2020 Retrospective: What Do I Want to Be Valued For?

Sometimes we don't know where we want to be, but we know it's not here. That was me in 2019 as I drifted into 2020.

On paper everything looked great: I was doing meaningful work supporting other Indigenous game devs, I was being invited to participate in amazing opportunities, and I was working on interesting side projects. But I wasn't excited or energized. In fact, through most of 2019 I was starting to dread waking up. Weekends were spent in a daze and this was before we even knew about COVID.

It all came to a head in January while I was working as an instructor at the Banff Centre for a one month artist residancy. I was depressed and listless in the middle of beautiful mountains, strong pines and clean air. I was angry at myself for squandering this opportunity, for not getting anywhere with my studio in the last three years, and cursing my lack of support back home. I was in a rage, I was sad all the time, I was losing myself. I hadn't worked on a new piece in over two years, my studio was flagging and Hill Agency was in what I could only discribe as "Pre-Development Hell."

Sure I was a good worker, sure I was praised for my great ideas, sure people thought that video games were the next big thing in Indigenous art, but every day for me was a fight to be heard or valued beyond "puts on a good event" or "teaches well" or "is great at supporting others." And that was the heart of my problem: was I wasn't being valued for what I wanted to be valued for.

So I started thinking: What did I actually want to be valued for?

What exactly did I want to be doing? What did I want people to tell me "Good Job" for? And if I didn't know where I wanted to be, where didn't I want to be? So in Feburary as COVID19 decended on us my studio was accepted into a video game incubator. I made the leap and quit imagineNATIVE to run Achimostawinan Games full time. Scary was an understatement and as we went into the first of many lockdowns I started to question if this was a good idea. I was 100% responsible for myself now and felt like I had no idea what I was doing. But as March became April and April turned into May a funny thing happened. Creeping up on me like a happy surprise: I was waking up earlier, I was more productive and weekends were actual breaks now that I no longer needed to cram 40 hrs of indie studio work into two days.

I wasn't being valued for what I wanted to be valued for.

Obviously things were not perfect: the incubator closed indefinately, I was scared for my family, I was stressed every time I needed to go out, I missed going to local industry events or even just being able to work away from home. But even still, the days weren't so hard anymore and it looked like things were picking up as my programmer and I jumped fully into prototype development on Hill Agency. Then the set backs began to happen: I could no longer stay in my appartment and ended up moving three times between June and September. Early on I had taken on ill-thought out contract work at too low a fee and they were staring to pile up. AchimoGames was denied protoyping funding and various members of my team were facing unexpected barriers and circumstances caused by COVID19. Rejection after rejection from funders and publishers plauged Hill Agency.

Summer and Fall were not fun to say the least.

But then in drips and drabs things got easier, things started moving forward, and in December I looked around and I realized: I was where I wanted to be! I know 2021 will be full of it's own difficulties and trials. I still struggle with my mental health. I miss my family and friends who I have not seen in person since September, and I have no way of knowing if things will get easier. But unlike January 1st 2020 I'm starting 2021 in the place I want to be. And for me, that's a long way to have come in a year because now I know what I want to be valued for: I want to be valued for the art I make. I want to be valued as a leader to my team. I want to be valued for making digital experinces. I want to be valued for crafting new worlds for Indigenous people to see themselves in.

And knowing means I can work towards inhabiting that place where I am valued for what I want to be valued for.