2020: A year of turbulence, transition, transformation

My wife and I wrote a holiday letter to our friends and family, and we're sharing it here as well, as our professional life is equal parts a response to the world, and an outgrowth of our personal journey.

Dear Family, Friends + Community,

It will be the job of historians and philosophers for decades to come to make sense of this year. We believe this year is only the beginning of a large-scale transformation from an unjust and extractive political economy towards one of human and ecological flourishing.

If this were A Christmas Carol, we’d say the U.S. is still being visited by the first ghost, as the pandemic has yet to move the nation towards collective responsibility and common cause. This classic story also provides guidance - the way through requires self-reflection, empathy and generosity. We’ve done it before, e.g., The Great Depression, WWII, and we will do it again. God bless us. Everyone.  

On a more personal note, we miss you dearly, even those of you we manage to see online or physically distanced outside. It weighs especially hard on Brandon as he loves being with people. Steph has been tolerant of the increased attention and affection, and of course our cat, Kizzy, loves it. ;)

But nothing beats your faces, your smiles, and breaking bread with you. Nothing beats the spontaneity of our connection, the silly fun and deep conversations we have when gifted with each other’s presence. Our hearts break daily for these missed moments and the anticipatory grief over the many more we will not share because of pandemic precautions.

We are in good health. Steph is 90% pain-free, close to declaring victory on a chronic pain syndrome that she’s been working through for 5 years - thanks to the work of Dr. Sarno, a pioneer in the world of the mind-body connection and the science behind chronic pain. For those of you not aware, Steph has battled pelvic pain for most of our relationship and doctors could only provide a blanket diagnosis, but no cure.

After spending over $60,000 out of pocket on western and holistic methods with multiple diet changes, healers, and eastern medicine doctors, pelvic pain specialists told her last year that they were out of options and she would just need to manage her pain. For Steph, giving up isn’t an option. Declaring 2020 “the year of the Jedi”, she decided she would have to heal herself.

She was introduced to Sarno’s books and TMS (Tension Myositis Syndrome) in March. Six months later, she lives most days pain-free. She highly recommends this work (and that of Dr. Schubiner as well as Nicole Sachs - she has a great podcast) if you live with chronic pain or conditions that doctors have not been able to cure.

Brandon is working on lowering his cholesterol and has not been fully successful in kicking his relationship to nicotine. We’re both heavier than we were before the sequester, but are eating healthy and exercising 5-7 times a week.

Our parents are in good health, dealing with pain and normal aging issues. However, after 10 years of trying to make his relationship work with his Dad, Brandon completed that relationship in May. It’s for the best, but he does miss him.

2020 started out innocently enough. Brandon was enjoying his role as VP, People Science at ion Learning, developing purpose curriculum, conducting research, team building, fundraising and designing leadership and culture solutions for ion’s clients. Steph was working as a Leadership Coach for Torch and beginning to explore a new business model around retreat experiences for female entrepreneurs.

In January, we started looking for a new place to live, as our place in Ocean Beach was too small and right in the flight path of the airport. 300 flights a day, from 6:30am to 11pm, disrupted our sleep, conversations, wifi and peace of mind. We fought more in that house than we ever did the 3 years prior, or since we moved at the end of February. Special thanks to Cheryl (matron of honor), Pat (best man) and our couples’ therapist for helping us navigate 2019. At the time, we thought the worst was over. Ha.

We found, or rather Steph found, an amazing 2 bedroom bungalow in North Park, with built-ins, hardwood floors, fireplace, a walkable, bikeable community, with nearby canyon hikes and Balboa Park, the cultural center of San Diego, with museums, theater and festivals. Steph was a lioness, stalking the house like it was a wounded gazelle. She made sure we were the first to apply to rent it. We painted it, moved in and fell in love with the home, our neighbors and the quality of life in North Park.

Two weeks later, we quarantined, shuttering our plans to build community. We also planned to celebrate Steph’s 40th birthday celebration and Carnegie Hall choral performance in NYC in March, which was of course cancelled. Since then, we’ve invested the time we would have spent at BBQ’s and festivals in home improvement, online programs, craft projects, and zoom gatherings with friends and family.

Steph’s work with Torch was deeply impacted by the pandemic. She lost 70% of her income between March and April. It’s rebounded a little, but it created the space for her to look into new opportunities. She’s now also working as a coach and facilitator for Move the Crowd, a coaching and training company that serves a diverse community of impact-driven entrepreneurs. As the only white person on the team working with powerful women of color, it continues to be an incredibly rewarding experience for her.

Brandon’s work with ion ended in October. The pandemic shuttered or postponed a good deal of ion’s client work and funding opportunities, but somehow the founders always found a way to make payroll (until October). He enjoyed his role and working relationships and is proud to have published a landmark study on scalable culture change utilizing small groups of diverse peers.

Brandon is especially grateful for the opportunity to immerse himself in diversity and inclusion work, developing incredible relationships inside and outside of ion. Inspired by what he was learning, his purpose began to shift towards activating that of the United States. Seeing our political dysfunction, police brutality and countless missed opportunities to fulfill on our purpose - E Pluribus Unum and “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness”- he became increasingly drawn to enter into public service in some fashion.

Watching the last 8 minutes and 46 seconds of George Floyd’s life changed everything. He spent the better part of that week horizontal, heartbroken, in shock. Racial justice and fulfilling on the purpose of America were no longer one day, someday. It had become his fight.

Or rather it became our fight, as we have accelerated our own inner work to dismantle our biases, internalized racism and polarization, taking trainings from SURJ, AwareLA, the ManKind Project and Braver Angels. Steph launched a book club for friends and family to explore these issues, which was one of the highlights of our year, and now is actively involved in her local SURJ chapter as a facilitator.

In July, Brandon began working on the concept of Unity Lab to heal the soul of our nation using an approach that points ion’s best-in-class culture change method (small, diverse groups of 4 people learning new skills in peer-facilitated conversations) at our country’s deepest divisions, which are not just black vs. white and red vs. blue, but LGBTQIA vs hetero, boomer vs. millenial and rural vs. urban. 

In October, he launched Unity Lab to fulfill on the purpose of the United States by activating a culture of empathy, trust and solidarity. He’s just completed a 5-week pilot, where groups of 4 diverse Americans learned conscious communication skills together. In January, he will be focused locally here in San Diego. San Diego is a frequent choice to test concepts and new offerings, as it is a “purple city”, boasting an incredibly diverse population (64 languages are spoken in City Heights schools) and economy (ag, tourism, biotech, defense, etc.).

He’s also built a diverse board of 8 subject matter experts, submitted a culture policy brief to the Biden-Harris administration, joined the Weaving Community coalition of 300+ related healing / bridging efforts, and is in discussions with potential co-founders. In order to dedicate time to this new endeavor, he has secured coaching and consulting contracts.

We did manage to work in some fun and safe travel (tests, masks + distancing). For July 4th, we visited Brandon’s parents in Mariposa, and celebrated our second anniversary in Yosemite. In August, Brandon, his cousin Elliott and cousin Carla’s husband Jim drove to Indiana to help his Aunt Kerry pack up the Peele family’s lake house for sale and move her out to Tucson. They camped, built fires, sang songs, played poker and laughed for 8 days. It was great fun to pour through family history and ensure the Peele family heirlooms found new homes. We also managed to cross the border a couple of times to bask in the Mexican sun with tacos and margaritas.

Although we don’t want to scare you, we have some concerning news to share. Our house was one of many that has been targeted by domestic terrorists due to our support for Black Lives Matter. Our address and a picture of our house were posted on the DarkNightSD instagram feed. The discussion centered around forming a militia to punish the “tyrants”. SDPD were useless, suggesting we take down our signs. We filed a report with the FBI and have learned from a friend at the DOJ that we are not alone. It is nationwide. Just here in San Diego there are over 30 registered hate groups. This of course is deeply concerning, and makes the work of empathy, civility and unity all the more critical.

We hope 2021 brings us all a revolution in safety, prosperity, peace, love and connection. Thanks for listening. Till next time, stay safe + stay classy.

Love,

Steph + Ofsteph