3 (and 1/2) Relationship Roadblocks

From my perspective, most relationships are divided, diminished, or destroyed by one or more of the following 3 things:

1. The need to be right.
2. Assumptions.
3. Attaching emotions to outcomes over which I have no control.

Let’s look at each one of these individually.

First, the need to be right.? This is number one for a reason.? If you’ve read any of my other newsletters/posts/articles about perspective, this one should be obvious.? My experience is based on my perception.? My perception is flawed because I can never see the whole picture.? I judge you based on flawed perception.? I judge myself based on flawed perception.? Flawed perception is not a worthy foundation to determine right or wrong.? Still, lines are drawn in the sand, positions are taken (both offense & defense), and shots are fired.? There is never a situation where no damage is inflicted.? Even if the damage is minor, it lives in our memory and becomes the context from which we view the next similarly perceived situation.? Major damage caused by the need to be right has wiped out entire civilizations.? Stop it!

Second, assumptions.? We do this constantly, to ourselves and each other.? Again, based on our experience in a similarly perceived situation, we assume that we know what is happening in someone else’s mind.? How fair is that when most of us don’t pay that much attention to what is happening in our own minds?? We are not mind readers.? We are not even mind skimmers.? Most of us have never even taken that book off the shelf.? The same results are experienced as with the need to be right, although on a smaller scale in most instances.? We react based on our assumptions, then the other party reacts to our assumptions based on their assumption of how we received the communication from them.? A reaction becomes a chain reaction.? Nothing positive comes from a chain reaction that started with an assumption.? Stop it!

Third, attaching emotions to outcomes over which I have no control.? This is more difficult for most of us to wrap our heads around, so stay with me.? Think about this in relation to a sports team, for example.? Depending on your level of fanaticism, we base how we feel on whether they won or lost.? We give control of our emotions to an outcome in which we have no direct participation or impact on the result.? Most of us bristle at the thought that someone else wants us to take an action that makes us uncomfortable based on how they are feeling.? Yet how many times are we on the other side of that equation?? This can happen in any relationship.? Spouse/significant other, kids, parents, team members, managers, etc.? When I ask anyone else to attach their emotions to my outcome, I am asking them to allow me to assume control over their emotions and they will just have to be ok with the outcome.? I don’t understand my own emotions most of the time and now I want control over yours as well.? The results can be the same as the need to be right and assumptions, but this one is much more difficult to recognize.? Still, stop it!

Now for the 1/2, expecting others to act based on the first three.? Expecting others to act based on your need to be right, your assumptions, or your insistence that they attach their emotions to your outcome never ends well.? It might seem to “fix” the moment, but there is now damage someplace else and that damage will spill back into the relationship that you sought to protect. Stop it! ???

The tricky part is that other than your relationship with yourself, there is always another person involved.? You can only fix you.? You can only try to make yourself better.? If you try to force anything on someone else, you are bound to end up embracing one or more of the relationship roadblocks.? That doesn’t mean you should stop working towards what better looks like for yourself.?

In an upcoming newsletter, I will contrast the Roadblocks with my 3 Rules for Successful Relationships.?

Stay tuned.