2022 Reflection - Personal Transformation Is Not Easy

What an unexpected year it’s been. Not necessarily my favorite but I survived and am ready to thrive again. As I reflect on the year gone by and the roller coaster ride it’s been, it has reinforced something I’ve always believed - life is not a template to learn from and replicate. This is why I’m always slightly skeptical of the many “lessons I learned lists” that show up at the year's end; it almost suggests that that list will prepare you for the following year. Instead, as I reflect, I’m making notes of my strengths, my weaknesses, some delusions, and ultimately what worked for me uniquely this year. I will take very few of these into the New Year but it felt like a good moment to pause and take stock.

1. I quit a job I loved for various reasons and because I’ve taken a break between jobs many times before, I felt very confident it would play out in a very similar manner. A nice 3-week vacation, a couple of weeks of doing nothing and then on to the next job. The part up to the break worked exactly according to the script but everything else unravelled very differently - for which I was mostly unprepared. The five job offers I had going into my vacation didn’t manifest. I couldn’t relate to other opportunities that were out there. Some of the best headhunters in the country said my kind of talent and calibre was rare and senior roles were far and few in between and suddenly I felt like I was starting out all over again.
2. I had many moments of despair - questioning my skills and ability, wondering if this really was the end of my career. There were days when I found it hard to share my emotional vulnerability, when I felt intense anger about how some things played out and mostly anxiety and fear because I wondered if, at 52 I was now the “wrong age”. I actually removed dates from my CV and that made me feel worse than ever!
3. Through all of this, I had immense support from friends and family. Nearly every one of my ex-bosses was rooting for me, wanting to work on projects and nudging me in possible directions. I couldn’t be more grateful for this and yet I had to navigate the process of transformation on my own.
4. I am lucky I could afford to take the break longer than I anticipated. I wonder how many people think seriously about finances when taking career breaks - especially in this new age of mindful living and quiet quitting etc. Finances are so important to take breaks and my hope is everyone thinks about this.
5. For a period, to distract myself, I focused on continuing to have a vibrant social life. It made me feel loved, popular and like all was well. However, going out constantly was a minor distraction and mostly made me feel shallow and even more clueless. I consciously started to replace some of the social engagements with yoga, online courses and taking on pro-bono projects.
6. However, the slight shift in intentional focus started to trigger changes on many levels. I very quickly was able to be excited by possibilities as I lent my skills to projects. It became clearer that who I am today and what lay ahead was actually filled with many more wonderful opportunities than if I had stuck on with my job. It was important to be a little uncomfortable and embrace new ideas and suggestions for new things to manifest and importantly to set objectives, outcomes and tasks for myself and go after them in a dogged manner!
7. As things take shape with new opportunities, I find the spring back in my feet, wake up raring to go and cannot wait for a new chapter. And as I reflect,?it is important for me to acknowledge that the journey of transformation and change was not easy

I am grateful that I had the means and the openness to see a therapist.

It is important for me to talk freely about the days I felt so vulnerable, I couldn’t get out of bed.

I am happy I didn’t feel guilty about self-care (my spa bills have been astonishingly high).

There were days I found it hard to be happy for others and in fact felt deeply resentful and jealous

I struggled to gracefully accept the space others held for me without expecting more or having a pity party

The days I felt completely overwhelmed, I found a run around Ulsoor Lake filled me with hope

I am glad I didn't give in to the urge to accept offers that I simply didn't feel connected to, despite the security it would offer

And finally, faith, because when all else failed, I just prayed really hard.

And so, as I look ahead toward the dawn of a New Year, I have no lessons to share, no words of wisdom and no “year-end lists''! I truly believe that no one can quite anticipate what life has in store - the good or the bad. All I do know is every day is a new opportunity to live my truth.??