#3 The Good, Bad & Ugly of "Can I Go To The Toilet?"

THAT MOMENT WHEN YOU HEAR/ASK

"Hey, can I get just 5 minutes to run to the toilet?"

"Oh, sorry guys, I really need a bathroom break. I'm gonna go, ok. Can I go to the toilet? I'll be quick."

"Apologies, may I go to the toilet? Just give me 5 minutes."

…you’re in the Good, Bad & Ugly of our habitual ways of negotiating our most urgent personal needs with situational needs.

THINK // 3 insights from the field

If you stop to pay attention, you'll be surprised at the number of people at work who will ask for someone's permission whether they can go to the restroom. You yourself may have said that line quite a few times in your working life as well.

"(Apology)! Can/May I go to the toilet?" is a casual linguistic habit that many of us first learnt as a child from a parent figure or teacher as the "right/polite/respectful thing to do".

I suggest we support each other in letting go of this classic piece of childhood etiquette whenever we see it pop up in our grown-up meetings, presentations, training rooms and more.

It's not that the phrase is wrong. It's because there are more effective and far more empowering ways for us to speak out about our most urgent, personal needs - and we can practice that even with our simple need for a bathroom break.

?? THE GOOD THING about us asking "May/Can I go to the toilet?" is that it's likely we just want to

• show respect to someone's legitimate authority (e.g. they outrank you at work) and/or situational authority (e.g. and/or they are currently running the work meeting or leading the training session)
• show deference to situational needs (e.g. the meeting needs to run on time so I ought to check if my running off for a bathroom break will derail the timing)
• seek permission from authority figures first before doing anything that breaks the norm or the preferred flow of events.

?? THE BAD THING about this small phrase is that it's a "Tell": a little clue that reveals a bigger truth about who we are.

Consider this. Going to the restroom is not a want. It's a need. In fact, our urge to go to the toilet probably ranks as one of the most immediately urgent, deeply important and highly personal and totally reasonable needs we must take care of.

It's not something up for negotiation. It's not something we apologise for. It's not something we leave up to someone else more powerful to decide on behalf of us.

Everyone from C-suite to middle manager to ground staff can fully understand and empathise with this very human need. Only the most unreasonable, low EQ person would deny this to you.

So why do we still keep on negotiating, apologising, seeking permission for something that already clearly does not need negotiating, apologising, permission-seeking?

Assuming that there is no harm that will be done to others, taking care of one's most urgent, personal and pressing needs is something that everybody must be given the discretionary power to just state it as is.

Yet, not everybody dares to do so.

A non-negotiable must never be presented as a request. Because an honest request must always give the listener the freedom to pick 1 of 3 options: "Yes", "No" or "Counteroffer".

So, if "NO" is not an option you're prepared to take as an answer, then do not put that on the table and do not ever present your non-negotiable need as a request.

Present your non-negotiable need as a statement.

I hope by now, it is super obvious I am no longer talking about just going to the toilet.

?? THE UGLY THING to consider is whether that that phrase is just one fascinating little tip of a cultural ice-berg that is possibly built upon over-apology and over-deference of our needs (even our non-negotiable needs!) to whatever power dictates or situation needs.

A person who is already used to asking apologetically "Can I go to the toilet?" might also be the one who apologises for all their other urgent, pressing, personal - and perfectly reasonable - needs like:

• "Apologies. Can you shift a little so I can have a bit more space? Sorry, you're leaning a bit too close."
• "I'm sorry. Can I have a chance to just try to defend my team's work here?"
• "I hate to do this to you in a busy season but...well, may I take a bit of a break - just to rest and you know take care of my mental health? Sorry I know we are busy."
• "Can I maybe not be part of this project? It's just that I was hoping to spend more time at home to take care of my kids/marriage/dying parent etc."

It is important to pay attention to whether it is just one person's habit or it seems to be a widespread cultural, organisational or systemic habit.

It is my observation that in our Singapore culture, because many of us grew up in classrooms where well-meaning disciplinarians drilled it into us to always ask for permission before going to the toilet, some of us never quite lost that habit.

In my own work meetings, client sessions or training rooms, I have experienced different people come up to me and say "Can I go to the toilet?" and each time I will thank them for asking but also let them know casually but clearly that they never need to ask me for permission and they should do what they need to do to take care of themselves.

Remember, you will always have urgent, personal and pressing needs and that's OK.

• Present your needs as a statement. You do not have to negotiate your needs. You don't apologise for having a reasonable, pressing need.
• Then make a supporting request and offer. You do have to negotiate the details around the meeting of your needs. You also don't have to apologise for negotiating details. You do have to just negotiate reasonably and respectfully.

Look at the difference in how you sound:

? (Apologetic Request)

• "Sorry for disrupting. Can I go to the restroom?"

? (State Needs + Supporting Request & Supporting Offer)

• "I need to step out for 5 minutes to use the restroom. Can Jeff present first? I'll take the next slot."
• "I need to use the washroom. Can we use this time to take a short break and reconvene in 10 minutes? I'll kick off the next part."
• "I need to use the restroom right now quite urgently. Can I have my team members take over this part of the discussion? I'll catch up and take questions towards the end."

Let's try another urgent need that is not about the restroom but even more urgent, pressing and personal needs.

? (Apologetic Request)

• "Apologies. Can I have just a little bit more space?"

? (State Needs + Supporting Request & Supporting Offer)

• "I need some personal space. Can you sit opposite me rather than right next to me? I can help you move that chair so it's comfortable for you."

? (Apologetic Request)

• "I'm sorry. Can I defend my team's work here?"

? (State Needs + Supporting Request & Supporting Offer)

• "I need to defend my team's work here. Can I take 5 minutes to share what we actually did on this project? I can take any questions for things that may not be that visible or easily understood to everyone."

? (Apologetic Request)

• "I hate to do this to you in a busy season but...May I take a break? It's just that I'm really not doing well."

? (State Needs + Supporting Request & Supporting Offer)

• "I need to take a mental health break for about 4 days. I need to get some rest. Can I get Sandra to handle things on my behalf so that she can support you in this busy season? I can offer to run through things with her and work remotely with her for any extremely urgent issue."

FEEL // 2 links to help you feel less alone

WATCH Licensed marriage and family therapist Emma McAdam on why we over-apologise and how we can stop our habit of over-apologising.

READ Washington Post reporter Teddy Amenabar on how excessive apologising affects our sense of self and our relationships with others.

DO // 1 actionable strategy to try in the week

??? NOTICE the next time you hear someone else in a work setting say "Sorry...May I go to the toilet?" or apologising as they request for some urgent, pressing need. Instead of ignoring or brushing it off...

FIRST, GET CURIOUS ABOUT THEM

• Do they have any reason to apologise or request for permission to meet that need?

THEN, PRACTICE REFRAMING FOR THEM

• "You don't need to apologise and you don't need to ask me permission. You can (take care of that need)"
• "You need (state their need). That's perfectly reasonable so there's no need to apologise for it. What else can we sort through for that to happen?

??? NOTICE also the next time you hear yourself in a work setting say "Sorry...May I go to the toilet?" or apologising as your request for some urgent, pressing need. Instead of ignoring or brushing it off...

FIRST, GET CURIOUS FOR YOURSELF

• Do I have any reason to apologise or request for permission to meet that need?

THEN, PRACTICE REFRAMING FOR YOURSELF

• "Let me rephrase that. I need (state your need)."
• "Can I (make your supporting request)?"
• "I can (make your supporting offer)"

And remember, you don't have to apologise for rephrasing! ??

If you want to shift the personal dynamics, professional situations or organisational cultures around you, I would love to help you.

I help my organisational clients strategise how to change what's working/not working in their culture. I design interventions, train leaders & their people in necessary skills and facilitate necessary conversations on their behalf. You can also look up our public training offerings at Common Ground Civic Centre such as this one:

Have a worthy weekend, workplace warriors.

Leading organisational cultural change is a good and meaningful thing. But it can be a battlefield through some bad things and ugly things. I'm here for you in the trenches.

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Meanwhile, get some rest this weekend.

I'll see you next Friday,

?? ?? ??

Wishing you love, power & meaning,

Shiao