3 Myths of Good Listening

Welcome back to my LinkedIn newsletter where I share tips, ideas, and strategies to help you become more effective in business and life.

If we haven't been acquainted yet, I’m a professor of organizational and cross-cultural psychology, the author of?Global Dexterity ?and?Reach , and an HBR contributor and consultant.?I also work closely with coaches, trainers, consultants and teachers to certify them in my?Global Dexterity Method .

To make sure you don't miss an issue, if you haven't subscribed yet, just click the "Subscribe" button in the upper right corner above. I hope you enjoy today's newsletter!

Listening carefully to another person can be a great tool for building rapport. But in my experience, there are 3 myths about good listening that limit our ability to leverage this most critical of interpersonal skills.

Myth #1:?Good listening is about being silent?

Conventional wisdom says that good listeners keep their mouths shut.?After all, as the saying goes, God gave you two ears and one mouth – so use them in that proportion. But is that really the case???At times, of course, you’ll want to be silent, perhaps though showing your engagement non-verbally, with head nods and the well placed “uh huh” to show engagement and understanding.?But if you’re really listening to what someone is saying, it’s inevitable you’ll have a reaction – or even a question, and by offering your viewpoint in the conversation, allowing the person to respond.?Also, by sharing something about yourself --- your perspective or opinion, or viewpoint, or personal experience with the topic you are discussing – you end up personalizing the discussion and creating a deeper connection – which is a goal of many conversations.

Myth #2:?Good listeners let the other person control the conversation

There’s a general feeling, I feel, that good listeners are somewhat passive, at least when it comes to controlling the “agenda” of a conversation.?Speakers speak and listeners listen – and the job of a listener isn’t to actively bring a conversation down a completely different path.??In my experience, however, some of the very best listening I do as a coach or a friend or mentor is completely the reverse.

Just the other day, for example, I was speaking with a colleague about her work assignments. She said she liked what she was doing, but looked away from me as she spoke, didn’t sound positive at all in her tone, and had a slight frown on her face.?In fact, it almost seemed like she was trying to convince herself of something she wanted to be true, but actually wasn’t – or at least that’s the way felt that way to me.?

So, at a relevant point in the conversation, I took a chance. I mentioned what I was observing – that there was a bit of a “mixed message” between what she was saying and how she was saying it… and it turned out that I was right!??The conversation deepened and it sparked a strong personal and professional connection.?

Myth #3:?Good listening is about the other person’s story?

I believe that good listening is about both of your stories.?Good listening enables you to join in on the conversation, connect with their experience in a meaningful way, and build rapport that lasts well beyond that initial conversation.?