3 Simple Ways To Practice Empathy Effectively, and Build Trust

The success of our personal and professional lives depend on the foundation of trust. We need trust that our loved ones care for us, and we need to trust another well enough to work with, and make deals with. Just think about any relationship, organisation, or government, that operates without trust, they have little (if any) chance of success.

One of the main ways we build trust is through empathy. Empathy is about committing to understanding the world of somebody else. Simply put, why would anybody put trust in you if you don't seem to care about what they're going through?

It's the Little Things

Fret not, for as complex as the function and mechanics of empathy may be, the fundamental skills for practice empathy for building trust don't take complexed or scientifically developed techniques, but are merely extensions of natural human interaction you most likely already possess. Listening, curiousity, and minding your body language.

Listening: Make It About Somebody Else

The first and easiest tip for listening, put your phone away. There's nothing more frustrating than trying to talk to somebody who isn't listening, a feeling I am sure you are familiar with.

"...people want to be understood and accepted. Listening is the cheapest, yet most effective concession we can make to get there." - Chris Voss, author of Never Split the Difference

When we listen intensely, we display empathy, and show sincere desire to understand what somebody else is going through. The focus is on them, not you.

Sounds simple enough, but it is really not that easy to listen well. A lot of the time people engage in internal listening, where their attention is focused on their own thoughts, feelings, and interpretations. You're hearing what they have to say, but thinking about how it relates to you, what you might say next, or what anecdote you want to inject into the conversation. When you are preoccupied with yourself, it's hard to listen attentively.

Here's a challenge, the next time you find yourself in conversation, pay attention to the number of times your attention drifts away from what they have to say, and then pull yourself back. You'll be surprised at how often it happens.

Be Curious

We've talked about how being preoccupied with crafting our responses, takes our focus away from others. Being curious will help you stay present in the conversation, and does not take as much effort as having to carefully craft every response.

Approach the conversation from the attitude of wanting to find out as much as possible about the world of the other. Stay curious, find out more about what they think and feel, and keep listening.

Research shows that when individuals feel listened to, they listen to themselves more carefully, and are more likely to evaluate and clarity their own thoughts and feelings. They also become less defensive and more open to other points of view. So, if you thought speaking your mind was the key to solving others' problems or getting others to empathise with you, what you need might be the exact opposite.

Tips for being curious:

• Avoid "why" questions, because they are almost always accusatory. Think of, "why are you angry?", "why did you do that?", "why are you still here?". Don't touch them.
• Be non-attributive. Leave your hypothesis behind but invite them to do the revealing. Ask, "what are you feeling?" instead of "are you sad?". Their answer might surprise you, or if they don't have one yet, you would have made them think carefully about it.
• Avoid yes or no questions, and ones that only require simple and tiny responses. They require little thought, or depth, and will require you to offer something to get the conversation going again. Instead, go for curious, open ended questions.

In the case of empathy, curiousity does not kill the cat, but it might lay the foundation for open conversation and a fruitful relationship.

Mind Your Language, Body Language.

Rather than focusing on what to say, your demeanor is the easiest and quickest way to get somebody to open up, or just as easily and quickly shut you out.

Only 7 percent of a message is conveyed through words, 38 percent from tone of voice, and 55 percent from your body language and face. You could craft the kindest and most understanding things to say but if you don't radiate warmth and acceptance, you've already lost more than half the battle before you've got a word in. Projecting judgement or disapproval when someone allows themselves to be vulnerable to you is a sure-fire way to ensure you never get that chance again.

Think of walking into an office, greeted by a smile and open arms as opposed to a furrowed brow, and crossed arms. What you do with your body sets the atmosphere of conversation about to happen.

Natural Human Interaction, but with Extra Intentional Steps

If you read through this article and found that these aren't new concepts, perfect. Like I said, nothing here should be new, complex, or hard to put into action. After all, it is often the little things we do, that cost nothing, that make people feel seen, heard, and that they matter.