3 keys to building your courage muscles!

Fear gets in the way of so many things in life: applying for that new job; starting your own business; travelling to foreign shores; experiencing new adventures; opening your mind to new possibilities; and opening your heart to new relationships.

So it was fantastic to spend the day with 300 other women at Fearless (back in November 2016), encouraging each other to live bravely and fear less. Run by the dynamic Suzy Jones and with keynote speakers, Margie Warrell and Jacinta McDonnell, the day was focused on finding ways to challenge the thinking that holds us back and then lean in to the fear.

Building your courage and your confidence is all about pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone, whilst listening to your heart and your gut to know that what you are doing is the right thing for you, even if it scares you. Waiting until you feel confident enough to take on something new is a mistake because that day may never come unless you build your courage muscles by flexing them a little more each and every day.

Courage and bravery are traits we often associate with men, particularly when they are competing in physical acts of bravery. I have also considered myself physically brave when engaged in something like canyoning, especially as I abseiled off the side of a cliff! And this type of courage is often encouraged by people like my daredevil husband, and more generally in our male-dominated corporate world. I have found however that that type of bravery is not always so easy to bring back in to the office in a meaningful way.

However courage takes many different forms and I think emotional bravery is often overlooked and it is so important in terms of enabling us to achieve what we want in life or in terms of becoming a great leader. This is the kind of courage which enables us to have the really difficult conversations, to say yes to what will move us forward even though it scares us and no to those things which other people have said we should do even though they may not serve our own values.

I believe there are three keys to building up your emotional courage:

1.   Clarity on your values

One of the keys to developing this kind of courage is getting really clear about your own values, and knowing what is in your heart so that you can tap into what you want or need without listening to the “shoulds” of others. All growth needs to start with self-awareness, as it is only with a deep understanding of yourself that you can truly realise what will bring you meaning in your life and how you can best support the people you love, as well as the larger community. Taking time to sit in stillness and reflect on your life and your desires is often a starting point for this self-awareness.

2.   Get comfortable with discomfort

Part of the way to develop this level of courage is to get comfortable with discomfort and that means practicing emotional bravery every day. I recommend an exercise which I have experienced in a number of different situations, such as yoga retreats, coaching workshops and drama classes, and every time it opens my eyes once again to how often we move through the day without truly connecting with those around us. With a partner, colleague or friend sit across from each other in a quiet space and look into each other’s eyes in silence for 3-4 minutes. This will feel strange and perhaps confronting because it is so rare that we do this and you may feel incredibly vulnerable but I urge you to sit in that discomfort and as you sit there allow yourself to observe your emotional responses. It is absolutely ok to smile, laugh, cry, or respond to the connection in any way you feel as long as you stay with the connection. What feelings is the exercise bringing up? Then afterwards spend 5 minutes asking each other questions and discussing how you each felt. This is an amazing way to build self-awareness and also empathy.

(There is a terrific piece of work by Amnesty utilising this exercise in relation to humanising refugees which I defy you to watch dry-eyed, see it here, but it is amazing what this exercise can bring up even with people you already know well.)

 3.   Build a support team

And also crucial to all of this courage building is to have a support network, where you can look in to another person’s eyes and say “I’ve got this” and see it and hear it reflected back to you, “you’ve got this”, especially at those times when you are having doubts. The people who love you already believe in you but if you are not prepared to open up to them about what you really want then they will not know how to support you and may project their own values onto you. So courage and vulnerability go hand in hand to enable you to build this support team, and learning to share and receive feedback will be part of that.

Building courage is not easy but if you flex those muscles every day they will get stronger!

How are you building your courage?

If you are looking for a great way to kickstart your 2017 by doing all of the above, as well as incorporating yoga and meditation to invigorate your body, mind and spirit please join me for a special urban retreat on 10 February in Sydney. Full details here. I have even included a letter to help you convince your boss that it is in the organisation’s best interest to send you!

Sue runs sue rosen executive coaching and specialises in helping people unleash the power of their potential.