3 Simple Steps to Increase Psychological Safety with National Coming Out Day

National Coming Out Day (NCOD) is coming way sooner than many of us anticipated, Wednesday, October 11. Many of my clients have reached out to say they’re feeling pressure to do something, but also it feels tricky and they don’t want to screw it up.? I got you, fam.?

Your gut instinct to not rush an event or activity is a good one. Instead, hit the EASY button. NCOD is an opportunity to create incredible connections between ERG members, co-workers, and leadership. We’ve all come out with something, maybe not our orientation or gender identity, but every adult knows the anxiety of sharing something vulnerable about who they are with the influential people in their lives.?

This article will give you the step-by-step plan to not just celebrate National Coming Out Day for $0, but also increase engagement and belonging, while focused on safety and preventing harm.?

As people leaders, employee resource group (ERG) leaders, and especially if you’re an Executive Sponsor, you have a massive impact on your company culture by how you choose to engage or not engage in community celebrations.?

So what’s the NCOD celebration that costs $0 but creates authentic employee connection??

Well, the end product is a collection, a virtual gallery if you will, of “coming out” stories from your people shared in a safe way that allows them to connect authentically. This can be done through your org’s Slack account, gathered into an email, a rotating gallery on a website, or even a private Google doc.?Pairing it with an activity that facilitates discussion around what resonated for one another can be really valuable, but isn’t required.

It’s pretty incredible to see what happens when co-workers witness and validate each other’s lives in meaningful ways. Day-to-day interactions can be changed when we are able to see the human behind the email.?

But the end product, the story gallery which can run all week or all month if you want, isn’t the only piece of magic in this plan.?

My favorite part of this project is the magic that is created on the way to that end product. By following this plan, you can effectively increase psychological safety and belonging, before the end result is even seen.?

Inclusive leaders know the skills to leverage opportunities, like National Coming Out Day, to create inclusion and increase psychological safety. This plan is a little case study on how Inclusive Leaders do that with one little holiday.?

Three Simple Steps to increase psychological safety in your organization through celebrating National Coming Out Day

Step One: Create a framework.

Decide with your leadership team how the stories will be shared. Do you have an internal Slack or message board? A newsletter? One big google doc? What is the format??

The minute the planning conversation feels overwhelming, STOP. Focus on a simple framework that feels super easy and aligned, which is likely just written stories in a Google doc that everyone can access.??

Then decide if your celebration will focus on coming out stories regarding LGBTQ+ identity, or stories outside of the queer identity to increase engagement, or a combination of both. If you’re unsure, ask yourselves “Does our ERG/organization need an activity to uplift one another within our LGBTQ+ community? Or do we need an activity to increase allyship engagement? Or both?”??

To clarify, sometimes people within the LGBTQ+ community need time and space to simply witness each other’s stories, to be heard by their own community, and to share without needing to explain. If that is where your organization is at - keep it a closed activity and don’t worry about finding universal themes. Instead focus on creating safety. Pro tip: not every Pride ERG activity needs to increase allyship. Some need to focus on increasing well-being within the community.?

Other times, LGBTQ+ employees need to feel a sense of unity with their co-workers and their co-workers have a desire to authentically connect as allies. It can be healing to see how much we have in common and feel the shared humanity. In this scenario, opening up the focus of the stories to a universal “coming out” theme, will point to that impact.?

Examples of non-LGBTQ+ related coming out experiences that heteronormative co-workers have likely experienced:?

• Coming out at work as neurodivergent
• Coming out as a parent of a special needs child
• Coming out as a religion that differs greatly from the area’s dominant religion.?
• Coming out at work with a disability
• Coming out to your parents in college that you actually hated the idea of being a doctor/lawyer/engineer
• Coming out to your kids that it’s time for a divorce or move

Sidenote: This project can be really great to collaborate with the parents in your organization. One of the biggest issues in workplaces right now is co-workers feeling scared to come out with the fact that their child is trans and/or gender diverse. If you have a leader who can speak to this and remain psychologically safe at work, it’s HUGE.?

The last piece of this step is to decide on limits for submissions. Whether it’s a word limit, photo limit, time limit, or whatever is relevant to the scope of your celebration, giving your people clear limits helps everyone to understand the expectations, making it feel safer to participate.?

Speaking of safety…

Step Two: Increase engagement and safety with clarity

First, when announcing the project clearly state the “why” behind it. Don’t worry, you already did this piece in Step One when you determined who the project is for, either to support LGBTQ+ individuals by sharing our journeys OR to increase allyship and connection among co-workers by exploring the universality of the coming out experience. (bonus points: tie this into your organization’s Core Values, a key part of Inclusive Leadership Skills)?

Next, be sure to clearly explain the policies that are already in place around hate speech, bullying, etc. Many leaders forgo this step because they don’t want to imagine any of their employees engaging in bigoted behavior like that. However this is a crucial step.

Yes, we clearly state the rules to prevent harm from happening. But also, this is so the people who are considering sharing a vulnerable part of themselves know that you are taking their safety into consideration and will have their back should something go down. Being transparent about the rules creates that impact. This is how Inclusive Leaders create actual psychological safety and belonging within their teams. Speaking of Inclusive Leadership…

Step Three: Employ Strategic Vulnerability

Strategic Vulnerability is a series of skills I teach that allow leaders to leverage opportunities to increase psychological safety and belonging while minimizing the potential harm that can happen with vulnerability. I encourage you to discuss these three skills with your leadership team, as well as share them with your membership as an addition to the word limit guidelines and safety rules.?

Skill #1 - Share from the scar, not the wound. This is the most important one. Don’t share a coming-out story, whatever the focus, that hasn’t healed for you. It’s okay to be tender, but if it’s still creating any kind of anxiety or negative emotion for you - it’s not the story to share. I encourage you to brainstorm a few ideas, then think about your audience and the impact you want to have, and pick one from there.?

Skill #2 - Inclusive Leaders break the vulnerability barrier first. Leaders, you have to go first. A leader’s lack of vulnerability communicates a lack of safety for all. The more influence you have, the sooner you need to be vulnerable with those you want to connect with in the activity. If you have 2 or more levels of direct reports, it’s your job to communicate safety by being one of the first to share something of yourself. Leaders, if you’re still feeling unsure, check out my example story that I share at the end of this article. I bet it will spark an idea for you.

Skill #3 -? Inclusive Leaders are trauma aware, because they understand that those from marginalized populations experience higher rates of trauma than those from heteronormative populations. This means when you announce the NCOD project, include something like the following: ?

The Pride ERG leaders at ACME understand that this day can bring varying levels of emotion, from celebration and joy to grief and sorrow. Please know that you are not alone and if you are struggling, we encourage you to reach out for support. (then insert your company mental health resource, or a local hotline, or other resource.)?

You can download a PDF that summarizes these three Strategic Vulnerability Skills. It can be really useful in preparing leaders for any event that is an opportunity to increase psychological safety, such as NCOD celebrations as well as any Awareness Month event.

So there you have it. An engaging celebration that increases connection and belonging at work, in a way that prioritizes safety, without having to spend a dime. If you choose to have a discussion activity tied in, just review the three steps again and apply them to the discussion activity.?

Just three special steps:

1. Create the framework.?
2. Clearly communicate the WHY, the HOW, the guidelines, and the safety rules & consequences.
3. Practice three skills of Strategic Vulnerability.?

Still feeling nervous about National Coming Out Day? Don’t worry, fam, I got you. The follow-up article is my infamous “Three Best & Worst Ways to Respond when a Co-worker Comes Out To You”. I promise, it will help.?

This is the type of support I offer to consulting clients. To learn more and schedule a time to chat, go here.?

Elena Joy, she/her, is an Inclusive Leadership consultant through a lens of LGBTQ+ inclusion. She specializes in supporting executive teams that are at the crossroads of personal beliefs and DEI best practices. Her Inclusive Leadership Skills framework uses four pillars of knowledge to create actionable skills that build authentic allyship and highly productive teams. Past clients include CDW, Sound Transit, Peloton, Planned Parenthood, and more.?

My NCOD story:

Last spring, I told my therapist that my depression felt under control but the anxiety didn’t. No matter how much meditating, journaling, walking in the sunshine I did, the anxiety was always there. I didn’t know what else to do.?

She suggested that I get tested for neurodivergence. ADHD is known to cause anxiety when untreated, perhaps it was a brain issue and not a nervous system issue. Of course, my first thought was “I’m a 44-year-old, grown-ass adult. I’m sure I would know if I had ADHD.”

Wrong. I scored off the charts. On the second medication my doctor prescribed for me, my life changed. My productivity soared and that was cool. But also, my connection with my children improved. My ability to navigate tricky conversations with my partner and staff members improved. My sleep improved! And for the first time in my life, the anxiety is no longer part of my daily experience.?

In my newfound functionality, I gleefully shared my recent diagnosis with a co-worker. Her response affected me more than I thought it would. “Oh, you’re ADHD too? Just like all of TikTok apparently. It’s so trendy right now to be neurodiverse.”?

Immediately I felt… invalid.?

And I remembered story after story of the youth I work with, coming out with their gender identity to people close to them only to be hit with “You’re just trying to be trendy. All the kids think they’re trans or whatever, get off social media so you can remember how to be a girl/boy.”?

I walked away from that co-worker interaction having a better understanding of what our gender diverse youth are experiencing. This means I can be more careful of my own reactions when someone shares something vulnerable with me. I hope that I never diminish someone’s vulnerable experience with a response like “It’s just a trend.”

I love experiencing this new part of myself, and I’m careful about who I share it with in face-to-face interactions.?