3 Events Under my Iceberg in 2017

"It was the best of times, 
it was the worst of times,
it was the age of wisdom,
it was the age of foolishness,
it was the epoch of belief,
it was the epoch of incredulity,
it was the season of Light,
it was the season of Darkness,
it was the spring of hope,
it was the winter of despair,
we had everything before us,
we had nothing before us,
we were all going direct to Heaven,
we were all going direct the other way
– in short, the period was so far like the present period,
that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, 
for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only."
Charles Dickens A Tale of Two Cities

Overall I admit I had a pretty rocking 2017. If you want to learn more about my wins, visit my 2017 recap.

I enjoy reading end of year recaps that come out this time of year from individuals. It is great to see successes. It is important to know that not everything is as perfect as it may seem.

Sylvia Duckworth shares the image of iceberg illusion. On the surface, so many see the peak of the iceberg, the successes. So few think about what it took to build the iceberg. Here are three events that happened in 2017 under my iceberg.

1) Health Issues

Ever since I can remember, I have had a phobia of eyes. Halloween is pure torture as are cartoons, contact lens commercials, eye doctor advertisements....you get the picture. My family thinks it stems from when I was four they took me to see Santa Claus. As I sat on his lap, I pulled his beard and his fake eye fell on me. (It's okay, you can laugh at me). I don't really remember the incident but needless to say, I understand that I have a strange phobia. Earlier in the year, I woke up one morning and I couldn't open my left eye. I had never experienced anything like that before so I took my fingers to spread my eyelid open. It was immediate pain and when I looked in the mirror, my eye looked like the Eye of Sauron. I took the day off work and noticed my eye would not stop watering and it was sensitive to light. I went to the doctor and I was diagnosed with pink eye, took the medication and suffered for a few days. It cleared up and then the following week it happened again. I blamed it on my cat, my laundry detergent, all kinds of things. I was diagnosed with pink eye again, took the drops, rinse and repeat. This went on for about 4 months, severely impacting my ability to drive, work, and keep up with school. A big part of my job duties revolves around facilitation (which I did often wearing sunglasses with tears running down my cheek). You can see this in action in a TLDC episode I guest hosted (without sunglasses). Finally, after getting an appointment with a specialist, I found out that I have a chronic dry eye. During sleep, my eye sticks to my eyelid, meaning when I open it, I tear eye tissue. This is bad enough for anyone to deal with but for me and my phobia, it was a nightmare. I was convinced I could wear an eyepatch and keep on going. I absolutely did not want to deal with any issue with my eye. I now use eye drops daily and will likely use them the rest of my life. Hindsight (haha) I should have handled it better. I lost days to mental breakdowns dealing with my eye. My fear crippled me of making rational decisions. While I still have my eye phobia, it is not as severe as it was earlier in the year.

2) Organizational Chaos

Right when my health became better, the composition of my workplace changed drastically. My supervisor left, a key staff member retired, a friend found a better opportunity and went to work for another university, another friend was cut from a reduction in force, and another friend transferred to another department in the University. Wow. I like to think that I handle change well but it is one of those things that most of us say about ourselves that isn't always the truth. Most people also consider themselves good public speakers, communicators, and drivers :) My supervisor was a huge advocate for me and after her departure and the rest I mentioned, I felt alone. I started to dislike going to work, a feeling I had not experienced in some time. It took me about a month of sulking to finally change my attitude and identify growth opportunities. I mended a longstanding interpersonal conflict with a co-worker which led me to work on some neat projects towards the end of the year (and led me to Chicago to meet Trish Uhl!) While I still miss all of my former co-workers, I have grown more in my role and have started becoming a better advocate for myself.

3) Lack of Focus

I started this year without making any formal goals for myself which led me down a path of no focus. Almost anything I could get involved in I said "Yes!" to. Sure, I'll co-host a podcast. Yes, I'll write that. Yes, I want to run that workshop. Yes, I want to spend most of my weekdays leaving my house at 5:30AM and not walking in the door until 8:00PM. It was exciting and I really felt like I was going somewhere. Ultimately, I do not know where I was heading a good part of 2017. Because of that, my work and commitments suffered. I want to do a better job of being focused on the task at hand AND looking towards the future. This means that I am cutting ties and commitments that do not align with where I want to go. My friend Mike Simmons called me and tried helped steer me back on a productive path. He told me it is okay to say, "No" and that not every day is going to be perfect.

There is something powerful about sharing what is under your iceberg. I'd love to hear about what it under yours.