A 280km long walk towards myself...

I thought the past 2-3 years have been difficult, but when 2020 hit us with the torrent of wildfires, plagues, protests, governmental bullshit, mob mentality (I mean insanity) and the limitations on our freedoms and security - as well as the doom another financial crisis promises... my resilience and mental strength started crumbling apart.

It's been a few years since I wanted to do the pilgrim's walk [The Camino] from Porto, Portugal to Santiago de Compostela, Spain and the plan was to do it this spring in May... I knew I really needed this hike, I knew that my mental health depended on a much-needed detachment and I've been making plans for it and putting my change aside to fund the trip for a year. Alas, that couldn't happen in May due to the pandemic.

I took the self-isolation very seriously from the very start in March, as losing my physical health is pretty hard on me for a number of reasons. But by end of August, my workaholism was destroying my sleep, my body ached from the lack of movement and my brain was headed to yet another burnout. I needed to do something... I needed freedom - from the web I have spun myself...

Freedom is a big topic for many people... it's a goal that many strive for... But our ideas are very screwed up as to what true freedom means. When I was a teen I thought I'd have true freedom when I'm 18 and no one can tell me what to do. Then when I was at university, still financially reliant on my father I thought true freedom would be when I'm financially independent. And once I graduated and got my first grown-up pay-check and could be 100% self-reliant I thought I have true freedom. Nope. I was wrong.

I discovered true freedom a few years back when I gave up everything I had - job, steady income, good accommodation, even a deep relationship that meant a lot to me… So I hit the road and was freed of who I was and the idea of who I wanted to be was lost… I had nothing - yet I had everything - truly.

I got back from the road a year later… A new person - closer to the "real me" and yet, after starting my business and investing myself so deeply I was once more as Clifford Geertz said, "an animal suspended in webs of significance I have spun myself". And sadly, 2 years later I was hanging by the neck and needed to cut the strings and to drag myself back on the road and learn to breathe again.

So, pandemic or not, fear for my physical health or not, I had to hit the road - it was not a want, it was a need. I gave myself 3 weeks in Europe, knowing I'm so out of shape I anticipated great pains and struggles walking the 280km from Porto to Santiago. My body surprised me massively, the only enemy I had was blisters - so not even muscle tension or else.

And so, thankfully I made it to Santiago in two weeks, taking my time to soak up the sun and the views. Using the time to listen to audiobooks and reflecting the hell out of it all. I learned a lot about myself, I also invested my time and money in some online courses to help me through the processes I needed to go through. I have also ordered some books and have more courses in the pipeline. And as a result, I've grown doing the Camino in ways that being back home, in the rat race - are impossible for me…

But I admit it, I'm scared of myself and for myself…in the rat race. I am still a workaholic and I still need to work on this and more. There's always the risk of coming back to 'reality' and slipping into my old ways, but the thing is - I am still dedicated to learning and growth and I will continue my journey even when I am back in the UK.

We create our own milestones, we spin our own webs. I walked not so much towards Santiago, but towards myself and my deeper needs. After the official 280km, but overall 380km I stood in the square, in front of the Santiago de Compostela Cathedral knowing, this wasn't about the physical destination.. It was about reaching and seeing myself.

So, my reflection and advice to you reader is, if you lose your way, you'll find it on The Camino… And "The Camino" is The Way. Meaning... Find your way on the way! You just need to make it a priority and say 'No' to everything that keeps you from walking the path towards your true self.

May your Camino give you the sun, the beauty, the silence, the storm, the stillness your mind, body and spirit desire and need!