2019's Biggest Takeaway

No, I’m not talking about food (for once). If you’re reading this in January, you might feel sick at the thought of it by now.

I’ve been doing my usual, tedious ‘end of year reflection’ which seems to have become a 4-6-week process and would bore most of you to tears. But this year I came to one big conclusion which is worth sharing. Not because it’s a lesson which is relevant just to me, but because I think it’s a universal rule which is true for everyone.

Yes, I’ve discovered the one secret of life, the universe and everything, and now I’m going to sell it back to you in a ‘New Year, New You’ Personal Development Program!

Not quite. But it’s a little golden rule that can be useful to remember, especially at times when we feel like we are struggling, and we don’t know what to do about it.

Here it is:

 Community is everything

[ Side note: the Netflix series 'Community' is also EVERYTHING. Watch it now and thank me later. ]

If you’re fiercely independent, an introvert or in any way sociopathic, this idea might sound like your personal idea of hell. But hear me out.

I would put myself in the ‘fiercely independent’ category and at the beginning of last year, I fully bought into the ‘heroic solopreneur’ narrative. I was determined to set up my own business to make my own way in the world, setting my own rules as I went, relying on nothing and no one outside of myself to succeed.

But what I’ve found is that’s not how the world works.

Like it or not, we NEED other people around us. That’s not just because our businesses would be very short lived if we didn’t have customers, but fundamentally, other people help us THRIVE in many unique and unexpected ways.

I don’t know where I’d be right now without the support of the community in my co-working space.

I don’t know and I don’t want to know.

Being surrounded by a diverse group of inspiring, interesting and downright badass business owners has been nothing short of incredible. I’ll be doing a series of articles focusing on the benefits of co-working because I’ve found them to be hundred-fold, but the biggest takeaway for me from the whole experience is this:

WE CAN ALL ACHIEVE SO MUCH MORE WHEN WE ARE PART OF A COMMUNITY.

And I don’t just mean in terms of tangible business objectives.

I mean we benefit from each other’s wisdom, insights, ideas, support and encouragement.

We learn about ourselves if we’re willing to take feedback on board.

We can look after ourselves better when we trust other people to look out for us a little bit.

We benefit from emotional and social support when we realise we’re not alone in a big scary world just because we run a business independently; we’re surrounded by people who are on our wavelength who can help us along.

A lot of amazing things can happen when a group of people sit in a room together and engage with each other. It’s pretty fucking magical to me, but of course it’s rooted in science.

Our bodies release oxytocin which is commonly known as the ‘sex hormone’ or ‘cuddle chemical’ because it’s strongly connected to our genitals and is released when we orgasm. But it really facilitates a sense of connection with others. We create it when we laugh, talk and even just exist around other people in the real world.

We think we can connect with other people online and this is true to a certain extent, but the level of connection is limited because it doesn’t create the same physical response in our bodies.

An interesting fact that demonstrates the point concerns the communities with the highest concentration of centenarians in the world. 

The defining characteristic of what leads to so many people reaching 100 years old in these communities doesn't involve their diet or exercise routines, as was previously believed. These things have a positive influence, but not as much as one other factor.

The defining factor is the amount of incidental social interactions they have.

In other words, the number of interactions they have with random people as part of their everyday lives. Not even their close friends and loved ones – just Gladys in the supermarket and Pablo in the pub.

A lot of us can understand and appreciate the need to focus on the quality of our close relationships, but many of us don’t realise how important it is for us to just be out in the world coexisting with strangers.

This could be in any number of small ways:

- Talking to the bus driver as we’re scanning our pass.

- Choosing to use a checkout with a human rather than self-serve.

- Making conversation with someone in the coffee shop queue.

- Saying hello to people we run past.

Again, maybe an introvert’s nightmare, but the science holds up for most of us.

We can force ourselves into self-imposed isolation by putting barriers up with our technology or lifestyles. How often have we chosen to put our headphones in and listen to a conversation on a podcast rather than hold our own? [Ahem, incidentally, I fully recommend the Dark Coffee Podcast and definitely think you should abandon your personal relationships in favour of it…]

Putting up these barriers effectively means that we are opting out of society.

I can see the appeal: to a certain extent it can be for self-preservation. Modern life can feel overwhelming a lot of the time. As an ‘ambivert’ I find myself in need of significant and intensive recharge time where I remove myself from everyone until I can hear myself think again, and during bouts of depression, it can be counterproductive to force myself into social situations. There will always be times when it’s important to preserve our sense of self and find ways to switch off.

But a lot of us are surprised by what happens when we opt into some social situations.

[Co-working camaraderie levels may not reach 'Spartan' levels. But pretty close.]

One of the most common remarks in our co-working space is a variation on “I wasn’t in the mood to come in today but I’m glad I did, I feel much better for it.”

I’ve seen first-hand how many people have benefitted from bringing their business into a shared space. It never ceases to amaze me how many incidental conversations lead to breakthroughs, communal workspaces lead to friendships and common values lead to business partnerships.

That’s because we’re social creatures by nature. We are DESIGNED for connection. We NEED it in order to feel fulfilled. 

I can fall for the hustle culture bullshit as much as the next person and dream of being a ‘strong independent woman’ who doesn’t need anybody else to be happy.

But I’m gradually learning that this isn’t the best way to live your life. Communities matter. We’re better together - and if that idea helps me live to 100 then it’s worth remembering! 

The Dark Coffee Podcast is available wherever you stream from. The New Year special episodes are linked in the comments below, featuring Dark Coffee Collaborator Grace Hall.