3 Signs You're Failing Your Negotiation (And You Don't Know It Yet)

You arrive at the negotiation scene looking top-notch professional.  You've done your homework and are super-prepared.  You're very articulate.  You bring all the winning arguments.  You dominate the scene.

And then you fail your negotiation, and you can't figure out why.  Here are three possible reasons for you to think about.

1. Being Self-Righteous

Have you been in a negotiation when you think your interests are the only ones that matter?  Just because you're stronger, or because you're being self-righteous.  That moment when you brush off the other party's concerns as insignificant and keep on talking about you, you, you...

That's when you fail your negotiation.  Even if the other party eventually agrees with you, the agreement probably won't be a stable one.  If his interests haven't been met, he's going to be waiting for the right moment to ditch.

Instead, empathize.  Try to see the situation as your counterparty sees it.  For a moment, assume his concerns are your concerns (without forgetting your own interests).  That way, you'll have a better idea of where he's coming from and therefore a better chance of crafting a deal which will stand the test of time.

2. Debating

Now, remember that moment when you just couldn't wait for the other person to finish talking so you could tear apart his arguments.  That moment when you were 100% sure that you're right and he's wrong and you grew more and more impatient with him and his views...

"The moment your negotiation turns into a debate, it's over."

This is when your ears go deaf, and you don't want that happening in a setting where listening is critical.

Instead, listen.  And don't listen to respond; listen to understand.  Listen with an open mind, without judgements or prejudice.  If you catch a voice in your head going "You're wrong!" when the other person is speaking, tell that voice to take a walk.  If you fail the negotiation, it will be because of that inner voice, not the one coming from the person in front.

3. Dominating

This one tops the hat-trick of this article.  You feel self-righteous, you debate, and before you know it, you start dominating: pushing forth statements, making demands, imposing your will, insisting your views.

Negotiation is an exercise in problem-solving, not bossing around.  Egos matter, and if you can't treat your counterparty with respect, you can't expect them to respect the promises they make to you.

Instead of making statements, ask questions.  Instead of demanding, request.  Instead of imposing, offer.  Instead of insisting, suggest.  By showing openness and humility, you encourage the other person to act the same way.  They too become more open to suggestions, which helps you get a good collaborative momentum going.  It's infectious, give it a try the next time you're at the table.

Just Take It Easy

That's probably the best way to prevent the above three signs from happening.

You fail your negotiation when you see it as a competition where there are winners and losers.  Except that it isn't.  It simply isn't a place to prove your wits, your strength, or yourself.  Stop thinking of it as a battle of egos, and start taking it easy.

After all, you succeed in negotiation not by gaining a sense of personal accomplishment, but by gaining a collaborative agreement.

We've all had such experiences -- share yours below.  When was the last time you failed in negotiation because you acted self-righteous, debated, or tried to dominate?  How did the situation unfold?

* * *

Did you like what you just read?

If so, share it with your friends and colleagues -- they might like it too!

Stay tuned for more on dealmaking every week by clicking the "Follow" button above.  For my previous LinkedIn Pulse columns on law, dealmaking, and strategy, see this link.

Stepan Khzrtian (Cantab '11) is co-founder and Managing Partner of LegalLab Law Boutique (www.legallab.co) and co-founder of the Center for Excellence in Negotiation (www.cen.am).  Trained in advanced dealmaking at Harvard Law School, he has been engaged in coaching and consulting on negotiation for nearly 10 years, working with clients to successfully close deals with Fortune 500 companies and empowering officials and officers to best serve constituencies. 

He writes on law, dealmaking, and strategy.