Mentors Managing Mentees’ Mentoring Misconceptions!

Mentors must take the time right at the start to clarify expectations and responsibilities with their mentees in order to maximize the mentoring relationship.

Mentees often come into the relationship with a number of different wants and needs. I’ve found that many of their expectations stem from a sincere desire to well in a job or realize a specific career aspiration. Occasionally, some individuals will come into the process with unrealistic expectations (often unstated) that can derail the mentoring relationship before it has the chance to get off the ground. Here are four common situations I’ve encountered that you might have to deal with now or in the future and steps you can take to address the issues before they lead to bigger problems.

There Are So Many Hats You Can’t Wear Them All

Mentees bring many expectations to the mentoring table which in and of itself is not necessarily a surprise. They often look to mentors as a critical resource to help them increase their knowledge in a particular area and to help them build skills that will lead to improved performance. This particular expectation is often expressed right at the beginning of the relationship. Be aware that there are other hopes that never get verbalized but are extremely important to the mentee. Kathy Kram in her 1985 book, "Mentoring at Work: Developmental Relationships in Organizational Life," indicated that mentees look to their mentors for:

• Acceptance and Confirmation
• Access to Resources, Information, and People
• Career Advocacy
• Career Motivation
• Challenging Assignments and New Work Opportunities
• Coaching
• Confidence Building
• Exposure and Opportunities to Increase Visibility
• Feedback (Performance and Developmental)
• Friendship and Social Interaction
• Idea Generation
• Issue Resolution
• Respect
• Role Modeling
• Sponsorship and Political Protection
• Understanding and Encouragement

Other expectations might include frequent accessibility to the mentor or that the mentor will drive activities during the mentoring relationship. If all or some of these expectations are not met it can lead to frustration, then you may see less and less of your mentee until they stop showing up for meetings or reaching out for advice.

It’s unlikely that a mentee will be comfortable enough at first to articulate everything they expect, so take the lead in setting expectations. It’s okay to say “here is what you can expect from me and how I will hold myself accountable for my commitments.” A mentor should never feel that they have to fulfill all a mentee’s needs. So if you aren’t comfortable or prepared to broker the mentee’s career or advocate for his/her advancement (especially when you hardly know the person) that is perfectly acceptable. Your primary role as a mentor is to offer advice that will contribute to your mentee’s long-term professional development. And remember, part of your job as a mentor is to guide and direct your mentee to other people who can provide them with helpful tools, resources, and support.

Mentoring Is Different From Executive Coaching

Sometimes an employee will request an executive coach from their manager or organization to help them work on some particular areas of development. As I discussed in my March 14 post Hey! Where Is My Executive Coach?!, executive coaching is expensive and many organizations tend to reserve it for high potential employees at certain levels. When a request for executive coaching is denied, individuals will often look to receive some form of mentoring instead. It’s important to understand that mentoring is not a cheap form of coaching.

In their Talent Magazine article, "Mentoring vs. Coaching: When to Use Each," David J. DeFilippo, chief learning officer at financial services firm Bank of New York Mellon Corp and Milana Hogan, director of legal recruiting and professional development at law firm Sullivan & Cromwell, state that

“At its core, a mentoring relationship is about the more experienced practitioner sharing his or her knowledge with the less-experienced learner. The historical underpinnings of mentoring suggest that mentors who have already walked the path of the mentee can share their experience as a guide for the mentee’s own personal or professional development. A mentoring relationship can also sometimes happen organically and informally, developing without a formal contract for service and lasting for years as a result.

Coaching engagements, meanwhile, tend to be used with employees and leaders at higher levels within an organization for a specific development- or transition-related goal. Furthermore, coaching relationships are defined for specific periods of time under an agreed-upon contract, according to a 1999 Harvard Business Review article, “Coaching: The Ten Killer Myths.” This is an important distinction when differentiating coaching from mentoring.”

It’s often the case that mentees, especially those still in school or in the early stages of their work lives, are trying to identify viable professions and career paths. Or a mentee is attempting to make a mid-career transition to a different role/job. Choices may seem limitless and every potential option is attractive. Without some degree of self-assessment and personal reflection, a mentee can appear to be as unfocused as the character, George Costanza, from the sitcom Seinfeld.

Mentees should do some initial preparation to get the most out of the finite amount of time they have with their mentors. According to Mary Ann Bopp, manager, career development at IBM and co-author of "Agile Career Development: Lessons and Approaches from IBM," you have to recognize that “Mentors are typically busy people and really like to help impart their knowledge. Therefore the mentee has to respect this constraint. Don't expect the mentor to instinctively know what you as the mentee want to get out of the relationship. Have a clear objective for what you want and need from the mentor. Avoid showing up for a meeting with the mentor with a "white piece of paper" with no objective for the discussion. Come prepared and maximize the time.”

If your mentee hasn’t gone through training about mentoring (or even if they have) or learned about steps to take prior to beginning the mentoring relationship, then provide them with the checklist below in advance of meeting them for the first time.

I look forward to meeting you on (date & time). Please review the checklist and complete each item. Come prepared to discuss when we meet.

• My five greatest strengths are: ______
• I’m most proud of the fact that I was able to: _____
• I would describe my work style as: _____
• The subjects I know the most about are: _____
• I want to learn from (mentor’s name) how to: _____
• My top three biggest areas of development include: _____
• In the future, I would like to be known for: _____
• I have the most difficulty with: _____
• I’m most passionate about: _____
• I get the most satisfaction from: _____
• I tend to react to developmental feedback by: _____
• Other people tend to seek my help with: _____
• My personal/career goals for the next 6 months, 1 year, 3 years are to: ___

Mentees are the creators and drivers of the mentoring agenda. Your time as a mentor is valuable, so ensure your mentees respect that as much as you do.

You Have To Accentuate the Positive

Mentoring discussions are meant to be safe spaces where an open and honest dialog can occur between mentees and their mentors. Mentees should be able to talk freely about what they’re experiencing in their work environment and lessons learned from acting on the advice they’ve received in previous mentoring conversations. It’s unfortunate when a mentee must deal with a difficult and/or ineffective manager or has a poor relationship with a colleague, but it’s a very real part of the world of work. Mentoring meetings should never be allowed to turn into gripe sessions.

However, workplace issues may color a mentees view of their ability to handle these difficult situations. So from time-to-time you may hear your mentee respond to your words of wisdom with certain phrases that include:

• “That won’t work …”
• “You don’t understand my situation …”
• “I can’t do that because …”
• “He, she, or they won’t let me …”
• “It’s not my fault ..."

The best thing you can do for yourself and your mentee is to respectfully listen and then make it clear that self-victimization will not be tolerated. Mentees have the ability to empower themselves like any other person. Jim Jones, vice president of education & diversity solutions at the National Association for Multi-Ethnicity in Communications (NAMIC) says that “At their best, mentoring relationships are centered on the growth and development of the mentee into a true leader. Mentees should enter a conversation having considered answers to their own questions and issues. You want to be seen by your mentor as thoughtful, creative, and most important, committed to your own success. And it’s not about showing up with the right answer—there may be no one single right answer. Again, it’s part of being perceived as a passionate self-starter.”

These difficult situations are opportunities to help mentees move outside of their comfort zones. The conversations, while uncomfortable at times, should challenge them to take appropriate risks. You help them do this by figuring out how to ask questions, give specific feedback based on observing actions and behaviors, respectfully pushing back, and expressing themselves in a way that makes it more likely they will be heard. When necessary, direct your mentee(s) to internal learning resources that will teach them how to manage difficult situations, resolve conflict, build relationships, communicate effectively, and provide feedback to others.

All Good Things …

Just when it seems that the partnership between mentee and mentor is really firing on all cylinders, it seems the mentoring relationship has moved to a new phase. Mentorship is a dynamic process that ultimately reaches a conclusion once stated goals are achieved and individual development milestones are met. This need not be awkward if mentors and mentees are clear at the onset of the partnership about the duration of your time together.

It’s important for both parties to discuss dissolution of the mentoring contract. This doesn’t have to mean avoiding communication or contact with the other person. Rather it’s the acknowledgement that roles have evolved and that the relationship has achieved its intended purpose for both mentee and mentor. Hopefully, your mentee has become independent of you and learned enough to pass the insights he or she received on to someone else. And so the cycle continues. ________________________________________________________________________

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