2018: Leading With Empathy

I guess I have to admit it, I'm one of those people... one of them. You know their type. The ones that set yearly goals for themselves? I don't like them much either. I don't usually talk about my goals, mostly not to jinx it. And also because I read a great book a while back (Tribal Leadership) that talked about how if you need to talk about a mentality or a goal (or core values), they aren't real. People should be able to sense it. So, I'm going to break that rule but really as more of an accountability measure. If I type these words out and send them into the ether then I know that I have people in my life that will hold me accountable to them. Also, I grow from learning from others and sending this out gives me the chance to learn the type of empathy people look for in those around them. That sounds pretty much on target for what this year is about.

In 2018 my goal for the year is empathy. Depending on who you are and how well you know me this goal might seem somewhat specious, and perhaps even a bit silly. But I think those closest to me would say this is probably spot on (or about damn time). In my industry I've sort of built a reputation over the last 3-5 years. One word people have used to describe me is shark. They usually mean that I have a killer instinct, when I see something that I want I'm unrelenting in my pursuit and I don't stop until I kill it. I love to compete and in our industry that typically comes in the form of telling stories (writing proposals) or as I call it... "getting into the arena." I love the process, I love figuring out exactly what the problems are and weaving together a story for the client on how we are going to make them successful. I've spent a lot of time working on it and I'm obsessed with getting better at it. I want our clients to read our proposals and feel like we are obsessed with their success above all else (spoiler alert, we are). However, that has sometimes given people the impression that I will do anything to win, which isn't exactly true, but I can respect how sometimes I have made others feel that way. And someone who you perceive is solely focused on winning doesn't always come across as the most empathetic leader, and I can respect that too. So, this year is partially about that. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not worried about changing perceptions of people that don't really know me, nor am I going to give up my relentless pursuit of providing the absolute best solutions for customers in written, verbal, or technical form; but I am truly examining what actions I've taken and what actions I will take with the intention of exuding and leading with empathy for those that do know me.

Leadership requires a lot of things.  A good friend and a great leader told me recently, "if you look at great leaders they all have different qualities and methods, there is no one way to be a leader, there is just the way that works for you." And that struck me because empathy is not exactly my go to move. That isn't to say that I don't care, but true empathy-- the act of putting yourself in someone else’s shoes, has usually escaped me. In my defense, I would argue that empathy can be a tricky thing because as a leader you can't let empathy for one person overcome the goals of the many. As you climb an organization you see the level of difficulty for having empathy increase as the number of people you have to support increases as well. But I also watch great leaders that I admire and while there might not be a trait common to all leaders, the ones I'm drawn to seem to have a knack for showing empathy. It sets them apart and if it draws me to them, I'm sure it draws others as well. Coincidentally, the great leaders I've had the honor of getting to know all seem to notice I lack it at times and encourage me to spend more time on empathy. So, for 2018, here goes nothing...

My leadership style, in my view, is based mostly on two qualities: honesty and planning. When I'm at my best I'm honest with those on my team about where it is we are going and what success will look like along the way. I don't like secrets and I don't like hidden agendas. I believe employees/employers, buyers/sellers, and consultants/clients are most likely to succeed when they are clear about their true desires and align them with each other’s mutual success. I'm also keenly interested in their opinions on what success and failure are and developing markers for what failure might look like and what we will do to avoid failure (or course correct if we should encounter it). That is where my planning side comes out. I think success is truly born from failure; simply because you just know what to avoid. The comedian Christopher Titus has a line I've always loved, "I don't fail, I succeed in finding what doesn't work." And while those leadership qualities (honesty and planning) are good, they don't leave much room for empathy sometimes. I can be very guilty of being frustrated when I see people make mistakes I feel had obvious signs of failure leading up to them. "We talked about (planned) this," are words I’ve heard myself say. And if I'm honest I think that has hurt me and hurt the teams I've led. So, this is where empathy can hopefully come in. My approach to empathy right now comes down to this...

1.   Why did they make a mistake? This is a pretty common leadership step. No secrets here. (Honesty)

2.   What steps are we going to take to identify the mistake and correct it? Again, pretty basic. Sprinkle in some preventative measure for future mistakes and now we're talking my language. (Planning)

3.   What feelings did this mistake elicit from this person? And what are their feelings going to be along the journey back to success? Now we are in what is sometimes uncharted territory. (Empathy)

We all make mistakes and in the end that is probably the key. I know what it's like to mess up, I know what shame is. I've got the t-shirt, as they say. Hell, sometimes I feel like I was on tour with the band. But I think the key to empathy is really exploring that feeling itself. What does it take for someone to feel it (shame, failure, etc.) and truly get over it? What does it take to know: yes... I am flawed, I did fail, but failure is temporary and the support (leadership, family, friends, etc.) that surrounds me knows that, they've been through it and they see a path back to success for me. That path isn't always simple and it isn't always without consequences, but it is a journey that we can take with others that know what it is to fail. That is the empathy I want to exude and that is the person I want people to know.

So, I'll close with my story of failure that was temporary, but others led me back. Those who know me know that I am very proud of the fact that I served in Special Operations Aviation. Specifically, I flew on an AC-130U gunship with over 100 combat missions. What most don't know is that I almost didn't make it. Not through the training, but through my first deployment. Training was actually pretty easy for me, the job just always made sense to me. It was literally about honesty (be clear and concise about what is going on around you) and planning (understand the possible outcomes from the scenarios and plan/respond to them). I was actually pretty natural at that. So, after graduating at the top of my class I made the horrible mistake of thinking I was good at my job, even though I had zero real world evidence to back that up. What you learn very quickly in combat is that the speed and violence of that scenario is much like the transition you hear sports analysts talk about when transitioning from NCAA Football to the NFL. You hear them say all the time, "the game is much faster." Even in baseball you hear players talk about how they started to succeed when they "learned to slow the game down." That all sounds great but honestly that just sounded cool, I never had any idea what they meant. But in September of 2007 I learned what they meant very quickly. First of all, I got swatted down very quickly for being overly confident (OK maybe arrogant) about the fact that I knew what I was doing. Second, I got paired with a crew for which empathy was not exactly a skill set they had been trained for either. What ensued was probably the toughest 3-4 months of my life (up until then). I learned, not nearly quickly enough, that I was not prepared for the speed and violence of combat and more importantly that being arrogant about something like that is a fast track to being exiled in a community where hard-won experience, and nothing else, is the currency of the day. I came back from that deployment shredded, I really wondered if I was cut out for the community. I had wanted to be in Spec Ops since before I joined the military and it had taken 3+ years to get my shot at it once I was in. More importantly I had made it through the training (with a 50%+ washout rate), so how could I possibly not be cut out for this? Read any book about SEAL training and every single one will tell you the difference between the people who make it and the people who don't is desire and refusing to fail, nothing else. I won't compare the training we went through to BUDs but they don't exactly hand you your patch in gunship training either. When I went through, only those who were really cut out for the job could make it. But at the time, I wasn't cut out for it, and it was obvious. Finally, I got the courage to do something... something that seemed really stupid. I went to one of the most experienced people in our community (who was not my biggest fan) and asked for help. When I asked to talk with him he was not happy to see me. I told him in very clear terms I knew, "I sucked," and that at that moment, "I didn't deserve to be there" and if I had any chance to make it, "I needed to change and I was willing to do whatever it took to get there." What was funny is that he immediately relaxed and said, "come with me." He took me out of the room and proceeded to systematically dismantle me. It was done in a very professional way, but it wasn't exactly a pep talk either, except one thing. He showed me the path I needed to take back to where I wanted to be, and he gave me examples of the kinds of mistakes people make along the way. It was also clear (now, if not then) that he had made mistakes to get where we was. That always stuck with me, and I took that path. By the time I left the community I was a solid crew member. I was chosen for tough missions over others because I knew my job (through hard-won experience) and given the chance to take a new person on their first deployment. I told him every single detail of that story about how I failed, many not mentioned here. So maybe in the end that was my form of empathy and I just didn't know it. As I've gotten older I realize that if I want to succeed I have to institutionalize that side of me. Because, while I appreciate that others may think I'm good at my job (aka a shark that doesn't see failure as an option), what I really want them to know is that I'm a product of mistakes and shame just like they are. And learning from those mistakes has given me tools to fail less, to "succeed in finding what doesn't work" and use that to my advantage. And if those lessons can help others be more successful, I'm happy to share.