3 Steps to Hack Behaviors Like a Pro

"NO!"

Stop me if you've heard this before.

The child has told you no.

They will not do the thing you asked them to do.

They will not move where you want them to go.

They are determined to do the thing they want which is the opposite of what you asked them.

You've begged.

Pleaded.

Bribed.

Demanded.

They just find a more creative way to say no and it almost always cost you your peace and sanity.

In the last three decades, I've worked with thousands of youth all over the world and each time this happens, it's always because of this one reason.

Unmet need(s).

This is why they call me the "F.U.N." Coach. It's not because I am just having fun, (although fun is a by-product for what I help you do however I digress for now) it's because it means I help you "Find Unmet Needs."

Until you learn how to find and meet the unmet needs, you will continue to meet 'no' and other disruptive behaviors daily.

If you want to learn my simple three step method to hacking behaviors like a pro, listen up.

Step One. Identify Basic Needs

As humans, we all have the same six basic needs however each of us prioritize two of them individually so the goal is the figure out which two is the top priority to the youth.

Here are the six basic needs:

Certainty. The need for safety, stability, security, comfort, order, predictability, control and consistency.

Uncertainty. The need for variety, surprise, challenges, excitement, difference, chaos, adventure, change, and novelty.

Love/Connection. The need for communication, unified, approval, and attachment--to feel connected with, intimate, and loved by other human beings.

Growth. The need for constant emotional, intellectual, and spiritual development.

Significance. The need to have meaning, special, pride, needed, wanted, sense of importance, and worthy of love.

Contribution. The need to give beyond ourselves, give, care, protect, and serve others.

Once you've identified the top two for the individual child, proceed to the next step.

Step Two. Understand the Triggers

"Ms. Tameka, she ran under the table and won't come out. Can you help us?"

Is what my camp counselors said as they frantically guided me to the table where a child was now hiding underneath.

I got down on my knees, looked under the table, called the child by name, looked her in the eye and said, "I don't know what happened however I cannot help you if you do not come out. You have two choices. Come out and let me help you figure things out or stay there and I must call your mom and you go home because---"

Before I could complete the sentence, she ran from under the table, grabbed my hand and said, "okay let's go outside and talk."

After we got outside, I bent down and looked her in the eye again.

"What happened my friend? Why did you run under the table? And why wouldn't you come out for the other team members?" I said very curiously.

"Ms. Tameka, my little sister is getting on my nerves. She took my toy from me and when I told the other camp counselor, they ignored me. So I ran under the table." She said very matter of factly.

"I'm sorry they ignored you my friend. Next time that happens, please tell another adult. You can never run under the table as you can hurt yourself and others very badly. Okay?" I said.

"Yes ma'am. I'm sorry. It won't happen again." She said and ran back into the room with the others.

I realized, her trigger was being ignored and that means one of her top needs was significance.

Youth who struggle with feelings of insignificance, will resort to attention seeking behaviors because unfortunately, many adults ignore children unless they scream.

This is ineffective and you are at an impasse until you apply the next step.

Step Three. Implement Reframing

"Ms. Tameka, how did you get her to come out from under the table?" My camp staff asked.

"Let's explore it together. Tell me what you saw me do." I said and waited for responses.

"Well, I saw you get on your knees and tell her to come out only once and she did but she didn't do that for us." Said one of my team members clearly frustrated.

"Why do you think it worked for me? What did I do differently than you did? Think." I said.

"You got on your knees and called her name. Then you gave her two choices. We didn't do that. But how did you know that would work Ms. Tameka?" Said the other team member timidly.

"Well, I didn't know it would work. I just knew what she needed. She needed to know someone cared enough to pay attention. So I let her know she had my full attention and that I wanted to help her. She also mentioned that she tried to tell one of you and was ignored. We must never ignore a child. That is one of our golden rules here at camp." I said.

When you learn how to identify unmet needs through the lens of disruptive behaviors, you will learn how to help the youth reframe thoughts so they produce better outcomes for everyone.

What Are Your Child's Top Driving Basic Needs: Take the assessment

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