3-steps out of perfectionism

You're already perfect in your imperfection.

Are you a perfectionist?

/p??f?k?(?)n?st/ - noun: perfectionist;

1. a person who refuses to accept any standard short of perfection.

“Perfectionism, in psychology, is a broad personality style characterized by a person's concern with striving for flawlessness and perfection and is accompanied by critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others' evaluations.”

So are you a perfectionist?

Constantly fussing over the small details, but never actually taking the action?

Demanding such high standards of yourself, that you never seem to succeed?

In truth are these even your standards or one you think you ‘should’ be achieving?

And even when you do succeed you still find reasons why it didn’t meet the grade?

And in the end, only to validate some misguided belief about yourself and helping to find another reason not to do that ‘thing’ again.

But why?

Perfectionism is born from a need to get things so right, to bridge a perceived gap that we weren’t good enough at something at some time according to someone from whom we so deeply valued their opinion. And then when we didn't get the response we were so craving, we broke a little.

Something happened, and based on the age we were when it happened, we believed that, that something was our fault or that we didn’t meet someone’s expectation.

And to constantly dodge or ease the pressure of this expectation we compensate by channeling all our energy into making that thing so right that it can never be rejected.

But… the fear of the rejection keeps us looping. Held in a pattern, one that helps us avoid the emotional disruption of enquiring into or looking at the hurt from the first instance

In the end, what it really means is we never fully step forward.

Staying stuck in a sense of guilt and shame, that compounds and encourages the repetition of overthinking and procrastination.

Continually reacting in this now in the way we did when that ‘thing’ first happened…

What is required though, is learning to trust yourself again, not the voice necessarily in your own head.

Re-sourcing yourself.

Going back to and reconnecting with you.

But how?

Observe your thoughts.

You can never truly stop thinking, but you can get present with them. Start to be the watcher, of your thoughts as they come in. And after a while of doing this, you can start to realise that your thoughts, aren’t actually you. It’s just a running narrative of your subconscious, based on all your old experiences.

The problem we have when we think too much as a perfectionist, we do 1 of 2 things;

1. We go find solutions. Another qualification, more expertise, another answer, to another question, and so on and so forth. But never taking the action.

2. Then the inaction turns to distraction. Which then rolls on for days and weeks and months and becomes habitual procrastination.

But in the end, just getting all stuck up in the headspace

Check-in with your feelings.

When you start to observe the thoughts then you can start to see what emotions and physical sensations they’re generating.

When we start to see how we label things based on the background narrative, we start to realise how our mind is playing tricks on us and trying to keep us safe and well. We can start to see that the emotions and feelings are started with an initiating thought.

As we become more aware of the avoidance thoughts; the focus on Expertise or Procrastination we can then make a different choice.

The first step though is inquiry. “What emotions are coming up for me, and where am I feeling that in my body?”

Then, whatever the emotion, go to where the physical sensations are in the body. A clenched jaw or fists, a furrowed brow, hunched shoulders. Whatever it may be, go to the place in the body and be present with it.

Remember emotions are neither good nor bad, it’s just how we focus the energy and then label things that cause certain emotions to come up, physically manifesting as blocks; both in our head and in our body.

Change the language.

From these stuck emotions and physical feelings, what language are you creating?

Are you saying; "this is difficult?"

Are you saying; "no one will like this?"

Are you saying; "it’ll never be good enough?" or even "I'm not good enough"

What story are you telling yourself or repeating?

Listen to the labels you’re applying and the questions you’re asking and observe how it creates the physical actions and tensions and the overthinking.

Then ask; is this fact or fiction?

How would I like to feel about this?

What is the small action I can take right now that would move this forward?

What are the small daily promises I can make to myself to help me feel good about creating this?

Who truly benefits from this?

This last one is really important because in truth it's not all about us, it's about what we give to others.

What we give of our fully expressed, untethered, wonderous self.

When we connect to who benefits, and how the world changes and grows as a result we'll start to find reasons to get out of our own way... and start seeing the perfection of who we are and what we do, rather than strive for something so out of reach we can never succeed and never hold our own hurt...

You're already perfect in your imperfection.

If you'd like help with perfectionism, or indeed any part of Imposter syndrome I'm running a free live training on the 30th March at 12:30 and again on the 6th April 2021 at 13:00.

Click through and get signed up...

https://www.dhirubhai.net/events/5-curesforimpostersyndrome6777188038201098240/

Nathan Simmonds Leader, Integration Coach, and Hypnotherapist helping Leaders eliminate Imposter Syndrome.

23 years of Leadership experience and 10 years of coaching and training inside FTSE 250 organisations have created a unique insight and approach to helping leaders go from strength to strength in their work and home lives.