the other person to continue doing? Here's where each person gets a real opportunity to affirm, build and encourage the other. Usually, when this is done well, each person walks away feeling positive about the whole experience. We end on positive note telling each other what we like about each other and want it to continue. Can you see why it is 'start, stop & continue'? And it’s in that order? Whenever my wife and I get to this point I'm surprised by what she tells me to continue doing. Often, it's something I thought she just took for granted or really wasn't that important. I feel affirmed, appreciated and inspired to do more, be more, for the sake of our union and what we're building together. I think this is what love is all about.

When we're able to clearly articulate why we want something to continue, it amplifies the positive effects further. It becomes a tangible goal to keep aiming at, especially when you consider you’ve been told you’re already successful! 

PLAY THE GAME 

Take turns, 20 minutes each in going through start, stop & continue. Listen then speak, take notes, email it to each other. Make it your mission statement for a season. It's a simple technique that can reap huge rewards, but requires intelligent, caring and well-adjusted adults who commit to the process and follow the rules. The number one rule is to keep on listening until the other person tells you they feel understood. We are emotional beings, so there will be many times when you will have to breathe deeply and even count to ten or one even a hundred! Breathe, and keep going. Your partnership, connection and relationship is worth it.

Claude Arganaraz is a life, business and leadership coach working one to one with clients to grow, evolve and succeed in their business and career. For learn more please visit www.claudearganaraz.com