#2 Lead like TED - Make Like Teflon

Ted Lasso Leadership Trait #2 – Make Like Teflon.

Leading From Inside – Let The Criticism and BS ‘Bounce Off’.

This is a tough one to pull off because criticism is specifically designed to pierce your defences. It’s an act of aggression. It’s designed to hurt and belittle.

And it's one of the Four Horsemen of Toxic Communication according to The Gottman Institute.

If someone criticises you – the most common human response is to feel shame.

Shame the number one a confidence and happiness killer.

Does Ted do shame? Nope, And he has two go-to responses to criticism

1. Use humour. This is a massively powerful tool in any edgy situation if used well. Obviously it can go one of two ways. The ‘criticiser’ might become more enraged at being ‘wrong-footed’ OR you may shift the energy and diffuse the situation. This only happens if the criticiser if stopped in their tracks long enough to gain a blinding moment of self-clarity and for their emotional temperature to fall. Humour can help anyone access an ability to chuckle at themselves, the situation (and their tantrums), and feel more connected to the comedian. Storm over. Ideal.

But which is more likely to happen? Worse or bette? I believe this depends on...

• The emotional temperature of the criticiser.
• The amount of time the storm has been brewing inside them.
• Their prior relationship with their shame 'victim'.
• Their emotional health, balance, and stress level at tantrum-time.

If their temperature is running high and they are deeply enraged, have been for some time, or hold a grudge against their victim, humour is more to likely backfire. It may feel to them as though their concerns (and they) aren’t being taken seriously.

In cooler situations, humour has the power to diffuse tension, lighten the mood, and create a bit more thinking time and space - breathing space if you will. All good.

It's important to gauge the temperature before offering humour as an antidote to anything.

What else does Ted do in response to criticism? Powerful strategy number 2...

2.???Admit Mistakes. This is Ted’s go-to. He unashamedly owns his lack of knowledge, agrees where he could’ve done more and better and --- always ask people who know more than he does for help and feedback, especially if they're visibly not on board with him, or angry. Powerful stuff. It says a lot about the quality of the relationship he has with himself. He is innately willing to be vulnerable (and 'wrong') and takes responsibility for this.

Personally, I love working with people like this. It gives me permissions to be human and a bit rubbish from time to time and accept myself and everyone else just as they are. Good medicine in tough situations.

Does admitting mistakes and taking responsibility always diffuse an aggressor. Nope, of course not. Ted only has control over himself and not over anyone else's rage.

I believe it's worth considering that someone who's being critical of others is quite often being twice as hard on themselves on the inside. It's part of how we're wired. from time to time, under stress and upset, we all externalise our internal stuff onto the world around us. Think toddler who can't articulate well what they really need having a tantrum. I generally allow myself to ask whether rage, criticism, etc, are simply a poorly articulated cry for help and connection vs a true act of aggression. The aggressor may be in pain and is projecting.

Not always. Of course, if I've done something truly rubbish their anger's justified and I need to sort that out!

If someone's perpetually angry and critical something must be done - generally by them. Of course, we all make our own choices about how much of this we tolerate into our lives...

To finish up...what about you?

1. How do you handle criticism (or the other Four Horsemen)?
2. When has humour backfired for you and why do you think that happened?
3. What do you do when you don't 'know' and make a 'mistake'?
4. What if you feel you 'should' have known better - do you do shame or guilt?

How many of us have tripped ourselves up pretending to have 'all the answers when we don't? And what has it cost us? This leads me neatly on to...

TEDTrait #3 – Ask The ‘Experts’!

Enjoy!

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