2021: The year my mental health left me bedridden

This is a document I wrote in April 2021 and haven’t felt ready to share with the public until now.

Warning - if you’ve had experience of mental health episodes I would recommend that you consider reading this carefully. I’ve tried to be as open and explicit as I can be.

Unable to think or move

There was one email that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. In a given week I’ll normally have a generous handful of emails that are complicated or emotionally charged, and I can feel my brain whir into problem-solving mode. This time, no cogs were turning but instead all I could hear was blisteringly loud white noise. My brain wasn’t working, and panic was rising. That night I woke up hyperventilating a few times. At 9 am I dragged myself breathless and tearful to my GP appointment to get a smear test. The poor male nurse kept reassuring me that there was nothing to worry about and I just wanted to scream that I couldn’t have cared any less about him looking between my legs when something had broken between my ears and I couldn’t calm down.?

After the first day of panic attacks a fever set in. I thought I might have COVID. I was shaking, sweating, and needed to sleep a lot. The test came back negative and the bone ache lifted, but the thick black cloud didn’t move. I felt utterly overwhelmed by getting out of bed.?

Bee is a Copy Club mentor and becomes a very important character in my life about now. Through some gentle, persistent questioning in those first days, she helped me vocalise that I wasn’t ok. I didn’t know what was going on, but she nudged me until I told her that I’d sit on the floor of the shower crying and that I’d lost the ability to process any information. The chronology is a blur but I know we first decided I’d take that week off and then, that weekend, she told me I was taking another two weeks and that she was taking over my job. I say “told me” intentionally - I didn’t have the capacity to make decisions for myself and I fully accepted it.?

My days were slow and simple. I slept a lot. I went on a walk every day, first 15 mins then a little longer. I ate lots of carbs - I found pastries gave me a moment of happiness. I watched all of Netflix. I wept to my therapist. I sent fractured WhatsApp messages to anyone around me who I thought would understand.?

There were some awful days. I couldn’t leave the house so I ate jam with shards of glass in (a long story) on old takeaway bread and lay in bed staring at nothing.?

Other days felt good. I felt clear, rested, and frankly a little indulgent that I wasn’t taking responsibility for my work.?

There were times where I was scared of being alone - the black cloud was so heavy I couldn’t remember what the point of anything was. For the first time in my life, I understood what being suicidal might feel like. There were times where I found real counsel in a walk with a friend or dinner with my parents.?

Admitting my workaholism

I wasn’t working so hard because I needed to, but because I am a workaholic.?

It seems odd to me that “workaholic” is such a trivial word. You could get it printed on a t-shirt or a mug. You can’t get an “alcoholic” stash on Etsy.?

Workaholism is serious stuff. First off, it’s an addiction. Both of these were true at the same time:

1. I was totally in denial as to how on the edge I was?
2. I was aware that I needed help and was scrabbling fast to try and fend off an impending collapse?

I had taken big steps to give myself more stability and control: I’d hired someone senior to ease the workload (wonderful Jen), I’d rented a house and the team was growing. The sense I’ve got from people around me that “this was just inevitable” and “I should have seen it coming” is particularly painful. I was trying my very best, but I felt totally trapped.?

Some advice - you CAN look after yourself & those around you

How you might help a friend or colleague?

I’ve found the readily available advice on how to support workaholism quite useless on how to deal with it, but have seen lots of helpful parallels in experience I have of dealing with loved ones suffering from other addictions:

• You can’t cure it?
• You can’t control it?
• You’re not the cause of it?

There is, however, a lot you can do.?

I was held together by a few friends who stepped in and knew how to help. Many others didn’t have the tools, and I feel very grateful that I’d now know how to support someone close to me in need. This is absolutely just what I have felt and observed and will be completely different for everyone.?

They might not have words to explain how they feel, so ask them instead to communicate in numbers. This is how both Bee and my boyfriend, Ben, checked in on me - 0 was suicidal and 10 was the best day ever. Anything 4 or below was cause for real concern.?

Recognise when someone needs solutions or support (and NOT coaching).

1. Coaching - when someone is in a challenging time, but still, in control, they might want questions because they ultimately have the tools to get to the answers themselves.?
2. Solutions - there is nothing worse than feeling trapped in a cycle of “overwhelm”. If you or someone you know or work with is in that position, they don’t need to be coached - they need to have the cycle broken for them.?
3. Support - once the cycle is broken, they just need TLC.?

Imagine they have a temperature of 105. They are ill - they just don’t have data to prove it or symptoms you might have reference points for. This means they need meals made, they need TV recommendations, they need scented candles.?

Do NOT challenge their brain. If someone had a broken ankle you would NOT take them on a walk. Now isn’t the time for challenging conversations. It’s definitely not the time to discuss the habits and behaviours that might have got them to this place. That’s all for a later date, and they need to work that all out on their own in any case.?

Let them take their time - even indulge. Some friends tried to make me laugh to make it go away. I appreciated the effort but found it exhausting. Instead, all I wanted was a tight hug, to be able to cry and not be judged, and for someone to look into my eyes and tell me that there will be a day when I will feel differently.?

Keep checking in. Set a calendar reminder to message every day. It takes 2 seconds and makes them feel like they are not alone when they might be feeling like no one would miss them if they were gone.?

Help them acknowledge it’s real. I wanted to hear that I didn’t seem like myself, so I could get out of the mental loop in my brain that “I just needed to pull it together”. I think for a friend in the future I’d try to help them get comfortable with labels: “It feels like you’ve gone through a burnout, and it might take a few weeks or months for you to feel totally yourself again”.?

How to manage mental health at work

I am an absolute novice here, but have some ideas that I want to test within The Copy Club, and am really interested to continue investigating. Lots of this is probably true of life, and not just work.?

Send an SOS signal. Sometimes you need to spell it out to those around you - this can be a one-line email or WhatsApp message. If you possibly can, articulate that it’s not just a bad week, but something serious. The words “I need help” are very powerful.?

Intrinsically linked… Listen really attentively and truly watch out for those around you. I bet we have all missed SOS signals from friends and colleagues because we’ve not stopped to try and understand whether we are dealing with a crisis or a bad patch.?

Take rest seriously. This is an enormous transition for me and I think I’ve been a terrible role model here for a long time. Rest (evenings, weekends, and holidays) makes your brain perform better. It’s essential and not a luxury.?

-----

Now, I know my warning signs. I can communicate that I am getting into trouble and take action fast. When I am feeling flustered Ben will ask me, “What are you going to do about it?” and I have answers. I hope there is something in this that will resonate with you.?

I found myself talking openly about this episode in a conversation with Dan Pope, and while I really urge you to listen to our chat for more context, and some optimism, here or wherever you get your podcasts.?