21 Lessons at 21 Years Old

Hello! I'm Justine. I'm 21 years old. I'd love to introduce more of myself to you, so here are...

21 lessons I've learned in my 21 years of living:

1. The key to working smart is to work hard first.

I often see people, especially the young ones, too much in a hurry to 'work smart'. Some also demonize hard work. The only way for you to leverage your time and money (working smart) is to have YOUR OWN skills first, by working hard. Hard work is still a core principle and will get you places working smart never would.

2. Don't waste time arguing with people.

There had been too many instances in my life that I was sure I was correct (which I was), But I wasted too much energy on people who: a. don't care about my perspective, or b. simply don't have the cognitive capacity to understand (sorry!). You have to know when to leave conversations, even at points that the other person thought they won.

3. Learn to let go of 'friends'.

I often held onto my friends, even those from Elementary school, too tightly. This was because I had associated my quantity of friends and friend retention with my identity. I learned that not all people are meant to stay in your life. And often forcing them to stay would hinder your progress. It's also easier to make friends once you've established a value that you can offer to people.

4. My mom was right.

Well, not in everything. But as I age I had learned to slowly let go of any childhood pains and traumas associated with my upbringing. I was slowly seeing the perspective of my parents — that they were just functioning according to the parenting they thought was right at that time. I also considered the fact that the generation today (me) had more access to parental research than they had. With that, I learned to forgive myself for the bad effects these childhood pains had inflicted on me, and also forgave my parents.

I realized that there is a better way of carrying the past — to use them as lessons for the future, not as grudges to hold against people. It's also lighter that way. And when you carry a lighter load, you get to your success destination quicker.

5. My mom wasn't right.

I chose to not listen to my parents about having an online job while being in college (me right now). They were against this because they wanted me to focus on my studies. But I persisted. I acquired skills with courses I bought with my own money. Prior to having skills I had side-hustles of doing commissioned academic works, being a Math and English tutor to my cousins, etc.

I acknowledge that my parents' advice were stemmed from their genuine concern for me. But had I listened to them, I wouldn't be the email marketing specialist (and email copywriter too) that I am. Taking this risk had allowed me to build my career even before graduation, and also to financially support myself with the more risks I want to take. One of the best things to experience in life is being able to decide on your own.

6. Risk while you're young.

Time is the currency in which risks thrive. You'll fail in life anyways, fail fast and fail forward. At least you still have time to recover and to apply the lessons you acquire along the way.

7. Filter advice from people.

A lot of advice mean well. A lot of them also come from ignorant backgrounds or narrow perspectives. Don't be pressured to take every other advice given to you. Listen to others, but trust yourself more. You know most about your life. YOU have the authority to decide for yourself. You are the master of your own destiny, so act like one.

8. Don't allow anyone to invalidate your learnings or your emotions.

Been hurt? Cry. Heartbroken? Weep. Angry? Curse.

There is no right or wrong way to process your own emotions. As long as you are not hurting yourself and anybody else, cry in your pillows at night. Scream on the mountaintops, and detach from people for a while. It's YOUR life and nobody understands your emotions, and the underlying circumstances beneath, more than you. So take your time and don't let anybody tell you how to behave.

9. Nobody thinks of you.

One of the fears I had growing up was that when I make a mistake, it will mark my life forever, and it would be my identity. People would remember me for that little thing — I'm doomed. Not.

I cannot count how much my plans have been hindered by fear of people's judgment.

Truth is, everybody else is too busy being anxious about their own lives. Thinking about their own problems. Dwelling on their own failures. More often than not, they don't have enough mental space to think about you. You are not that special.

So go — start your business, come out, love whomever you want to love, study that skill, and suck at it. And if you fail, congrats! You've made your first step. And trust me, a year from now nobody's gonna remember that.

10. Forgive yourself, before improving yourself.

When it comes to the things I'm not good at, I had always despised myself for it. 'I don't have friends because I'm not likable. I wasn't chosen by my crush because I'm ugly. I did not graduate with honors because I'm lazy.'

The default mode of us humans is to straight up improve ourselves immediately. But we have to forgive ourselves first. Forgive ourselves for the circumstances outside of our control that contributed to our weaknesses.

Maybe you were raised in a dysfunctional household which contributed to your social anxiety. Maybe you did not graduate in the top 10 because you did not have the economic privileges that those 10 students had, like affording a tutor, etc.

Once you've acknowledged these, and forgave yourself, then you can start on your long (but lighter) journey of self-improvement.

11. There is no absolute.

I had always been a believer in absolute truths or constants growing up. These had led me to far too many arguments, because I had believed that in all circumstances, there could only be one answer.

I was wrong. I could never impose a decision on a person even though they had told me all factors to consider, simply because there is no one absolute correct way to live one's life.

Everything is subjective according to the gazillion combinations of luck, circumstances, privilege, etc. of a person.

There is no one absolute way of parenting. No one absolute way of clothing. No one absolute way of doing romantic relationships. You just have to do your best in making decisions according to the known, and especially unknown, circumstances in your life. And once you have decided, other people have no right to question that.

12. You can't be the best in everything. And that's normal.

I had always been the person who wanted to 'balance it all.' I am a debater in my college. An email marketer/copywriter at my job. A student. A sister, a girlfriend, a daughter.

If I do my best in those things above, it's okay for me to not be too good at folding my clothes, or doing the dishes. I should not batter myself because I can't sing (I really wish I could!). But I'm not a superhero, nor should I act like one. Turns out, embracing my finite abilities and accepting my humanity is fun. :)

You, too. You don't have to be everybody for everyone. You don't have to be the best in every single skill in the world to be valuable. Mediocrity is not evil.

13. Privilege is real.

I used to attribute any of my success to just my own hard work. Ex. I got a job because I worked hard for it. I am currently a Dean's Lister in my college because of my own sacrifices, etc.

While these may be true, I also have to factor in the privileges I had starting, and those springboarded me to where I am today. I have to acknowledge that I got a job because my family's economic status allows us to afford the internet connection. I am a Dean's Lister in my college because my mom, when I was young, invested in my education by giving me access to high-quality books.

Students who are just as, or even more, hardworking than me may not have achieved those that I did. And it's never because they're lazy. Most often than not, they were not presented with the luck and the privileges that I had. This humbles me more than anything.

This humbles me not to look at the poor as a mere product of their own merits. Nor not to see my successes as something solely my own.

14. Privilege is real, and so is hard work. So work with the cards you're presented with.

Yes, privilege is real. But there are also areas in my life where I'm not the luckiest. Maybe if I was born in a 1st world country I would have a higher salary. Maybe if I did not have scoliosis I could do more sports. Maybe if I was born into a rich family, I won't have to juggle studies with work.

But the reality of life is that: we have to work with the cards we're presented with. Why? It's because we have no other choice. Acknowledge the factors you lacked privilege in, breathe, and get going.

The circumstances you were born into is inevitably your starting point in life. You and I may not be the most privileged in the world, but we have no choice but to just do something. And maybe, as we work hard, the luckier we'll get.

15. You don't have to be an entrepreneur or multimillionaire.

It seems that as children, especially in the Philippines, we've been subtly taught that financial success is the ultimate success. No. You define success according to your own terms. No one else's.

Want to live a quiet, rural life in the forests? Go. Want to live instead in the city and climb the corporate ladder? Go. No single path leads to success. You can make your own path, and thrive in it.

16. Be genuinely interested in knowing (and loving) yourself.

As cliche as this may sound, yes, you have to love yourself.

I used to be so insecure about everything in my life. 'My nose is too big.' 'My feet is ugly.' 'I have uneven teeth.'

As time goes by, I have learned to be genuinely interested in knowing myself. When talking to people we often ask things like "What's your favorite food?" "What makes you happy?" "What are your pet peeves?" But we neglect asking these to ourselves. More often, we approach ourselves with disgust, harshness, and indifference.

I realized I would never experience the full joy of receiving a compliment on my beauty until I can get in front of the mirror and acknowledge that I'm beautiful too. I would never experience the delight of being told that I'm doing great until I can tap my own shoulder and acknowledge that indeed, I am doing great.

I realized that the greatest fans of ourselves should be... us.

17. There's no shame in changing your mind.

I am a very assertive and outspoken person (very telling of my debating background). This attitude has often bred an unspoken rule of always standing by my established principles, no matter how inconvenient it can be.

But truth is, some of my established principles may be wrong. Some things I believed may have been founded on outdated concepts, falsities, and ignorance.

As I grow older, I have been encountered with new information and concepts that have proven me wrong. In the first few times, these corrections were responded with resistance.

But I learned that indeed, there is no shame in changing my mind. The real shame is staying blindly behind false principles just for the sake of your ego.

18. Social media is 100x more harmful than it is beneficial.

As part of the Gen Z, I'm one of the first generations to grow up with social media. Without the discerning abilities as a child, I thought of it as harmless and innocent. Boy, I was wrong. Ever since I got a gadget that has access to social media, I had noticed that I found it harder and harder to focus on my tasks. It made my life sad, miserable, and unnatural. And it's never because it was my fault or anything. It's because social media is intentionally built to be that way. It has been their dark dirty plan all along, and they succeeded.

As I turned 21 I realized that nothing is wholesome nowadays. Social media may look innocent as it just 'shows you updates about your friends and family', but it's more sinister than that. Social media today has prebuilt systems that intend you to be addicted to it. With its notification bells and likes, it disrupts your body's natural reward system that makes you come back to it for more — like a gamble. Not only that, too much information contained in social media overstimulates and exhausts your brain too much causing you to lose the ability to focus on other areas of your life.

19. Focus is currency.

Related to #18, it's a reality that the majority of people are out-of-focus nowadays. They may be distracted by social media, cable TV, Netflix, or a combination of them all. And with all the distractions around us, it is very crucial to be intentional with your focus.

Truth is, our focus is finite. If you binge-watch Netflix all day, you would most likely have 0 brain focus/energy by the end of the day because though watching can be called a 'passive' form of brain activity, it still makes our brain process & digest things. In short, it still eats up our brain energy.

Social media is the same. Scrolling through Facebook cannot be called a relaxing brain activity because with every status, video, or photo you see, your brain process that. And even worse, with the instant, fast-paced, and bottomless pit social media is, it exhausts our brains more than it has ever known in the history of humankind.

Preserve your focus to be allocated to the meaningful things in your life. Cause if you don't control it, the world will control YOU.

20. Your favorite YouTuber farts too.

Along with the addictive qualities of social media is the unrealistic, distorted reality it presents. Often, I had tendencies to compare my life to other people's lives in social media. I judged their romantic relationships based on how wide their smiles are in their Facebook cover photo. I despised my stretchmarks because my old classmate has the hottest and most flawless butt on Instagram.

But the truth is, social media posts are everybody's life highlights. It's filtered to show only the best, the beautiful, and the happiest moments. I realized I cannot compare my life's behind-the-scenes with others' highlight reels.

21. I may or may not have put a piece of bad advice in here. Nevertheless, that's okay.

Last lesson is that... I may be wrong on any of the lessons and advice I put above. I may receive backlash or negative comments. I may be labeled dumb. People may assume I'm giving them unsolicited advice. This post may flop, etc.

But whatever happens, the greatest learning I have overall is the idea that I will never stop learning. I've learned to always be receptive to corrections and open to change.

And to be in a soul that is constantly in hunger for improvement... has always been, and forever will be, a noble place to be.

'Til next time,

Justine