3 Steps (and 1 Thing to Avoid) for Emotionally Intelligent Development Conversations

When I was a leader, I wanted my development conversations with my direct reports to make a real difference. I wanted each individual to feel supported and enthused by the process of learning and growing. I wanted them to leave these chats motivated to both develop their strengths and address any shortcomings.?

Sometimes my efforts struck a chord. But too often they just fell flat. In the following weeks and months my direct report simply didn’t develop much at all.

Since becoming a leadership and executive coach, I've learned a lot more about emotional intelligence. Recently I learned about how the human brain responds to development conversations. I wish I'd known about it back when I was a leader, so I thought it might be useful to share a simplified version here, for all of you who have direct reports.

So, how can leaders maximise the positive impact of their development chats with their direct reports? Well...

Neuroscience has something to say about this.

The human brain is a super sophisticated, complex beast. Some of what goes on in our brains is chemical. Some of what goes on is electromagnetic. Let’s look at what happens, neuroscientifically speaking, to our direct report's brain during a development conversation.?

The Chemical Side

When you tell your direct report about something they need to do better, their brain is flooded with the chemicals of the “fight or flight” response (aka the Sympathetic Nervous System). Once these chemicals flood in, your direct report is thinking of:?

• their current self in terms of their weaknesses;
• their future self in terms of problems, pessimism, and fear;
• their learning agenda in terms of the things they?“should do”.

Doesn’t sound like the best conditions for learning and growing, does it?

On the other hand, if you can help stimulate your direct report’s "rest and digest" response (aka the Parasympathetic Nervous System) you can help them think of:

• their current self in terms of strengths;
• their future self in terms of possibilities, optimism and hope;
• their learning agenda in terms of things that they want to do and are excited about trying.

Now that sounds a whole lot more promising!?

Here's a summary, in table form:

The Electromagnetic Side

In addition to the chemical side of things, there are two different electromagnetic networks in the brain that are relevant here:??

1. The Default Mode Network, which is what lights up on MRi scans when you’re daydreaming and your mind is wandering, and?
2. The Task Positive Network, which is what lights up on MRi scans when you’re focussed on a task.

We need both of these in life:?

• We need the Default Mode Network to be open to new ideas and people.
• We need the Task Mode Network to help us get things done. ?

But here’s the kicker:

These two networks function in direct opposition to each other.

Triggering one of these networks actively suppresses the other.?For most of us, most of the time, we can’t be both task focussed and daydreaming at the same time: We’re either in task mode or we’re in daydream mode.?It helps to keep that in mind when you're talking to your direct report about their development.

The chemical and the electromagnetic systems combined

I separated out the chemical and the electromagnetic systems in the brain to explain how they function. But in reality, of course, hormonal and electromagnetic forces work in the brain simultaneously. What does that mean for your direct report's brain during development conversations??

This table spells it out:

To translate the table into sentence form:

• Daydreaming when your “rest and digest” system has been activated, leads to optimism, and allows you to envision your best self.
• Focussing on a task when your “rest and digest” system has been activated, enables you to take action from a sense of motivation, and aspiration.

However,

• Daydreaming when your “fight or flight” system has been activated, leads to pessimism and negative rumination.
• Focussing on a task when your “fight or flight” system has been activated, enables you to take action, but from a sense of obligation and expectation.

What does all this mean for development conversations?

You can repurpose the table above as a step by step guide for emotionally intelligent development conversations. Here's what I mean:

Step 1:

First spend time helping your direct report to visualise their best selves;

Step 2:

Then support them to develop motivated actions;

Step 3:

And only then turn their attention to what they need to improve.

Pay special attention to Step 1

Step 1 is crucial. All the more so because we humans are hard wired to scan the environment for threat. This helped us survive on the Savannah, where we needed to scan the grasses for the movement that meant a lion was about to pounce. But it doesn't serve us so well today, as it means we miss out on positive opportunities. In the case of development conversations, it means it's hard for your direct report to access the brain state of "rest and digest daydreaming" where they'll be able to envision their best self. You need to intentionally create the conditions that help.

A great way to do this is by putting as much distance as possible, both psychically and physically, between your direct report's regular, task-focused day and the development conversation.?If you can, hold the session while walking in nature: maybe in a local park, or along a river. If this isn’t practical, tee up a video of a guided visualisation of a walk in the woods. Or simply encourage them to take 10 slow, deep breaths at the beginning of the session. Anything you can do to signal a departure from day to day tasks to the world of daydreams helps.

Once you've set the scene, ask them future-focused, open questions which invite them to envision their best selves and their best future. An example of this kind of question is: “In an ideal world, what would your life and work be full of in five to ten years time?”

Step 2

Once you’ve given the “rest and digest daydreaming" plenty of time, you can guide them into Step 2 which is "rest and digest task mode". Your focus here is supporting your direct report to design motivating actions for their development, with the vision of their best selves fresh in their minds. Examples of the kind of questions you might ask here are: "What would you love to learn to prepare for that vision of your future?" "What steps might you take to learn that?"

Step 3

Only after you've given Step 2 some time should you move on to Step 3: addressing anything that needs improving. Keep this as short and light touch as possible, and do whatever you can to harness the energy that their vision of their best selves has given them. An example of the kind of question you might ask here is: "How might you use your strengths to improve on (x, y or z)?"

What to avoid

What you want to avoid altogether is leading your direct report into the negative rumination of "fight of flight daydreaming". That's why I've marked it with a big "X" on the table above. Avoid questions that sound judging. One tip is to steer clear from asking "Why?". An obvious example of a question you shouldn't ask is "Why do you keep doing (x or y or z)?" That question is inviting them to imagine their worst selves, and will close off paths to growth.

Conclusion

I hope this article helps you understand the basic neuroscience of development conversations, and gives you a few ideas for how to put that understanding into practice. May you use this to help your direct reports grow, develop and thrive! Thanks for reading.