I Submit to You (Christian & Anastasia - Snippet #2)

.....

Once Taylor’s footsteps retreats, and distances, I lean down and scoop Leila off the floor, and carry her to Anastasia’s bathroom. I stand Leila on her feet by the tub, and close the door so she doesn’t make any attempt to run away. But she is contrite and she won’t run. She gazes at me lovingly. I feel responsible for her current state even though it is triggered by tragic events. She sought me, and in a fucked up way I understand all too well, she tried to exact some revenge upon me and from Anastasia. So I know that deep down, she feels I wronged her. Considering how fucked up I am, it wouldn’t be the first time I wronged someone.

“Leila, I will be right back. You sight tight, okay?” I ask gently. She nods. I step into the kitchen area and dial Dr. Flynn’s number.

“Christian?” He answers questioning.

“John, I found Leila,” I reply.

“Oh what a relief. Where are you?”

“I’m cleaning her up right now, but we are at Anastasia’s apartment. She broke into her apartment, and was holding a gun at Anastasia here!”

“Good God!”

“Yeah! Tell me about it. You already have a place standby for her. I need you to come and collect her from here, and take her to the facility.”

“Yes, of course. Give me the address, and let me get a mental health nurse with me, and I shall be there shortly,” he says.

“Anastasia?” I ask, and he shakes his head. I take Leila into Anastasia’s bedroom, and deposit her on Ana’s full bed. I check the dressers and find some underwear, jeans and a shirt. After drying Leila, I put Anastasia’s clothes on her which hang loose on Leila.

My Blackberry buzzes in my pocket.

“Grey,” I say curtly.

“Christian, we are downstairs. Black cruiser. Do you want us come up?”

“Not necessary John. I’ll bring her down.”

“Leila,” I say softly to her. “Dr. Flynn is here. We need to get you some help. Okay?”

“I’m scared Master,” she whispers.

“Don’t be. You’ll be well taken care of. I’ll make sure of that.”

I find a blanket in Anastasia’s closet, and I wrap Leila in it.

“I’m going to take you downstairs now.” She nods.

“Yes, sir,” he says.

Taylor opens the front door holding it back for me and Leila to pass through. Once we exit, he closes and locks the door. Even though I kicked it in, it wasn’t locked and didn’t break the top lock. Taylor will have to have the bottom one replaced tomorrow.

I make my way downstairs to find John Flynn in his jeans and t-shirt with a no nonsense nurse in light blue scrubs. The nurse opens the left passenger door, and I enter with Leila in my arms. Dr. Flynn drives off towards the mental health facility he has arranged for Leila in Fremont. We are there in less than twenty minutes. John drives from a back entrance after punching in a code with the tall main wrought iron gates, and Taylor follows us from behind.

When we reach the facility, two more orderlies are waiting dressed in scrubs. Leila is still in my arms.

“Leila, Dr. Flynn is going to make sure you get the help you need. I’m going to leave you here, and they’ll take good care of you. Sort your problems, and fix you.”

She looks scared.

“Don’t be scared. I won’t let anyone harm you. You’ll be completely fine. You can do some of the things you like here, like painting. You still like painting?”

A faint glimmer comes to her eyes as she nods.

“Okay then. I’m going to put you in this wheelchair now, and,” I say pointing John, “this is Dr. Flynn, and he’s going to make sure you get all the help you need. If you need to say anything to me, you will have to get through Dr. Flynn. Do you understand?”

She nods.

“Come on, Leila. Let’s get you in and settled,” says John softly but in his authoritative Dr. voice. Leila’s gaze softens, and she looks at me once more.

“He died, Master. He got killed,” she says about her lover.

“I know Leila. I’m sorry. I really am. I will do all I can to help you. But you can’t go around waving a gun and taking people hostage. You can’t go scaring Anastasia. Do you understand?”

“You love her Master?” she asks surprising me, looking directly into my eyes.

“Yes,” I say softly after a long minute. “I do.” She nods again. “I’m glad,” she replies.

“Goodbye, Leila,” I say and turn back to find Taylor.

“Let’s get back to Escala, Taylor. How was Miss Steele when you dropped her off at the apartment?”

Taylor shifts his feet uncomfortably. His demeanor says she didn’t go to Escala.

“Where the fuck did she go?” I shout at Taylor fuming, seething with anger.

“Mr. Grey, she wouldn’t go to Escala. I told her that you wanted her to go to the apartment, but she said she’s going out with Ethan for a quick drink and then head back to Escala. She said that now we know where Leila is. No need for all the security, and to tell you she’ll see you later.”

“Fuck! Fuck! Shit!!” I say through gritted teeth as I forcefully run both hands through my hair.

“I need to call her!” I say, but Taylor shifts more. “What?” I bellow poisonously.

“She forgot her purse in the SUV, sir,” he says.

I punch my hand forcefully in anger, and ask, “So, you have no idea where she is?”

“No, sir.”

“Have you seen what direction she went?”

“They were on foot, but they could have taken a cab, sir. So, no, I have not.”

“Fuck! Did she say any other thing?”

“She was so distraught, and asked me if did a sweep of her apartment. I told her we did. I’m sorry Mr. Grey!” he says angry with himself. “Leila has been eluding us all. I feel terrible about it. Especially for Miss Steele. I feel horrible finding her with a gun pointed to her head. I’m so sorry!” says Taylor shaking his head, completely devastated.

“Let’s go!” I say without another word, and get into the SUV. Taylor drives me to Escala.

Mrs. Jones is in the kitchen fixing dinner for me.

“Gayle! Has Anastasia come home?” I ask.

“No, Mr. Grey, she hasn’t,” she replies noting a lot of anger vibrating from me.

“Would you like something to eat sir?” she asks softly. I shake my head.

“Later,” Taylor is right behind me.

“Taylor, I want you to take the security, and scout for Anastasia one bar at a time in the entire city of Seattle! Call me the minute you find her. Check the streets, check everything. Leave no stone unturned! Do you understand?“

“Yes, sir,” he says and quickly disappears into his office.

I take my Blackberry out, and dial Welch’s number.

“Welch here,” he replies.

“Welch, can you find the cell phone number of an Ethan Kavanagh?”

“It might take me time, sir,” he responds.

“Time, I don’t have! I need to locate him; trace his cell phone location, now!”

“Do we know what carrier he’s with?”

“No clue! This is where you come in with your mad detective skills!” I hiss.

“I can check sir; it’s a shot in the dark, but it might take me a couple of hours.”

“10 minutes only! Get to it, and let me know what you find out!”

Taylor and his detail has already left to check various bars in Seattle, and check the streets. I’m anxious, ready to combust, scared that Anastasia will leave me after the scene played out before her. My life is going down the fucking drain, and there is not a thing I can do about it!

I dial Taylor’s phone.

“Yes, sir,” he says in a strained voice.

“I need updates immediately.”

“We’re taking different direction sir. We’ve divided the town into quadrants, and each of us is taking a certain location, and we’re going spread out to cover as many bars as possible.”

“Fine! Update me after leaving each bar.”

“Yes, sir!” he replies firmly.

I go to the kitchen and pour myself some brandy. I don’t usually drink hard liquor at this time, but this is not a usual time. My Blackberry buzzes, and I answer immediately.

“Welch is here, Mr. Grey,” he says and hope springs in me.

“Any news?”

“Mr. Grey, I’ve found the carrier, and the phone number for Ethan Kavanagh, but I think either his phone is out of power, or turned off. It’s off the grid, sir,” he says disappointed. I have a shattered feeling inside me.

“Shit!” I bellow.

“Is there anything else I can do for you sir?” he asks.

“No!” I say hanging up.

I down my brandy in one large gulp, and pour myself another one, and down that one, too. I pace back and forth in the great room. No fucking news! No phone calls! Why Ana? Why don’t you ever listen to me? Why can’t you for once do as you are told? Why? Why do you torture me so?

I go to Taylor’s office, and check all the cameras and look to see if she’s coming. Nothing! No one is coming! I have an ominous feeling that this is it, that she will leave me for good! Oh fuck! I don’t know what to do! I don’t know where to find her! Where could she go? She has no key. What if she’s gone with Kavanagh to stay at a hotel? Is Kavanagh comforting her now? Holding her? Easing her pain? Fuck!

I pace back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. If the floor was carpet, I would have worn a track already! My Blackberry buzzes again.

“Mr. Grey, Sawyer has checked a bar thoroughly, and there is no sign of Miss Steele.”

“Where are you now?”

“I’m at O’Malley’s, just a little north of Miss Steele’s apartments,” he says and loud noises and basketball announcer possibly from a TV can be heard in the background.

“Any sign of her?” I ask pacing back and forth again by the piano.

“I’m still searching sir. I even checked the ladies room,” he says chagrined. I hear the double doors open into the great room. My head snaps up, and there is Anastasia three sheets to the wind!

“She’s here,” I snap at Taylor, and disconnect the line.

I turn to Anastasia and glare at her with ferocity. “Where the fuck have you been?” I ask her with fuming anger.

She sways where she’s standing, her eyes blink.

“Have you been drinking?” I ask angrily. She’s not supposed to be drinking excessively like this! We’ve agreed upon that. It was one of the rules. I know we don’t follow them anymore, but it’s common sense!

“Just a little bit,” she answers me shrugging. She’s making me fucking angry. Always disobeying, always doing what she wants to do! I run my hand through my hair in complete helpless exasperation. I can’t even go towards her, because I’m so angry. She’s going to be scared of me and run!

“I told you to come back here back in your apartment,” I say in a menacingly quiet voice. “It is now ten fifteen. Do you know how worried I’ve been about you?” I ask.

“I went for a drink..” she says, then amending, “or three with Ethan while you were attending your... ex,” she hisses poisonously. “I didn’t know how long you were going to be with...” she says swallowing. Her mouth makes a small ‘o’ to exhale some toxic air from her body. Then she continues, “...with her,” completely giving up, sad, and defeated. Oh no! no! no! Don’t do that to me! Don’t give up on me!

I narrow my eyes and look at her trying to assess her, not wanting her to run. I take a few slow steps towards her, but noticing her stance, I stop.

“Why do you say it like that?”

She shrugs exhausted, and looks down at her fingers as if they possess the answers she’s seeking. She’s checking out of her body, out of her mind, out of our relationship!

“Ana, what’s wrong?” I ask with horror in my voice.

She just stands there, looking at her knotted fingers, not wanting to look at my eyes. She finally lifts her head up, and swallows.

“Where is Leila?”

“She’s taken to a psychiatric hospital in Fremont,” I say trying to decipher her expression. She’s disconnected from me. Trying to distance herself emotionally.

“Ana, please, what is it?” I ask. I can’t stand the distance between us. I have had a shitty evening. My past is running into my future like a train wreck and I have no way of stopping it! I move right in front of Anastasia, “What’s wrong?” I breathe.

She shakes her head sadly, swallowing hard. “I’m not good for you,” she whispers.

“What?” I breathe, completely alarmed. I can’t go through this! She can’t say that to me! Doesn’t she know how much I love her? Didn’t she know I was ready to die for her tonight?

“Why do you think that? How can you possibly think that Ana?”

“I know I can’t be everything you need,” she says.

(All I Believe In by Magic Numbers)

How would she know what’s in the depths of my heart?

“You are everything I need...everything I want.”

“Just seeing you with her tonight...” she says trailing off unable to bring the rest of her thought. Her eyes are sorrowful, face scrunched in agony.

“Why do you do this to me Ana, why?” I say in utter agony. “this whole thing isn't about you. It’s about her,” I say willing her to understand I was trying to right something, help someone who once was in my life. “At the moment she’s a very sick girl,” I try to explain her.

“But Christian, I felt it...I felt what you two had together...” she trails off mournfully, already made up her mind.

“What? No!” I try to reach out to her, close the short distance between us that’s already feeling like miles apart, but she takes a step back right away distancing herself from my reach. Oh God! No! It’d be better if she hit me. The one single step she took away from me drains all my energy out of my limbs, I automatically drop my hands to my side. Shocked, worried, sick, I blink into realization. She doesn’t want me! God! She doesn’t want me anymore! I can’t live without her! I panic like I’ve never panicked before; the pain of her leaving me so new, I feel my world crumbling around me once again.

“You’re running?” I whisper. The fear of her absence is so great, I can’t take it. I’d die! She can’t leave me! She just can’t! She’s crucifying me for helping Leila! Don’t leave me, Ana. I’m only in love with you...you alone! No one else...not a single soul in the entire universe, just you! When I saw you, though I met you, I was afraid to know you. When I met you again, I was afraid to kiss you... When I kissed you finally at Heathman elevator, I was afraid to love you, and now that I love you, I’m afraid to lose you. Don’t make me lose you! You’re the only one who can hurt me like no one can!

I was trying to fix someone who once was in my life...But you misunderstand and confuse it with something else. I only love you! I’m just fucking afraid to show you who I really am, because if I do, you not might not like it, and that’s all I got! I’m unworthy, I know that...but, is my love for you something so bad for you to be around? Don’t kill my soul here, Ana, I beg you!

(I Can’t Live Without You by Mariah Carey)

My mind is running a mile a minute, and my mouth has a lot of catching up to do... All I can utter is, “You can’t,” in a plea.

“Christian, I...” she says bewildered. “I...” she can’t even bring the rest of her thoughts. She wants nothing to do with me.

“No! No! No!” I moan in a great agony not as if someone’s leaving me, but as if someone died, and I’m irreparable. Don’t leave me! The greatest misery in the world for me is losing you, don’t you understand? Haunt me! Hurt me! Hit me! Break me! Drive me mad! Drive me insane! But don’t leave me! Be with me always! You will leave me in a perpetual hell...completely lost if I can’t find you and have you! I cannot live without my life! You are my soul, and you take that away, and I’d be worse than what you found me with! All my faculties are lost, and I’m at the brink of my destruction... Please God! Let her stay with me! Let her see how much I love her...

I look around with bewildered, half crazed eyes...begging God to see my agony! This all-consuming misery is killing me! She’s breaking my heart and shattering my soul! You love me, Ana! Don’t betray your own heart! What right do you have to leave me? God! You are inflicting this on us! Every time going gets tough, you leave me!

“You can’t go, Ana! I love you!”

“I love you too Christian. But it’s just..” she says and I cut her off.

“No! No!” I wallow in desperation putting both my hand on my head rocking back and forth. I’d rather die! I’d rather die than for you to leave me! Don’t.just.leave.me...

“Christian, ah...I...”

“No!” I breathe all power and energy left my body. Desperate, like I never felt before. My eyes wide with panic, my breathing is erratic, my heart is ready to take flight out of my chest, and suddenly I realize that I have to have her anyway I can. If she wants me her slave, I’ll be her slave. If she wants to beat the shit out of me, I’m ready to submit. If she wants to punish me for my transgressions, here I am to do as she wishes. Just, don’t, leave, me... Be with me always. Any way you can...

I drop to my knees in front of her, bowing my head, sitting on my heels, as my fingers spread on my thighs. I take a deep breath, and become the submissive slave I once was. For Anastasia. Now she can punish me for what I did wrong. She can take me, beat me, hit me, love me, use me. Do as you wish with me Anastasia! Love me, or kill me! But let it be in your hands. Because if you walk out of here, I’m already dead!

I finally check out of my body in my submissive stance, a slave ready to obey any command without any qualms or thoughts. Without any rights. My breathing eases and my consciousness checks out. Staring down, obedient. Ready for her orders. Ready for her punishments. Ready for my mistress. I’m her slave.

....