2020: depression & the only real solution

This post isn’t for all of you. It’s for those of you who struggle with difficult feelings that might get harder at this time of year.

I’m going to talk about feeling depressed or lost, down, apathetic, directionless, stuck. For ease, in this post my name for all these feelings is depression.

It’s all part of a spectrum.

And feels horrible no matter where you are.

And I’m going to talk about what I believe is the only way out.

Because it’s an epidemic.

So if you’re onboard with that, let’s go!

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A lot of us feel pressure with a new year around the corner. Pressure to do better, be better, take all those risks we couldn’t find time or courage for last year.

Or.

We’re relieved the year is ending. As if all the difficulties will suddenly disappear on the stroke of midnight.

It can be a pressure-filled time. And this pressure isn’t new – most of us are judging ourselves chronically and daily. But it can be heightened over the holiday season.

So if you’ve been having a rough time, here’s a hug from me to you… *hug*

Feelings of depression often accompany a sense that you’re destined for something else but either will never be able to have it (a lie) or will never know what it is (an ego trap).

Some people are waiting for someone to say to them: 

“I got you – now go for it”

“It’s okay if you f**k up, you won’t be alone”

“You don’t have to do that anymore”

“No – it doesn’t have to perfect”

“You deserve to feel happy”

“You are worthy”

“You are enough”

Waiting for permission or approval before they’re willing to stop pretending to be someone they’re not.

Liang's Story

Recently I was hired by Liang to help him navigate a complicated and, honestly, unhealthy corporate culture. He’s a VP at one of the huge multi-national corporations. You know, the ones some of us want to work at. The one’s that we want on our resumes because we’ll be seen as credible. The ones that are often (not always) sucking the life out of their employees.

Anyway, Liang wanted to improve his leadership skills, especially managing Up. Managing down – he knew he was good at this.

So we began.

Early on it became very clear why he’d lost confidence in his abilities to work effectively with supervisors. He’d been choosing jobs with well-known companies, and cultures that were, frankly, abusive and not likely to grow anyone’s potential.

Liang was a skillful and natural leader who was consistently choosing boss’s who micro-managed, focused on his failings, didn’t listen to his ideas, and had him working crazy hours. And he falsely believed that if he left his career would be over.

But here’s the real kicker. 

I asked him if the dynamic with these boss’s, and how he felt with them, was at all familiar. And he paused for a while before looking at me, quite surprised, and said:

“Yes! It’s like my relationship with my father.”

And that was the start of a shift. Because Liang isn’t really a corporate guy striving to climb the ladder.

Not in his heart.

In his heart he wants to lead large numbers of people and do mission-based work in the world.  

He’ll always make a lot of money because he’s wired that way. But now he’s looking to pivot into cultures where he can be mentored and set up to succeed.

And that means letting go of the pressure he’s taken on from his family. Pressure to be an executive of a particular kind, and build wealth in a particular way. To marry a particular kind of woman, and behave in a particular kind of way. His family want security for him, but there are other ways…

He has to let go of trying to be someone he’s not, and be willing to risk losing the approval of his family in the process.

A Familiar Story

Liang’s story is a common one, and you know what he suffered from?

Daily anxiety, occasional insomnia, people-pleasing, stress, self-doubt, low confidence, being single (not what he wanted), and a general feeling of being down. Liang was separated from his true self, which meant he felt a form of depression.

For those of us that struggle and struggle and struggle with difficult feelings that drain the light out of our eyes and chip away at the hope in our hearts – this year we must find a way to start living in alignment with who we really are. 

Your only job this year is to reintroduce yourself to You. Let the parts of yourself that you’ve hidden away come out from underground into the daylight.

Start to journal – write about what you want and why you can’t have it, write about how you feel about different areas of your life, write about who you ‘think’ you might be and who you wish you were; draw pictures, go for walks, reflect, reflect, reflect. 

Do what you really know you need to do…

Start getting to know yourself again. And don’t stop.

Turn IN if you want to turn on.

No. It’s not easy, especially if you’ve been stuck for a while. But the Only way out is in your hands, which is the good and the bad news all at the same time. And you don’t need anyone’s permission but your own.

Well okay – if you do, then here’s mine – You have full permission to start being more You!

You got this.

Speaking as a woman who’s struggled with feeling down, with self-confidence challenges, and with record-breaking levels of self-criticism – I can relate.

But I keep getting back in the game and as a result I’ve taken huge risks with my life and career over the years.

All in service of breaking out of societal, familial and eventually self-perpetuated ideas of who I should be.

And whenever I’ve followed my crazy gut instinct, it has Always led me closer to my true home, and things have wound up being much better. 

But most importantly, each time I’ve done that I’ve reclaimed a part of myself and feel closer to living a purposeful life.

And trust me – if I can do it, you definitely can.

So okay – 2020 is here in a few hours. My wish for you is that this coming year you get in touch with more of yourself. And you bravely share more of yourself with the world.

Trust me. You’ll feel a whole lot better.

What to do?

Choose one – only one – desire that gets your heart rate up and give yourself a year to achieve it. One thing. You can do that.

(And get the heck out of relationships in any area of your life that are causing you to silence who you are. Go find some people – there are plenty of them – who’ll lift you up and encourage you to make the difficult changes.)

This kind of action-taking, regardless of how you’re feeling is the only real solution to feelings of depression.

And guess who’s hands all of this is in? 

• Even though you might not feel that way.
• Even though you might have convinced yourself that everyone else can but you definitely can’t.
• Even though you have no tangible evidence.

It’s in your hands.

And your life is going by anyway, and it’s precious – just as you are; and the world is extraordinary, and people are mostly good - so it's actually quite easy to avoid the less savoury characters. :)

Happy new year. Time to climb out and up.

Clara