2023: Grief, Gratitude & Intentions

In early 2022 I set a very hopeful intention for more ease, joy & strength. Not quite a measurable goal, but I know for sure I received more strength. And buddy, did I need it.

I’m facing 2023 without the love of my life, my partner for 15 years (which feels cruelly short). But in that short time Nook Schoenfeld taught me so much. He inspired me to show up as my true self, grounded in our shared values & love for our work. When I got my job at Media Loft, he was so excited for me. I think he posted something on Facebook about it before I did. I will forever cherish our backyard conversations & his sage advice. I loved being his wife.

Reflecting on the struggles of our last year together, helping Nook navigate an extreme treatment plan & complicated surgery, I was awed by his strength & perseverance. One of his favorite mantras - “You cannot win if you do not play.” Nook played hard. Always. Even in his final days, he was playing to win.

I’ve spent the past 17 days in bereavement with dear friends, family & chosen family. Juice (Jules) Miller was incredible support throughout all of this, especially once Nook landed in the hospital. She was my rock when I started to crumble & she knew exactly what to do or say without me having to ask for it. I know Nook was comforted whenever she arrived. Shawn Bergeth, MSW, LGSW & Kamara Bergeth opened their Rochester home to us - a space to stay, process & grieve. Suzy Schaak walked us through the process of fighting to live & then transitioning to die, giving me guidance & comfort throughout it all. Justin Dering (the best financial advisor) continues to answer my random questions at any time of day. Alison Casey , Neil Worthingham , Susie Wichlacz made sure Lenny & our beloved dog Sandy were safe, sound, supported, & well-cared for. Tim Duffy & Donna Duffy wrapped Lenny up in their arms when we got back to Minneapolis, giving him another safe space to process & grieve. And then there’s the huge network that showed up in Rochester for the surgery & when things got really intense & I was struggling to be there alone – Amy Pogue Brady, Julie Meidl, Kathryn Duncan , Jodi Souza DeSanto, Norm Schoenfeld, Laurie Hart, Alicia Schoenfeld, Joseph Musquiz, Jodi Montgomery, Andrea Gair, Heather Willems, Sara Shives, Steve Botts, Lisa Turnham, Mandy Spencer, Jeff Schoenfeld, Cass Miller, Kayleigh Johnson, Annette Walby, Amy Worthingham, Alison Gretz. Thank you for taking the time from your busy lives to just be there for us.

I've learned so much about navigating the healthcare system & how to be an effective advocate. I know more than I ever want to about pancreatic cancer, treatment options & resulting complications. In the "pay it forward" spirit of Nook, I open my in-box to anyone needing advice.

I go back to work & Lenny goes back to school on Tuesday. I’m a little nervous about what ‘normal’ looks like without Nook physically by my side, but I return to work with so much support & immense gratitude for my fellow employee-owners at Media Loft. I cannot imagine going through this year without them. Every single one of them, including the “non-staff” Lofties, had my back when I needed to shift or dip out of meetings. They peppered my days of 2022 with joy & cried with me when I needed to. Throughout it all, I was able to contribute to our work & still get Nook to the myriad of appointments. Most importantly, I was able to juggle work & be by his side to advocate for him fully during the ~14 weeks he spent at Mayo, off & on, from Sunday, August 14 until Wednesday, December 14.

Thank you Lofties, for giving me what I needed during this time. I’m channeling my nervous energy into excitement to see you all & dive back into the work. I know that’s what Nook would want me to do. Get back to the joy, get back to playing to win.