2021 reflection

2021 has been the most introspective, self-reflective year I have lived to date.?As I remember using hashtags using those words once I started my business in 2020, I had no idea of what lay before me in the year we are now bringing to a close.

In early 2021, I learned something about myself that I did not know.?In short, I found I could not charge for services.?Quoting from my self-analysis report,

“Even as I write this, tears are flowing.?I did not believe I would be subjected to the intense emotional pain I had felt when I realized I needed to leave my previous employer, but here it was.?And this is something I need to work through if I am going to make it as an entrepreneur, or I need to get out of the field entirely, having realized this deep dark secret I did not know I was carrying.

I have described this as a surgeon who after years of training, presented with an anesthetized patient to cut open independently for the first time realizes is frightened to do so, or a linesman after a didactic training programme on the first day on the job in full protective gear undertaking the first climb realizing at that point an extreme fear of live electricity.?I was absolutely devastated – what on earth had I done?”

I spent the year in profound self-discovery, to find out why I was experiencing the emotions and the resultant behaviour, that being unable to charge for services.?I noted how contrasted this was to a person in a business network I am in, who had claimed that if she wanted to engage in an activity, she would need to be paid for it, as that would serve as the motivation to do the activity.?Or to the some of the networking calls I have engaged in whereby some people blithely claimed, “Everyone wants more money”.?I knew that my position was not like this often espoused one – money has not motivated me, but I did not realize it was to the point of preventing me from running a business.

As such, I engaged in the work to discover the roots of my “money story”.?As much of these memories lie in our childhoods and the way we perceive them, there is a lot in my story that I am not willing to openly share.?However, there are a few memories that are not of this sort, that had elicited strong reaction from me, and helped me understand who I have been, and who I could be.?There are four memories that I have analyzed that I would like to share with you.

Memory #1 – University

Time period in my life - Young Adult

Event - The experience with no food points and pouring sour milk into my instant breakfast before my last exam

Childhood emotions - Abhorrance; I hated that experience - it was an extreme low point for me

Adult interpreted emotions - Fear; Dread; Disgust; Revulsion

Revelation - The utter hopelessness due to being so hungry and needing to write an exam for which I was unprepared anyway; How could I have ended up this way – shame that I can really feel even today.?

This memory elicits very strong emotions from me even to this day – it was one of the lowest points I can remember feeling – being completely unprepared for an exam (I needed to check the course catalogue to even know what we had covered- it was that bad), saving that last pack of Instant Breakfast for days with the last cup of milk in my residence room mini fridge (with all the cafeterias having closed – I having burned through the points to buy anything anyway), and watching the sour milk pour into the Instant Breakfast – knowing I would need to write this exam with virtually no understanding of the semester’s material and being completely hungry – it was awful.?There was no opportunity to get money from anyone to be able to buy something to eat, notwithstanding my family being well off.?The plan I had backfired – saving the meal did not turn out well, and I was completely ashamed of allowing myself to be put into this situation, both physically and in preparation for the exam.?The reason for this deep inquiry into why I have issues charging for services has reminded me of the emotions I felt here – extreme fear, disgust – and these are not pleasant feelings to experience.?

However, allowing myself to revisit this experience and feel the feelings which were not happy has taught me that I can experience them without being brought down completely, and that I need not experience the utter shame and embarrassment that I had felt during this experience.?It is just an experience with uncomfortable emotions, that are helping me learn that even the best laid plans may not work, and that asking for help is not a sign of weakness.

Memory #2 – Meeting up during university

Time period in my life - Young Adulthood

Event - The high school reunion where number of eaten bruchettas were fought over

Childhood emotions - Disgust; I hated that - brings strong memories

Adult interpreted emotions - Disgust; Revulsion

Revelation - It was awful - I think I asked Mike (who was working) to pay the bill just to escape the situation

This was a horrible memorable event.?The excitement to introduce my then boyfriend to people who I hadn’t seen from high school at a restaurant for lunch was something I looked forward to – I like having social events like this.?However, the overall end was awful, as when people put their money into the middle, we were short – and then arguments flew.?The bill was scrutinized, and everyone denied ordering/eating what others were saying they saw them order/eat.?As everyone was on a limited income being university students and being a substantial amount short that was not going to be resolved with the increasing intensity of the accusatory discussion, I believe I just got Mike (my now husband of 25 years) who had a stable job and could pay the difference, to cover the bill.?It was horrible, and not a situation I wanted to revisit.?I likely got imprinted from that people may live beyond their means, and that I have a huge discomfort with that.?Furthermore, that I would rather the discomfort be taken away and just pay for something (even though it wasn’t Mike’s issue to solve) – reminding me of me cleaning up spilled pencil shavings in grade 3 when the whole class was held hostage until the culprit fessed up and cleaned up the mess, even though I did not make the mess.?

This ties to the theme of self sacrifice over wanting to live through a messy situation.?I need to learn to live a bit longer with messy situations instead of swooping in to fix things at my expense.

Memory #3 – Work charity initiative

Time period in my life - Recent

Event- My gut visceral reaction to a collegues’ charitable initiative

Childhood emotions - N/A

Adult interpreted emotions - Disgust; Distaste

Revelation - The guilt I felt that lasted for some time when I (and everyone else for that matter) woefully underpaid for this initiative.?I am glad I had had such a reaction, whereas I am not sure if others did.

This was very revealing to me – I knew that this initiative was at great expense to her and her family (she had said that she, her husband and her daughter worked for 20 hrs straight or something to enable her to pull this off) and knowing that I would pay at least 1.5x if not more from a street vendor for the same food (and this was a charity fundraiser, so she took even less) made me feel awful – as though I was stealing from her, as though I was violating her.?

It was a terrible feeling of taking advantage of someone, although everyone around me was doing the same thing – the whole system permitted it.?It did not exempt me from feeling as though I was doing something terribly wrong, that I was unfairly benefitting from her generosity.?

It has crossed my mind that perhaps people who attend my free monthly webinars could have this same feeling, that they would feel more comfortable paying market price rather than getting the material for free.?Overall – when people are made to feel as though they are taking advantage of something, they may have a strong reaction, as I have had.?

Memory #4 – Model behaviour

Time period in my life - Recent

Event - My reaction to the Future Church homily of the two South American women on foot approaching a toll gate and one giving all her money to pay for both of them to cross.

Childhood emotions - N/A

Adult interpreted emotions - Sadness; Anguish

Revelation - I felt profound shock when I heard this story - a woman giving over all of her money to pay for the both of them (a stranger) simply because the need existed, and she had the money - like we talk about keeping a door open for someone.??This rocked me to my core - profound shame that I do not see the world like that woman does - she is a far better person than me.?And I do not know if I can become more like her.

In reading the Bible (which I realized this year I do not know) I came across Luke 3:8-14.?My reflection on this passage was as follows:

Note what John the Baptist says is not to go and get rid of everything, to become destitute and wanting – he says to be present in the world, to share what is beyond your needs with others, but to ensure that you can sustain yourself.?Specifically, if you have two coats, give one away – not give away both coats. ?Taking yourself out of the game is not helpful - airlines remind us on every flight (back when we could fly) to put your own mask on first before helping others, coast guards and ski patrols tell us they do not appreciate people who go out to save victims but end up needing as much help as the original person in distress, creating two victims where there was once only one.

I will spare you the long version but unlearning my Catholic upbringing has been part of it – specifically idolizing martyrdom – those who give up literally everything for others, is one of the roots of my unwillingness to charge for services.?Humility is not self-sacrifice, understanding that denying one’s own God given talents is not humility, denying one’s deserving share is not humility, taking oneself out of the game is not humility.?Celebrating others for their contributions is humility, as is recognizing one’s own inner beauty – just not being boastful about it.?

There is no shame in living and needing resources to live.?The over accumulation of resources is a societal blight to be certain and having the resources to live (from Luke 3:8-14 having one coat, collect only what is necessary, being satisfied with wages) is a way to live without self-sacrifice and the false pride that accompanies it.

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Overall, in my analysis, I surfaced many memories that I knew I had, but had not thought of for some time, as well as more recent ones.?In doing the work I demonstrate above, I was able to process many of these shadows that I had pushed aside, not realizing the hold that they have had on my thought processes.

There are two main learnings I would like to share about this experience:

1.????You may realize that the memories I chose to share above are “negative”.?However, following Susan David has taught me that emotions are not binary good/bad, but they are just aspects of our human existence that can teach us about ourselves.?Some of the memories I surfaced were raw and unexamined, and in this analysis, I tried my best to give credence to the memory, and to realize it has a role in my self development.?It is not to demonize others who I feel treated me unfairly, but to step back and see a wider picture and see my active participation in the memory.?I did surface some “positive” memories as well, and I needed to put them through the same scrutiny I did all the other memories – to see what they are teaching me about myself.

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2.????I have reflected that this analysis has been instrumental in how I show up in the world – how I have seen myself, and how I can reflect on the memories that created this self image and analyze them for their worth in my life.?This was triggered because I chose to be an entrepreneur, and that I as a result need to charge others money – without that starting the whole process, I do not know if I would have been motivated to undertake this profound self study.?I might have lived my whole life ignorant of the lessons that my entrepreneurial naiveté forced me to face and grow in my self development journey.

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As this is the holiday season, many people may have watched Charles Dicken’s A Christmas Carol.?In that story, Ebenezer Scrooge is forced to reckon with his past – the good and the not so good – and how this past has affected his present and could affect his future.?However, instead of ignoring the messages the spirits showed him, Scrooge chooses to learn from them and change who he was, to be who he became.?

This free will is available to all of us.?We can take control of the direction of our lives, notwithstanding how we might have experienced our pasts.

In undertaking this study, I have learned I am not alone, and that in sharing how I went about doing the analysis I have done might be helpful to others.?While my issue was charging for services, there might be an issue that is bothering you with roots in your past that you know you need to process, but do not know how.?If this is you, please message me (Tanya Hewitt) on LinkedIn – if there is enough interest, I may run a course in January 2022 on how to get at your deep memories and the lessons that lie in their analysis.??

Have a great start to 2022 everyone!

• Tanya Hewitt